WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has embarked on an innovative overseas real estate auction. “It’s true,” said embattled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “We’re selling individual states to foreign debtors.”
The first territory sold was New Jersey. The Chinese government wasted no time procuring the land and immediately dispatched troops to take over municipalities and factories. Within hours, they had sealed the borders. State legislators who protested the acquisition were imprisoned as dissidents. Chinese secret police visited Bruce Springsteen and beat him severely, citing newly imposed restrictions on unfiltered speech. Donald Trump was arrested and forced to act as a liaison between the “running dog” American capitalists and the “new order” Chinese entrepreneurs.
Australia demanded sea front property, but complained when Alabama was the only state offered within the country’s price range. Despite the set back, engineers quickly put up surfing shops, replaced motels with backpacking hostels and started throwing wild parties on the beach. As expected, a certain amount of initial animosity between the new leaders and the native population arose. However, Australians and Alabama citizens soon reconciled by finding common ground in their pasts. As it turns out, both groups began as penal colonies, have an unnatural lust for car racing and enjoy meat fried in lard.
Liechtenstein, one of Europe’s smallest countries, got Nebraska. The purchase increased its size 50 times and made it a nuclear power.
Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed California for Austria, setting off riots in the Senate. Tensions escalated when 90 percent of Austria moved to California, taking over beaches and promptly kicking out all the “Auslanders” except Tila Tequila. “She’s hot,” Schwarzenegger was overhead telling his secretary.
Not surprisingly, Mexico seized Texas, which set off a revolt that resulted in a second storming of the Alamo, which local politicians called “sour grapes.” The historic structure was razed to the ground. Additionally, a wall was built around the state to prevent illegal Americans from entering. Among the newly displaced were George W. Bush and Karl Rove. Both individuals are said to be seeking asylum in other states still open to immigration.
Russia reclaimed Alaska, causing gas prices to jump to $20 a gallon.
Sweden took over administration of Pennsylvania and immediately freed inmates of all state prisons, made all beaches nude, and mandated unisex clothing and restrooms. Infuriated Amish farmers packed up and moved to Canada.
The most dramatic changes occurred with the Saudi acquisition of Oregon. Religious police attempted to forbid social contact between unmarried men and women, but this became unmanageable because of the overwhelming numbers of gay couples holding hands in all public common areas. Passions also flared when college football games were canceled because of mass stonings being held at the stadiums. Interestingly, the requirement that women wear burkas met with widespread approval when Oregonians mistook the religious garments for highly effective rain slickers.
After the auction, only a few properties remained unsold, including Arkansas, Wisconsin and Utah. With few options left, governors of all three states made a pact to unite as an unincorporated territory called “Floyd.” Leaders of the recently formed confederation have approached Canadian officials for consideration as a new province. Their bid is likely to be rejected, sources say.