Tag Archive | "movies"

“The Night They Raided Minskys” Reviewed by a Guy Who Even Saw the Flick


Released in 1968 this flick could have been made today as a relevant retrospective to burlesque.
The naughty nature of burlesque versus the rude routines that pass as suggestive stage entertainment today are in stark contrast when you compare today’s crude crotch crunking with the clumsy bumps and grinds of yesteryear.

Produced by Norman Lear and directed by William Friedkin, it is based on a book by Rowland Barber which paints a fictional account of the invention of the striptease. Read the full story

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Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored


LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, TelevisionComments (1)

Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral


BISMARCK, N.D. — In character as the “Anchorman” franchise’s Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell made an objectively hilarious promotional appearance at a local Bismarck man’s funeral yesterday afternoon, the bereaved report.

The funeral, which was originally intended to honor the memory of Henry Scotmeyer, 84, became an instant hit with attendees while also helping to promote the new “Anchorman 2″ film which premiered in theaters this past Wednesday.

According to the eyewitness account of Clay Scotmeyer, longtime Ferrell fan and nephew of the deceased, “Uncle Henry was always kind of a ‘stick in the mud,’ and this whole ‘being dead’ thing was just the latest in a long line of buzzkill moments that he’s dumped on us over the years. Thank God Viacom was generous enough to send Burgundy to make it fun.” Read the full story

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Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line


FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy of repeating.

Seizing the moment, Burkley uttered the now famous words, “We’re gonna need more chairs.”

RIGHT: Image by amyfry2000 via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

At the time of this writing, the context of the line remains unclear. Read the full story

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God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies


HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month.”

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman. Read the full story

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Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section


BOISE, ID—While browsing the Internet Movie Database on his Kindle Saturday evening, transit vehicle inspector Ted Coakley reportedly set out to remove a hair from the screen of the device by flicking it, causing him to plummet well into the spoilers section of trivia he was in the middle of reading.

“I just froze,” said Coakley. Read the full story

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Coworker Enraged Man Hasn’t Seen City Slickers 2


CHARLOTTE, NC—While at work Wednesday morning, area insurance agent Anthony Deakins was taken aback by the inexplicably aggressive and passionate reaction of his coworker after Deakins told him he had not seen the film City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.

“It really caught me off guard,” said Deakins of his coworker’s ardent defense of the 1994 adventure/comedy/western motion picture. Read the full story

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‘Book Better Than Film’ Says Guy Who Wants You to Know He Reads Books


MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based.

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film’s take on the story “lacked the emotional depth” of the original novel, which, in case you didn’t hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky PicturesComments (2)

Token Black Guy Resigns from Film Production


Citing disagreements with producers over his designated point of death in the runtime, a token black guy has left his latest film production.

Reports suggest Marlon Tyrone broke with the production crew of “Attack of the Libertarian Zombies” after getting word that his death would occur 59 minutes into the movie, a far cry from his contract’s specified 61 minute minimum. Read the full story

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Local Man Pretty Sure He Has Seen Character Actor in Other Things


INDIANAPOLIS – Sitting down to watch the 2009 film The Young Victoria with his wife Angela, local man Andrew Collins insisted that he definitely recognizes that one character actor from somewhere, but where?

Not quite able to place where in fact the seemingly experienced British actor has cropped up before, Collins proceeded to rattle off other films that he and his wife have seen in the past three months. Read the full story

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Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)


After years and years of poor Hollywood remakes the film capital of the world has decided that Hollywood, itself, needs a remake.

Set for release in November 2015 the Hollywood remake will see star-studded town set in downtown Detroit, with the Hollywood sign made out of scrap metal.

Liz Silverman, head of the Committee Remake Association Partnership (CRAP), told Glossy News that she felt it was the right step for Hollywood: Read the full story

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Hard-Up Filmmaker Frantically Writing Raunchy Muhammed Screenplay


YORKTOWN – Struggling to break into the film industry with a series of underfunded independent projects, local filmmaker Alan Friedrich was frantically writing a controversial screenplay Friday, depicting the Muslim prophet Muhammed as an alcoholic, homosexual gambler.

Set to the working title of Muhammed Does Vegas, the screenplay was first devised as a conceptual piece about life in rural Indiana. Read the full story

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Pre-Movie Announcement Advises Moviegoers to Put Kids on Silent


CASTLETON – Prior to its 5:35 screening of Alvin and the Chipmunks, a cinema today advised patrons to make sure all babies were switched off and that any children between the ages of 4 and 11 remain on silent throughout the film.

Responding to recent complaints, the AMC Castleton cinema aired a 30-second public service announcement encouraging movie goers to “turn off your kids”. Read the full story

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Major Continuity Error in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Sees Batman Unveil Really High Pitched Voice


HOLLYWOOD, CA – Having lined up for four hours to watch the latest installment of the Batman saga Thursday, fans of the series were left stunned as a major continuity flaw saw Christian Bale introduce a significantly higher register to the Caped Crusader’s voice. Read the full story

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Jackie Chan’s Rush Hour 4 Stalled?


While promoting their newest film Rush Hour 4 in New York City yesterday, Jackie Chan apparently became enraged at Chris Tucker’s self-promotion as the “star” of the franchise and strangled him to death in front of hundreds of shocked on-lookers. Read the full story

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Mubarak ‘Mummy Movie’ Planned for 2013


Famed Egyptian director, Khairy Beshara, has announced his plan to film a number of features about an undead Hosni Mubarak who wreaks havoc on his countrymen.  The first in the horror series will be Curse of Mubarak The Mummy: A New Arab Awakening.

“I got the idea while I was staring into Mubarak’s cage: What will happen if he dies during his trial? There will be no justice,” says Beshara, who promises justice will be served in full force in the movies. Read the full story

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