Highly-Strung Cokehead Who Says “F**K Business!” Worried Nobody Wants to Invest in His Country!


Hysterical overfed chufterstain and perpetually confused London superluvvie Boris Hugh Coogan Lily Lineker De Pfeffel Johnson has recently lamented the lack of business investment that is seriously hindering his coke-ridden Brexit Boom he promised and/or threatened us with a few days ago.

Now then chaps, if I haven’t got the slightest bally clue what’s going on!

A few well-heeled Chinamen (I would have called them Wealthy Oriental Gentlemen, but Heaven knows what we can and can’t say nowadays) wanted to invest in solar power, and I said ‘Fuck Solar Power! I’m bored and tired, I don’t want to think outside of the box right now.’ Then we had a few Froggies or Krauts or, y’know, some kind of European extraction or or other, and I said ‘Fuck the Book Industry! You can buy it all online anyway, oh and by the way, Twitter is going really well right now, toodleoo for the nonce!’

And then there, I mean, y’know, what’s that country called again… Africa, or Southern Africa, or something of that ilk, yes you know the chaps I mean! And they wanted to sell us their pineapples and papayas, and er, the prawn cocktail crisps or whatever, and I said, ‘Ah yes well, that sounds all well and good in principle, but how do we know the African Union and the Francophonics aren’t going to, y’know, get all high and might of a sudden, and start taking our bent pineapples away! What’re you going to do then, eh?’

They then came up with some pitiful, pedantic excuse that it is physically impossible to bend a pineapple in half.

Well that’s convenient, isn’t it?

They offered me one to try it out, but then all of a sudden my attention shifted, it has a habit of doing so, oh and by the way, I just noticed there was a really good Churchill biopic on Netflix, I think if Churchill were here today, the very first thing he would do is to scrub up on the greats!

Out-to-pasture pro student activist and widely renowned and voted-for Trotskyist intellectual Jeremy ‘Jolly Jez’ Corbyn remarks:

These remarks from Johnson are predictably disappointing. Or rather, unpredictably. I mean, if I’d know he was going to drive away 100% of our foreign direct investment, I wouldn’t even have bothered running against him in the first place! He’s a far better Communist than I am!

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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