Listen to these smooth, dulcet tones and before you know it you’ll be thinner, cuter, and more attractive, even if just to yourself… yeah, it’s mostly yourself. That’s okay too.
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Watch the video here:
Warning. This should not be watched or listened to while operating heavy machinery, motorized vehicles, or your mom. You’re resting. You’re relaxing. Your left eye is closed and you’re feeling relaxed. Think of a quiet beach. No one is there but you and you know this because that one other eye is still open, but even that is getting heavy. It’s near sunset and you’re so relaxed. Even your bowels are feeling loose.
All you can hear is the sound of my voice and the waves washing up on the mix of sand and second hand syringes on the beach. You’re getting sleepy, ten, and it’s because you’re so exhausted from lugging around your fat body all day. You only hear the sound of my voice, nine, and all the other stuff we just talked about which is all in still inside you but you’re letting it go.
You’re ready to lose weight, eight… but not like as in you ate something, but as in I’m counting down to one… And you’re asleep. You will not wake up until you hear me say the phrase “Fromunda Cheese”.
But your butt is so relaxed and you’re breathing, you’re breathing, you’re breathing through your big fat butt. Breath in … breath out …
You’re ready for a change, and not just your pants, but you should do that too.
You’re ready to lose weight. You know you want to, you know it’s time. Think thin and tomorrow you’ll shed those pounds.
Breathing in, breathing out.
Air goes into your mouth, but that food you put in your face hole is made out of the fat of other people, people fatter than you.
Oh it’s so disgusting.
You’re breathing, oh god we’re breathing out.
Deep in your artery-hardened heart you know that mayonnaise is actually made from thicky thighs of people fatter than you. Many died of natural causes, and that’s okay.
Tomorrow is a thin day, and a thin you, breathing in, breathing out.
Chickens are thin. Chickens cluck when they see a police officer. When next you see a police offer you will also cluck like a chicken. You will feel a desire to resist this urge, but you will not give into it. No you will cluck at that cop. You will cluck at him like he knows who and what you are.
Breathing in, breathing out. You only hear the sound of my voice and an internal monologue that says you’ve already thin and are so amazing, but that voice in your head still has an English accent, which you somehow accept as totally normal, which it is. Breathing in and out.
Feel your body on the sand. The waves lapping against you. There’s no judgment from the ocean even if the sand is a bit annoyed by your significant girth.
Would you like seven more sandwiches? Of course you would, but when you aren’t so enormous, people will actually talk to you without wondering what it’s like to slap you and watch your jelly jiggle in perpetuity.
Your jelly does jiggle and it’s a source of comedic enjoyment for many. Don’t give them that joy, give them a different joy. Give them the joy in the thought of what you look like naked. Or what you COULD look like naked, you huge, pucker-skinned land whale.
In a moment you’ll wake 10. In a moment you’ll forget this and how terrible the production values were 9.
We’re counting down but you’ll feel better about yourself 8, because what you ate was the reality that you can be thinner, even if you’re going on to gain another 5 or 10 pounds in the next month 7.
You’re body is getting lighter as you come back to yourself and so gently smash that subscribe button 6.
You’re feeling lighter and healthier than before, even though statistically you’re not 5. I don’t mean you’re not 5 years old, but you’re not that either 4.
And for what? For a healthier you, and a healthier tomorrow. One where you can’t be assed to eat meat or take a third helping of lasagna… three!
Your body is getting lighter and you feel lighter, even though you weigh exactly what you did a few minutes ago sparing some expulsion of gasses, that’s alright. That was a long time ago when this started. Two. Two is the number of helpings you should always avoid because you are number… one.
You are now fully awake, fully amazing and fully beautiful.
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