Film Critic Fired at London Cinema

Edinburgh based film critic Mary Watkins has been arrested for shooting dead sixty four cinema goers at an Ealing cinema.

One witness commented:

It all started with her open disapproval of the opening credit names in the introduction to the movie.

She yelled out, ‘Where the hell are the iconic Hollywood names in this movie!’ I think she anticipated a star-studded cast:

HILDA SPLAT

SID PIPES

TED SPLODGE

CHARLIE SMAT.

The audience started giggling and this further incensed her.

She yelled, ‘Shut the hell up you puerile bunch, where are the stars in this movie!’

FANNY STUMP

GERTRUDE PUFF

OLIVE CRUMPLE

DR. BILL SLOP.

The chuckles gained momentum with each silly name credited.

She screamed, ‘What the hell is so funny? keep it down!’

HERBERT PAP

LORD SPONGE

MOLLY FLAP

MO CHIPS.

The audience roared in hysterics.

The critic screamed,

‘Where is… Nicholson?, Streep?, Cruise?, De Niro? …

ALFIE SNACK

BOB FLANGE

TREVOR SMESH

STAN BUFF-BAG.

The entire cinema audience guffawed to the point of passing out, making wild animal noises as they coughed their snacks out into the air:

CYRIL CHURMS

CEDRIC BUNCE

GEOFF SQUIRMES

MAGGIE PINGO-BINGO.

The audience screamed with joy. Tears ran down their faces as they rolled down the isle. Then without warning the critic stood up and shot the audience.

In the subsequent police interview Mrs Watkins was asked by the interviewing officer why she had committed such an appalling atrocity.

She replied,

Well, they were making so much noise, they would have ruined the silent film!

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