New York, NY- On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.” Continue Reading

LONDON – The anti-secrecy organization WikiLeaks  today issued a public apology for what it termed a “programming error” that resulted in the accidental release of all deleted messages of the world’s e-mail users.

“We sincerely regret this error,” WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said in the statement, “and we apologize to all those who may be affected by this unfortunate release of their previously private electronic communications.” Continue Reading

The current contenders for the 2012 U.S. presidential election have already stated their positions on a range of key issues such as the economy, taxes, education, immigration, social policy, and national security.

But one obvious question still remains. What are they like in bed?

GlossyNews recently lay down with each of the candidates for some unbridled, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse. Here’s what they had to say. Continue Reading

As Hurricane Irene barrels up the eastern seaboard toward New York, many wonder how New Yorkers will fare once hit by a category 1 hurricane, the likes of which they’ve not seen in years.

Hurricane Irene is giving us an up-close-and-personal view of just what New Yorkers fear most if the storm does, indeed, hit them full on. Are they worried about losing electricity? Not having enough water or food? Losing their living space? Continue Reading

AMES, IA —GlossyNews At $30 each, 16,892 Iowans were trucked to Ames for a day of politickin’ (locally it’s called ‘pot lickin’) and BBQ. A grand $506,760 was the total straw vote cash take for the GOPTea in Ames, Iowa on Saturday with their straw poll. The candidates also ponied up $15K each to pitch a tent on the grounds of the poll, pumping another $120K into the coffers. This was confirmed by Matt Strawn, chairman of the Iowa Republican Party and improbably claimed namesake of the poll.

Representative Michele Bachmann claimed her victory in the 2011 Iowa straw poll by less than 1% over Ron Paul, as ‘decisive’.

Forty miles away, in the state’s capitol of Des Moines, Sarah Palin was sitting in her tour bus, eating deep-fried butter on-a-stick at the state fair. She was waiting for news from both Ames and South Carolina. She was trying to guess which would affect her more. She had her recent film running on the laptop and on her big screen TV monitor – Todd had the sound turned up loud.

The Minnesota GOPTea Patriots party is not happy that Bachmann is playing Iowa’s favorite-daughter candidate by reminding Iowans at every turn that she was born in the state and telling anyone who would listen that it’s past time there’s an Iowan in the White House.

“I have always been grateful that I’m an Iowan. Hometown is Waterloo, the home of John Wayne Gacy, where everything I need to know in life I learned growing up as a 7th generation Iowan,” Bachmann told one small group waiting in line to vote in Ames.

“You’d think that she lived in Iowa, and never been our US Representative for 3 terms in Minnesota,” said Amy Freeby, Minnesota GOPTea Patriots spokesperson.

Late evening Saturday, while most political watchers were taking bets on Pawlenty’s early exit Sunday, Bachmann focused on the national campaign and managed to appear on all 5 major Sunday morning programs. They were taped in Iowa on Saturday evening, of course.

“I wish him well. I had great respect for the governor,” Bachmann said moments after it was pre-announced that Pawlenty would announce he was dropping out. “But today is about me and my campaign.”

On the first program she taped for her favorite show Fox News Sunday, she answered the Minnesota GOPTea comment with, “My home state of Minnesota is not known as a conservative bastion, but that’s where I cut my teeth in a political sense, my home state of Minnesota.”

Quickly moving over to the ABC This Week taping 5 minutes later, Bachmann told ABC’s Jake Tapper live, “I think what people see in me is I’m a real person. I’m authentic Iowan. And I think people expect someone like me to go to Washington and represent their home state’s values,” she said. “You can tell Iowans for me Jake, that I am doing just that.”

As quickly as the ABC camera shut down, CBS’s Face the Nation crew exploded on the scene and Bachmann opened with her schedule for the week, “Marcus and I are going one on one from now on, state by state,” she told CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, noting that her campaign was headed for her beloved home state of South Carolina later in the week.

“Then it’s on to New Hampshire, where I grew up, you know I am a 7th generation New Hampshirean on my mother’s side,” she said. When that camera switched off, she turned in her chair to smile at the CNN crew as they clipped on a mic.

Their State of the Union cameras began rolling and she waved to an unseen Washington-based host and said, “What I brag about most in my home state of Minnesota is my upbringing there. My core principles were formed there. You lead from your core principles–that’s how you learn that where you are going is the right direction.”

NBC’s Meet the Press was the last of the tapings on Saturday in Ames. When that camera light went on, Bachmann said, “I think it’s because I’m talking about what the people in my home state of Iowa really care about—turning the economy around and job creation.” She paused for a response to her comment, then continued with:

“Ronald Reagan, my icon, was guided by his core principles, and that’s who will guide my decision making in my presidency in 2012.” she said. “When he was the president, I remember how much I wanted to be with him in the oval office. I wanted to carry his water for him – anything. Now I will have my husband carrying my water.” NBC’s crew shut down their camera and removed the mic from Ms. Bachmann’s lapel.

Talking to no one in particular, Bachmann repeated an answer to a question that she thought she heard being asked. “From the top, leadership starts from the top, the leadership of our country.” No open cameras, no microphones, but she said it anyway.

Finished with the whirlwind of tapings, husband Marcus came from behind the NBC crew truck holding two fine tastes of the Iowa State Fair, deep-fried butter on-a-stick and deep-fried Twinkie on-a-stick. He was planning to give his wife a sweet finish.

No one asked how the food came into his possession.

WASHINGTON – Faced with increasing criticism from within his own party about his concessions to Republicans as part of the recent debt ceiling deal, President Obama yesterday attempted to explain the reasoning behind his approach during a meeting with Democratic leaders at the White House. Continue Reading

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew straight up, and that’s why you put your vote behind that person. Continue Reading

After 25 years of successful lobbying against warning label reform, Big Tobacco suffered a major defeat this week when the FDA announced that starting in 2012 cigarettes would sport new graphic labels depicting charred lungs and dead bodies warning of the dangers of smoking. The labels would also include written warnings such as “Smoking causes cancer,” “Cigarettes lead to an early death,” and “Using Tobacco products will make you frequently poop.” Continue Reading

Stocks plunged worldwide and oil closed below $80 today on news that Germany will end its European Union membership effective 2012.

Financial analysts and global security experts are unable to predict how the unexpected move will shape an increasingly interconnected world. This much is known, nobody knows why the Germans made this decision, they won’t say why, and we have no way of making them talk. Continue Reading

The ever intrepid Wonki Leaks has scored another scoop with a revealing email sent by the acid blooded extreme American right winger Ann Coulter to the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Hacked from Breivik’s email account by Rupert Murdoch himself, then rehacked from Murdoch by fellow Australian Julian Assange personally, the tidbit became an instant internet smash when released.

The email then was re-rehacked by the crack email hacker team here at Glossynews, all hired from the now defunct British tabloid News Of The World.

The email, a proposition of love from Ms. Coulter to the handsome and deadly rightist Breivik, gives an insight in the working of the mind of the beloved (and beloathed) blond Republican literary diva. Here is the text in full:

Hello Handsome!

Sorry to hear of your tragic incarceration. Those devious liberals probably got you arrested on a concealed weapons charge. They don’t seem to change their tactics much from country to county.

They should be exterminated. Too bad gas showers aren’t allowed any more! The libtards are probably the ones behind that government restriction too. They just won’t let a worthwhile enterprise thrive!

You certainly have done your part. Imagine! Getting rid of over 90 liberals at one time! Impressive! And all by yourself with just a couple of handguns and some fertilizer. I would nominate you for the NRA poster boy of the year except you are from Norway and not the U.S. (Don’t get me wrong, big boy, Norway is almost as good as America.)

And then bombing the floor out from under those in the parliament! You are a real hunk of He-man! Not only do you get rid of the Social rats, but also the nest they sit in! Brilliant!

I know you might not be available much, but if you should ever get free for a couple nights (I know those lame European left wing laws might let you get out on the streets for a bit of fresh air. If they are stupid enough to make them, take advantage of them I always say!) I would like to hook up with you.

I really go for the blond, strong jawed, blue eyed Aryan types, especially if those eyes are as cold as ice. Having a hunk’s body helps too. At least in solitary in prison you’ll have plenty of time to keep your physique up.

Even if you do get the maximum Norwegian term for murder of 21 years, I’ll be waiting for you. A Fuhrer such as yourself only comes along once in a generation and the last one shot himself in a bunker in Berlin in 1945.

In case you don’t recognize me from my books or FOX News, I am a slender WASP ( very!) with blond hair and blue eyes (also very Aryan! We’d be such a perfect match!) I am a dedicated anti liberal and like to wear black miniskirts (just for you I will ‘forget’ to put on underwear with it!)

I have an enticing slim figure; some say ‘skeletal’ or ‘Allie McBealish’ (who was a libtard lawyer on a lefty-lame TV show. These people I sic my doberman on.) I know how to charm a muscle man like yourself. I have a sexy swastika laced nightgown that I wear only for special men.

We can have a romantic evening together, cuddling and watching reruns of 24 Hours or the Nuremburg Rallies, then sip wine, snack on gjetost and sauerkraut before stripping down and making Aryan babies. It would be so romantic! At the point of orgasm we would shriek Heil, Heil, Heil in unison!

Let me know your answer quickly love. I await in impassioned heat!

Just one request, my love. When you do get free, could you give up the organic farming business? It just seems so, so, so Leftist! Yuck!

NEW YORK – Despite suffering through one of the hottest summers on record, Americans are finding that their previous concerns about the possible long-term effects of global warming have been nearly eradicated as a result of their newfound fears about the global debt crisis. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC—In a desperate attempt to save the United States economy, President Obama approached the recent winners of the $228,900,000 Powerball Jackpot, Tom and Cathleen Morris of Burnsville, MN, and asked the married couple if he could, “Hit that sh%t up.”

John Aholi, a writer from Hoboken, New Jersey, has had his fair share of days trying to squeeze out short stories to post on his semi-successful blog “The John.” But now, thanks to a new product called Writer Fiber, the words are flowing on The John with little to no effort at all.” Continue Reading

Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue. Continue Reading

A recent disturbing discovery by a North Dakotan historian has revealed a disturbing fact about one of the least popular states in the union- the fact that it is not a state.

John Rolczynski has discovered that the governor and the state deputies at the time of it’s founding never took the oaths of office necessary to give North Dakota statehood. Continue Reading