Tag Archive | "parody"

Saruman Channels Trump: ‘The Elves and Sauron are Just as Bad as Each Other’

Pale male master wizard and leader of the Free World Saruman the White has recently come out swinging about the shameless partisanship of the recent Minas Tirith massacre.

Look, everybody…

He says in his sardonic Somerset drawl:

There’s a lot of hate in this country.

It didn’t start with Lord Sauron, and it didn’t start with the elves.

A lot of hate.

Didn’t start with the treason of Numenor, or the expulsion of Lord Sauron, or with the cutting down of the Two Trees, or the mutilation of Morgoth.


People have been hating in Middle Earth for so long.

But when you truly love the Valar and Emperor Morgoth alike, there is no more room in your heart for hate.

The Elves and the Orcs ought to stop fighting and settle their differences like good citizens of Middle Earth, in the spirit of noble wizard’s charity.

People fighting each other, hating each other…

No respect! Sad!

You see, when you really open your heart to the power of my wizardry, there is no more room for hate.

And love.

And any other unnecessary and superfluous emotions and thoughts.

This is the root of the Middle-Earth Carnage, and it has to stop.

Oh by the way:

You know, the Elves, they are flooding across the border to Mordor, and they aren’t giving their best.

Nonetheless, some of them (we have grounds to suppose) are good people.

But first, they have to be brought to heel!

Hee hee hee HEEEEEEEEEE!

Neither the elves nor the orcs have received this speech particularly kindly.

Still, rumor has it Saruman intends to become ‘Saruman the Orange,’ in order to pander to at least one of his core demographics.


Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (0)

Northern Bible I: The Disciples Mansplain the Resurrection

Mary Magdalene:

He is risen! Come and see the empty tomb!


Calm down, love. You’re obviously getting a bit emotional. Shouldn’t you be sweeping the ‘ouse now, anyroad?

Mary Magdalene:

No, we have seen it!


I doubt that very much. You know what women are like, when they get an idea in their ‘eads. Gnac, gnac, gnac, all day long!

Mary Magdalene: Come on, James the Just! At least you must believe me, right?

James: Oh for the love o’…. What the ‘ell is it with all these ‘ere strident ‘arpies banging on ‘n’ on about us stupid dreams? You on the flamin’ lash again, lass? Eh? Ohhh, flamin’ Nora wi’ chuffin’ benefits, girl!

Andrew: Ach, wid ye just calm yer pretty wee head down, lassie! Don’t ye know the big lads are talkin’?!

John: That’s the problem. I always told Jesus women meant nothing but trouble. They should be at home, making the dinner. It’s all fine givin’ ’em the same responsibilities as the rest of us, till it all goes tits-up!

Peter: Aye, and they’re all so flaming emotional. Would you let a woman be a judge or a monarch? Nah! So why should they be allowed to act like interlopers, and steal our thunder, Jim lad?!

James: Seriously, man! See our Jesus… All that divine inspiration and outright omniscient infallibility, but no common sense. ‘E were proper soft, that lad! Give these flamin’ woman-folk and inch, and they’ll tek…

Mary Magdalene: You lads are pathetic! Come here and see the…

Peter: Blimey, well is it that time of the month again, or what? Ohhh, would yer just give over, lass!


Peter: Oo! D’yer know what, ‘appen the lasses were right after all! Ee flamin’ did rise ‘imself up an’ all!

Mary Magdalene: So now do you believe me? Aye?


James: …


I suppose a stopped clock is right twice a day, eh?



Mary Magdalene:

One day, you lads will see. Our granddaughters will be dunking your sons in the fonts, so you’d better play nice, aright? We wouldn’t want any nasty accidents to ‘appen now, would we?!



This is the very first instalment of the Northern Bible.

What other chapters would you like to see?



Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial