This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.
Standing up to Intelligence
Chicken Butt thought he was smart, intelligent, insightful, and many other positive adjectives, but – as we all know – he was a contemptible chicken of a man. C. B.’s ego was always thinking up new ways to reinforce Chicken Butt’s bloated perception of himself. Actually, C. B.’s ego was really quite brilliant at it – as we have already seen. Anyways, C. B.’s ego, which for the purposes of this story we will refer to as The Great One from here on out, was lounging around dreaming up new ways to trick a loathsome chicken into believing that he was made for and of greatness.
The Great One knew that all C. B. needed was to see some form of calculation that he was of average or greater intelligence; if The Great One could achieve this, Chicken Butt would be done for. There was always the scholastic aptitude test, but the likelihood of C. B. doing even decently well was out of the question. There was also the intelligence quotient test, but again, the chances of C. B. scoring high on the test were very unlikely. The Great One decided to leave this agenda on the back burner for the time being. The Great One knew from experience that these things had a way of working themselves out, and, The Great One, being The Great One, was – in the end – right.
Chicken Butt clucked along his days as usual, somehow getting by and somehow having things work out for him. Remember, he was a chicken; how he passed a single class is beyond me. But do not be fooled, Chicken Butt is not to be admired for this and not for anything. Many have postulated how it was that he passed his classes and got around like a human would. Generally speaking, C. B. wasn’t very lucky, so it wasn’t due to any rabbit’s feet. I think The Great One stepped up in certain instances and did the work for Chicken Butt. The Great One was at least intelligent enough to get through grade school. Maybe Chicken Butt was better off with The Great One.
C. B. was surfing online one lonely afternoon hopelessly bored; he was craving human interaction. In social circles, C. B. was too odd to have any close friends. He was forced to spend most of his time holding the friends he did have in choke-hold type relationships, clinging on for dear life. When his friends finally broke out of the snake grip, C. B. would retreat to the social world of the internet. He would play online games, join chat rooms, stream videos and follow blogs. He began to play chess online and thought that he was pretty decent; he didn’t know he was playing against a six year old.
He began to use the internet solely to challenge his intellectual capabilities. And one magical day, it happened; oh, it happened alright; the happenings were in full happenstance. Chicken Butt stumbled upon an online IQ test. Now, to most of us, stumbling upon an online IQ test is fun; we take it for amusement purposes and move on with our day. But when a chicken stumbles upon an IQ test, in the chicken’s mind, he has found the garden of chickens – which, you should know, is a ten by ten plot of land filled with an assortment of seeds – generally, chickens don’t have very high standards.
But remember, this is C. B. we are talking about, and when he stumbled upon the online IQ test, he saw potential. He saw a chance to prove to his European parents that he truly was a man and not a chicken. The Great One perked up when he saw the online IQ test as well – he had found his chance; all The Great One had to do now was help C. B. score above one hundred, and he would control him from there on out.
Now, I won’t leave you in suspense; The Great One won, but it wasn’t as easy as he had originally thought. First, Chicken Butt scored forty four on the test, which technically proved to C. B. that he was a legitimate retard. Chicken Butt sat staring blankly at the two digit number, waiting, hoping they would change. They didn’t. The Great One seized the moment: “Oh Chicken Butt…Chicken Butt…” he said in a sing song manner. C. B. looked around. The Great One continued: “It’s your conscience speaking.” He wasn’t sure where to look. “Listen C. B., take the test again and learn from your mistakes. We both know that you test badly, take it again. Take it again.” And C. B. took it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until he finally got
his desired IQ: one hundred and one – above average. C. B. was ecstatic. He had never proven that he was smarter than the Average Joe, and now he had. He was more intelligent than three and a half billion people. Man, that’s a scary thought.
Glossy News has been granted permission to publish a total of four excerpts each Saturday for a month. Check N. A. Kay’s archive page to see everything published so far.