The United States in a surprise announcement today indicated that it was quitting climate altogether, relinquishing the current model in favor of a new environmental alliance.
“Climate! It’s one crisis after another. If it’s not floods and earthquakes, it’s wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and being lectured about greenhouse gasses, becoming carbon neutral, analyses of lost Arctic ice and pity for the polar bears, you name it,” said Harry Harbinger, lead project negotiator for the new alliance.
“Here you’ve got people thinking they have to change their ways or move from vulnerable areas or stop destroying natural habitats. I have news for you! No. You. Don’t. We’re bringing in a whole new set of circumstances that will come without the baggage that will change everything,” Harbinger indicated.
“Bottom line? You can do what you want, stay where you are, build where you want. Whatever!”
When asked for details, Harbinger was enthusiastic but vague.
“You’re going to love it and live without worry! Use all the plastic straws you want, toss garbage into the ocean, ramp up strip mining, dump poisonous pollutants into rivers and streams. Coal plants will have a resurgence. Factories can start spewing toxins into the air again, and farmers can poison crops. Cars will not have to worry about emissions because guess what, the new atmosphere will be incompatible with pollution!”
When asked how none of that could matter, Harbinger said, “Simple! We’re replacing the earth, water, air, and sky – in other words, climate — with a brand, spankin’ new atmosphere! Garbage will simply disappear. Interfering with Mother Nature and destroying animals and their habitats will be a thing of the past because guess what? There will be no animals, thus no animal habitats, and best of all, no Mother Nature! She was getting very pushy. It was time for a change.”
When asked who would take the lead on this project, Harbinger noted that negotiations were still in progress.
“No outfit has been chosen yet but the main requirement is that the new atmosphere deliver a whole new start for the United States! It will not pose any of the problems that threaten us now, problems that the current climate has created not by us humans, least of all us American humans, but by climate’s own, sheer, thoughtless, self-indulgent, self-absorbed, negligent narcissism and complete and total lack of planning.
“The current climate has no consideration for human beings, whipping up disasters willy nilly for the pure enjoyment of it, not asking permission and not caring who it hurts.
“Imagine no longer needing firefighters for every silly wildfire that pops up, or calling in emergency workers to rescue people stranded by floods on rooftops, because there will be no emergencies. None, nada, zero. Because there will be no water, there will be no floods. And because there will be no air, you don’t have to worry about fires, poisonous gasses, or pollution!”
Harbinger noted that having FEMA and the National Guard on 24-hour standby for the next crisis “is a ridiculous waste of resources” that could be used for more essential things like building skyscrapers that no longer have to adhere to building codes.
But most important, Harbinger indicated, is that climate was not what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they invented the country, thus there is nothing about the climate in the Constitution.
“We’re not stuck with it because it was never mentioned,” he noted. “Plus, we have it on background that it was a socialist plot. So un-American.”
How will the new system work?
“It will be crisis-free as far as the environment goes. We will however retain the right to continue perpetuating the more essential current crises such as racial, sexual, gender, and economic violence and inhumanity which have become features of our marvelous “I Have a Dream” country.
“The current climate was distracting us from our mission of dismantling democracy and destabilizing the country. We need an environment we can control that doesn’t get out of hand like this persnickety one.”
Harbinger indicated that current bidders for the new atmosphere have promised that it will not give the country problems like it has now.
“They have guaranteed no disasters or acts of God, so God will no longer have a role.”
But what about the joy people get, not to mention the lifegiving health benefits from Mother Nature, the animals, insects, plant life, the earth, sky, air, and water?
“Well, it was a tough call but budget constraints being what they are, unfortunately they lost out. There’s just no room.
“We’ve been promised Mother Nature, et al. will be well taken care of.”
How would this new atmosphere affect other countries given that we are all on earth together?
“Here’s what’s so great! The new alliance is only going to benefit the U.S! No one else in the world gets this fabulous new technology! We got it first because we are the greatest.”
But how to stop other countries from taking advantage?
“Easy! The new alliance will also serve to prevent immigration. People coming from places that have earth, sky, air, and water plus animals and plant life? They won’t want to come here because it will be incompatible with life.
“But just in case, our security forces will be stationed on the ground at the north and south borders along with forces in the sky to stop intruders.”
And in an afterthought, he added, “And if it gets really dicey, we’ll place forces around the globe. Other countries will get the message.”
The new atmosphere is expected to cost in the multiple trillions of dollars and paid for mainly by lowering taxes on the wealthy to zero and raising them 100% on the lower and middle classes which he said have had it good for too long.
“The other source of money is what we’re saving on firefighters and other emergency workers. And since we will no longer need FEMA, we’ve reallocated its entire budget and shut down the agency along with some other agencies whose purpose we still haven’t figured out. We are working on eliminating the government altogether. Such a waste. Big Ag, Big Sugar, and Big Pharma, all the Bigs, will finally assume their rightful place at the helm of this ship.
“It will be painful at first but the advantages will outweigh the costs over a few decades. You won’t even notice. Besides, we’re in an arrangement with Big Pharma to dispense pills that people will be required to take to keep everyone in a state of benign friendliness and that has the added benefit of shortening the human lifespan to make room for entities more compatible with the new arrangement.
“The goal is to create a life of ultimate simplicity. Since the new atmosphere will lack Mother Nature, the only choice you’ll need to make is which room in your house to spend time in, albeit with your devices.”
“The great thing is, the pandemic has prepared us for this so the next step is, power up, people! If you think you were isolated before, just wait! Get ready for the ride of your life!”