Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit and urine at DC’s famed “Make It Look Like a Business Expense” bistro.
Pelosi, brimming with confidence, said she’s no longer pandering for the recalcitrant pro-life Dem vote; she now has the pro-unlife vote securely in her corner.
Appearing together with Pelosi, Barnabas Collins, the infamously camera-shy president of the Vampires Association, said, “We at the VA have too long seen our issues in a small picture frame. I’ve been guilty of this myself, focusing on the difficulty of getting the cable guy to show up after dark. But we’re all Americans here, right?”
Speaker Pelosi then took the podium in what all agreed was a rare press conference, being held in a cemetery after dark. Stylish as always in a leather Versace jacket with complementary garlic clove necklace, Ms. Pelosi said, “This health care bill is going to happen. We can do this without pro-life zombies now that the unlife community has stepped forward boldly.”
VA President Barnabas Collins echoed Pelosi’s sentiments, saying, “We endorse any government program where all the living get health insurance. How could we vampires oppose it in good conscience? It will, of course, lead to blood typing for all. Take type AB blood, for example. It just tastes nasty. So vampires are throwing in their lot with Speaker Pelosi here.”
Mr. Collins went on to castigate CNN’s Candy Crowley for the headline “Vampires Take a Stake in Healthcare.” He also took to task Glossy News reporters similarly for “Vampires On Board.”
Said Barnabas Collins, “I know exactly where your mommas live; I’m just saying. Vampires don’t enjoy hearing about wood products, likes stakes and boards. You might want to mind your words in the future.”
He added, “For the record, your momma sleeps with the window open; bet you didn’t know that. And when she snores, it sounds faintly like David Cassidy humming ‘I Think I Love You.'”
Speaker Pelosi again took the podium, assuring reporters that pro-life Dems in Congress were no longer important now that the pro-unlife vote was a lock.
Mr. Collins then excused himself, claiming pressing engagements elsewhere. As he left, he observed that FOX News’ Megyn Kelly had the prettiest neck he’d seen in 150 years.
Reached for comment today, a glassy eyed Ms. Kelly said, “I burned all my turtleneck sweaters yesterday. He told me to in a dream. I want Barnabas to drink my blood. But Obamacare is still stupid.”
The cast of Twilight could not be reached for comment.