Mystery Man Wanted for Questioning in Slaying of Model
MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin. The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police…
Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board
Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit…
GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign
KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He…
Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (4 of 4)
(Book Excerpt) Chicken Butt thought he was smart, intelligent, insightful, and many other positive adjectives, but – as we all know – he was a contemptible chicken of a man. C. B.’s ego was always thinking up new ways to reinforce Chicken Butt’s bloated perception of himself. Actually, C. B.’s ego was really quite brilliant at it – as we have already seen.
Lindsay Sues Lohan for Suing E-Trade Over Commercial
LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Troubled 23-year-old celebrity Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-Trade for allegedly using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing baby with a substance abuse problem. The substance in question being milk.
Dr Amy Bishop Sets New Standards Of Academic Freedom
Birmingham, AL Ivory tower intellectualists everywhere have taken note of the new level of entitlement achieved by Professor Amy Bishop of the University of Alabama. Used to having great perks attached to their jobs, Ms. Bishop has definitely raised the…
Runaway Prius Almost Escapes on I-8
Los Angeles, CA (GlossyNews) — I–8 CAR LOCKUP: A Toyota Prius has admitted it made a rarely attempted get-away from its driver. The car claimed its owner was misusing the cupholders, watching TV and texting on his cellphone while driving…
Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”
AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated…
U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the…
Scientists Determine Noah Killed Dinosaurs
THE WOODLANDS, TX (GlossyNews) — With the demise of the dinosaurs millions of years ago remaining a hotbed of debate and disagreement, scientists from around the globe gathered together for a conference to determine the conclusive cause of their eradication.