Tag Archive | "North Korea"

Kim Jong-un Places 2nd in North Korean Barbecue Competition

It was merely a common single rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-un’s 2nd place finish this weekend at the First Annual North Korean BBQ Blowout in Pyongyang. State media praised the supreme leader of North Korea for his grilling expertise, noting that he nabbed the number two spot without threatening to publicly execute anyone.

In fact, the judges’ taste buds reportedly “went into meltdown” for Kim Jong-un’s incendiary entries in an event that drew participants from across the nation of more than 24 million, and competition was red-hot.

Few of those loyal to the world’s youngest head of state doubted that he would do well despite it being his first venture into the world of competitive North Korean barbecue. Indeed, judges noted his “novel use of nuclear radiation” to grill the meat, rather than more traditional charcoal, imbued the cuts with “subtle acrid overtones that stand in sharp contrast to the usual smoky flavors.”

The divine leader also garnered compliments for his fiery Mushroom Cloud Dipping Sauce, but won even higher praise for his fusion of marinades. The nuclear fermentation techniques used to craft those award-winning marinades and his methods for producing hickory-smoke-enriched uranium are among the most heavily guarded secrets in the world.

On the other hand, the head of state’s Nuclear Beef Short Ribs were “a fallout.” Judges said, “Despite the fact that they appeared perfectly cooked, the short ribs were still sizzling and popping furiously, and we noticed later that they glow in the dark.” Judges said that the dish had their Geiger counters “clicking like a dot matrix printer at a state-run government agency,” ultimately costing him the big win.

Nevertheless, he was awarded 500 North Korean won for his efforts, or a little less than four U.S. dollars.

Kim Jong-un said he intends to introduce his award-winning barbecue to the rest of the world, but he faces challenges. While his marketing skills are at least as good as his deceased father’s, it remains to be seen whether he can successfully deliver his radioactive recipes to places as far away as the United States.

The supreme leader of North Korea celebrated his 2nd place finish by blowing a huge cloud of cigarette smoke in the face of Choegoui Babekyu Yoli, the 1st place champion.


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North Korea Develops Slingshot Capable of Reaching North Korea

SEOUL – North Korea’s official news agency today announced the development of a highly advanced slingshot capable of hitting its own territory or fifty feet, whichever comes first.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un spent time touring the new facility which is said to contain a five-foot-long rubber band that can shoot two large and dangerously pointy rocks with an accuracy of one thousand meters. Read the full story


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Things Kim Jong-Un Said on His Wedding Night

Kim Jong-Un was recently retro-actively married, and to a fine philly of a lady at that, assuming she’s not blood-related to him, which is a fairly big assumption indeed. The head of one of the most secretive states in the world, no less, was recently wed, and his wedding night surely was one for the ages. Read the full story


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Nuclear Armed N. Korea ‘Posing Grave Threat to U.S. Hopes of Justifying War with Iran’

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As President Obama carried out a diplomatic mission to South Korea Saturday, members of congress issued an ultimatum to North Korea over its prospective weapons program, and warned the international community that a nuclear armed North Korea could pose a grave threat to America’s longstanding hopes of justifying a war with Iran. Read the full story


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List of Reforms North Korea is Bringing to Bear

Since the death of Kim Jong-Il, North Korea has seen a litany of changes. The most visible of which is the introduction of chubby funster Kim Jong-Un as his successor, with a close second being the ouster of a top general. But there are many other changes coming to North Korea that may be less visible. Read the full story


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Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race

North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media.

“His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel Cementman. “We just haven’t found the proper metric to measure his perfectly diminutive arms.” Read the full story


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Kim Jong Il Crush on Bill Richardson Intensifies after Latest Visit

Kim Jong Il is said to still be talking about the wonderful visit he had with his “American GI buddy” earlier this month.

Those who know Kim Jong Il intimately claim that it was no coincidence that Richardson was chosen to travel to North Korea to discuss various issues concerning nuclear power and tension with South Korea. They say Kim has a huge “man crush” on New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson. Read the full story


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Kim Jong Il Earns Enhance Nickname ‘Lil Dick’

North Korea’s bombing of a residential district on a South Korean island this past week has the entire world on edge to see what lies ahead. The United States is already responding to the threat while holding talks with China to ask for their assistance in dealing with the loose cannon that is North Korea’s leadership.

In particular, all fingers are pointing at the pint-sized leader of N. Korea, Kim Jong Il as masterminding the attack. Read the full story


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Snubbed the Cast of “Jersey Shore,” Kim Jong Il Attacks S. Korea

SEOUL, South Korea — Fourteen South Korean Marines and two South Korean civilians were injured after North Korea fired dozens of shells at a South Korean border island on Monday. The attack comes only days after it was discovered that North Korea was pressing ahead with its illegal nuclear program.

South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak scrambled jet fighters, moved civilians into shelters and called an emergency security meeting with his advisors, a presidential spokesman told reporters. In light of North Korea’s admission of having built a new uranium enrichment facility, which violates its international obligations, tensions have escalated across the globe. Read the full story


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Four North Korean Soccer Players Missing, More to Follow

DURBAN, South Africa (GlossyNews) — Four players on the North Korean Soccer Team have gone missing. They were unaccounted for on Friday when they failed to show up for practice.

Rumors are swirling that the missing team members have defected and are seeking political asylum in the host country of South Africa. While they probably would have been happier had the World Cup been played in a country that had a larger Korean population such as America or the United Kingdom, Read the full story


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Kim Jong Il Punishes North Koreans with Live Broadcast of World Cup Match with Portugal

Pyongyang, North Korea (GlossyNews) -– The North Korean government struck an agreement with the Asia-Pacific Broadcasting Union to beam a live broadcast of the soccer game on Monday of the match between North Korea and Portugal. But instead of this being a time to rejoice that North Korea’s ruler, Kim Jong Il is finally doing something to counteract the many human rights he has leveled against his people, the North Koreans believe he just did it to make their lives more miserable. Read the full story


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U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy

PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder. Read the full story


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Guinness Record for Nor-Kor Lady Driver

A North Korean woman is celebrating after passing her written theory and vehicle maintenance exam for a driving licence – on her 950th attempt – and too received a telegram from the Guinness World Records Book congratulating her.

After sixty years of trying, the 97-year-old Cha Cha Choo finally managed to secure the 60 out of 100 points needed to scrape through the test. Read the full story


Posted in Strange PeopleComments (1)

Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking

Phuket, Thailand – Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced “fuh-ket” or alternatively “Phuket”), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. Read the full story


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Mansour Biden Unleashed

Washington – At a hastily called press briefing yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden blasted the New York Times for asserting in an editorial that a highly classified document on American missile defense was made public accidentally. Read the full story


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N. Korea on Bush: “Only After Our Coal”

PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – In a statement released Friday, North Korea’s President Kim Jong II denounced President Bush’s diplomatic pressure on his nation and accused America of targeting North Korea because of the country’s coal, iron, magnesite, graphite, copper, zinc, and lead mining prospects. The U.S. claims its diplomatic efforts have come as a response to Kim’s refusal to acknowledge the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty in December, but North Korea fears the U.S. is after much more. Read the full story


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