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Canadians Obsessed with American Politics, seek to Vote as Honourary Americans

Canadians Obsessed with American Politics, seek to Vote as Honourary Americans

Thousands of Canadians are lobbying the United States government to allow them to vote as honourary Americans in US elections, despite their lacking US citizenship, because they know more about the United States than Canada.
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Racist Critics of North Korea & Saudi Arabia Should Check their Privilege

Racist Critics of North Korea & Saudi Arabia Should Check their Privilege

The Myanmar Buddho-Marxist Junta, Jabhat-al-Nusra, North Korean Gulags, Saudi Dictatorship…

These are all kind of problematic, but shouldn’t we be focusing on REAL PROBLEMS, like campus cafeterias plundering Indian culinary traditions, or men having inappropriate postures on the Tube….

Before we sanctimoniously moralize about things in other countries that are none of my business?

Who am I to say hanging people or sending them off to break stones is somehow ‘wrong?’ Continue Reading

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Glossy News Classics X: Dexter Sinistri’s “Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How”

Glossy News Classics X: Dexter Sinistri’s “Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How”

Since the death of his father, Kim Jong Il, Kim the third has struggled to establish what kind of leader he is. If he’s smart, or even just sagely selfish, he’ll open the country and become the richest man on the planet.

The black market is growing there and it threatens to overtake the legitimate, state-controlled markets. The difference is that there are no taxes collected from the ever-growing black market, regardless of how many bribes are collected daily to look the other way. Continue Reading

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Two More Glossy News Classics: North Korea Time

Two More Glossy News Classics: North Korea Time

Yesterday, you saw One Tongue Johnny’s sarcastic account of Saudi Arabia and North Korea. Today and tomorrow, two Glossy News Classics from our back catalogue continue this rather pertinent theme.

UPDATE: Actually, the former story has yet to appear.

Just to keep you on your toes! 😉

I blame Russia…

First, a fairly serious article on how Kim Jong Un can actually make positive reforms to North Korea. Continue Reading

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Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.

They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.

The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.

‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.

‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.

‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’

The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.

‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.

‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’

Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.

George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.

George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.

George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.

He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.

George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.

In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.

‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.

‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.

‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’

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United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel.

One of the chosen was a doctor who refused to give up his seat, using a lame excuse that he had an ethical obligation to see patients the next morning. There’s one in every crowd. There are also cell phones in every crowd, and many took videos of security guards dragging the 69-year old Asian American doctor down the aisle, ejecting him from the plane, complete with a broken nose and two lost teeth.

The bad news for United: Within an hour those videos went viral, making international news. The good news: – United’s stock actually took off – soared – the very next day, increasing the company’s market cap by $355 million. Apparently, investors were impressed by United’s new slogan, “At United, we’ll treat you as well as we treat your luggage!” And now United now has plenty of ready cash for the lawsuits.

The airlines’ CEO, Oscar Munoz, wasted no time in defending their policy: “If you don’t have many Frequent Flyer miles and you paid a low price for your ticket, we have the right to remove you. Be grateful we carry this out while still on the ground. The Board of Directors argued for inflight ejections, but we couldn’t agree on whether or not to supply parachutes.”

Today, however, amidst public furor, United reversed itself and issued several new policy guidelines to reassure hesitant travelers that once again, the airline is committed to bringing back the friendly skies. Effective immediately, United will make the following changes in its passenger policies:

No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.

Passengers whose luggage exceeds the 50-pound weight limit will no longer have to pay a fee. Instead, the offending luggage will simply be returned to the baggage claim customer service desk – at the place of origin – once the flight has taken off.

Passengers who attempt to board before their section has been called will no longer be exposed to full body cavity searches. If they are suspected of trying to smuggle snacks onto the plane, searches will be narrowly confined to the breast and groinal areas.

Passengers who fail to fit their carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment will no longer have their bags confiscated and sold to the highest bidder.

Passengers who exceed the ten-minute limit in the lavatory will no longer be subjected to an announcement over the PA that “the passenger in seat 32B has exceeded their bathroom time allotment.” Instead, all other passengers will be encouraged to hurl their second bag of peanuts at the infractor upon his exiting the lavatory.

First class passengers who complain about their meal will no longer be downgraded to coach for being so ungrateful. But they won’t get the Crème brûlée dessert.

Passengers who repeatedly press the call button causing a disturbance to the cabin crew will no longer be subjected to verbal abuse by a flight attendant. They will simply be shunned for the duration of the flight.

People suspected of stealing the in-flight magazine will no longer be frisked upon disembarkment. Living with the guilt of what you’ve done should be punishment enough for your brazen thievery.

Finally, if United is overbooked and needs volunteers to leave the plane, security guards will never again haul a passenger down the aisle against their will. Instead, flight attendants will sedate them, quietly place them in a wheel chair, and shove them out the emergency exit – preferably before the plane has begun taxying.

Sounds like United has learned its lesson.

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Posted in Human Interest, Making Headlines, Top Stories1 Comment

The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

I SHOT AN ARROW

I shot an arrow
Into the air
It came down
And pegged a hare.
My rifle I shot so straight and true
And brought me down a caribou.
Moose when they see my trail they quake
Ptarmigan their feathers shake.
Full grown bears will turn and run
When they see my Remington.

The creatures know
I’m somewhat prone
To leave them dead,
Their brains out-blown.

To run, now some will not even bother,
They stand stock still, scared to the bone,
It’s because I’m the biggest Mother,
That their woods have ever known.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the grandest of us all?
I’ve seduced McCain, become his Queen
And before the world am now seen.
My realm has grown from Alaska land
To encompass Maine to Rio Grande.
I’m so hot Ted Nugent wants to do me
And yet the Democrats eschew me.
I’m so hot the firemen douse me
When old men try to accost me.

I know now it’s all a game,
A strive for glory, power and fame.
Shake all hands and smile a lot,
Make sure chickens are in every pot.
But I will play a little dumb
And wait for my chance to come
And go hell bent for broke
Should ever the old geezer croak.

SOFUSTICATED

On me you must have pity,
I am not from the big city.
Sophistication is an art
I have not yet gart.
I’ve never had Chablis,
Modern art still eludes me.
But don’t you get rude,
Or even a little bit crude
Or I will show you some talent
From my side of the planet,
You’ll be field-dressed and gutted
And as a last touch- denutted.

————————————————
Said a young lass from Alaska
“If I want yer opinion I’ll ask ‘ya!”
A maverick she was
With justifiable cause
Her very own party
Had treated her farty
So she said, “If ‘ya screw me then I’ll blast ‘ya!”

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Exclusive Tour Inside a B-17 Bomber

Exclusive Tour Inside a B-17 Bomber

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Those interested in military history will find this fascinating.

Not many people reading will have found themselves behind the controls of a B-17 bomber.

Perhaps a few have.

Do you have any memories?

Was it a museum piece like this, or for real?

Feel free to comment below! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone0 Comments

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

From Blair Effect to Cameron? How Long Before Dave Starts Making Helpful Public ‘Interventions?’

One of the most hilarious things on Twitter is the apparently non-satirical interventions Tony Blair makes in public life.

But it turns out brave Dave hasn’t exactly retired to have a wank in his yacht either! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Brief Intro to ISIS

Brief Intro to ISIS

ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, is a group of radical fundamentalist anti-Western Islamists who believe that Muslims must follow strict Sharia law and forsake cultural perversions such as capitalistic greed and social liberty. A very moralistic lot, ISIS believes that human beings should be guided by a strict and literal reading of the Koran – which is to say, what they interpret it to mean. The highest calling is jihad, to do Allah’s work on earth, for which a soldier will be rewarded in heaven. Making the ultimate sacrifice of his life will yield the greatest reward. Just as in Christianity, whatever happens on this planet is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Eternity lasts forever, while life on earth is transitory. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Not Funny: Another Tasteless Joke About Syria (It Doesn’t Taste of Bitter Orange Though)

Not Funny: Another Tasteless Joke About Syria (It Doesn’t Taste of Bitter Orange Though)

What’s the difference between moderate Syrian choppers and an impotent autocrat? Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Richard Dawkins, professor emeritus and former chair of public understanding of science at Oxford University has announced plans to open a new fish and chip shop that aims to serve up a sustainable catch. Professor Dawkins explained:

Cod has been on the Marine Conversation Society’s endangered stocks list for many years now.
But, despite all of the evidence, traditional fish and chip shops have continued to ignore these warnings.
Those who believe we can simply continue to consume cod at our current rates are under a severe delusion!

Professor Dawkins continued:

However, at my fish and chip shop, we are proud to say that there is no cod.

Professor Dawkins rose to fame in the fishing industry in 1976 with the release of his book “The Shellfish Gene.” He further cemented his reputation as one of the sharkest thinkers in marine biology with his 1998 bestselling book “Unweaving the Rainbow Trout.”

However, he has been in the public eye most recently for his sharp criticism of religion. Alongside Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens and Daniel Dennett, Dawkins is referred to as one of the “four seahorses of the apocalypse.”

Professor Dawkins’s shop has come under attack from Christian groups. Stephen Green from Christian Voice accused the shop of failing to provide a sustainable alternative. Green explained:

It would be much more efficient for Dawkins to buy two loaves of bread and a few fish, and then divide them up until everybody had some.

 

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Posted in Science, World News0 Comments

Advanced Casino Technology is the Way Forward

Advanced Casino Technology is the Way Forward

NetEnt Leads the Way with the First Virtual Reality Slot

The online casino industry has made incremental progress to present itself as a real alternative to traditional gambling. Now that so many people have made the transition from brick-and-mortar casinos to the online environment, Internet competition has intensified. Not only operators, but also software developers compete for customers and try to come up with something different. NetEnt is once again at the forefront of innovation and it is ready to set an important milestone with a new virtual reality slot.

The leading provider of digital casino solutions plans on bringing an iconic slot to the realm of virtual reality. The decision to choose Gonzo’s Quest is not a coincidence, since this is one of the most popular five reel video slots. This is a bold new step into uncharted territory, but one that shows a lot of promise and carries fewer risks. Technology has evolved enough for online casinos to support VR games and get players fully immersed into the gaming atmosphere.

Virtual Reality Takes Games to the next Stage

The online casino industry isn’t the only one to positively respond to the advancements made by virtual reality technology. Videogame developers are going to great lengths to produce first-person shooters and adventure games compatible with the latest VR sets. Now that the gear is not only reliable but also inexpensive, such games can create a trend. Online casinos are booming in popularity as can be seen here, and they require even less processing power, since slots, table games and video pokers already run smoothly on mobile devices.

NetEnt representatives were happy to announce the imminent release of Gonzo’s Quest for virtual reality. They are confident that WebVR technology will quickly become the next big thing and will shape the future of online gaming. Players got the chance to check out the game and ICE Totally Gaming and it is expected to be released across the entire NetEnt network in the second quarter of 2017.

 

 

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In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp

In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp

April arrives, and like seasons, brings cherry blossoms to bloom in Washington D.C.

One side or another deflowers the hopes of Liberty or the Peace  Movement.

Trump has embraced warfare and the welfare state.

The swamp will take away the bloom from the wild Irish rose. Continue Reading

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When the President-Elect Changed his Mind

When the President-Elect Changed his Mind

In American politics, the only constant these days is change. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, though, since that’s what most people have voted for – one can’t be sure this was what they had in mind, though, but this is the situation we have to work with. Change is constant and has been a constant in our lives even before comedian John Oliver’s favorite topic occupied the recently vacated property at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Yet the inhabitant of the property has been seen to change – especially his mind – quite frequently in the last few months, not to mention in the years prior to his ascension to the pinnacle of political power. Continue Reading

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(Meme): A Lesson from the Donald

(Meme): A Lesson from the Donald

THIS IS NOT AN UNPATRIOTIC MEME

THIS IS NOT AN UNPATRIOTIC MEME

THIS IS NOT AN UNPATRIOTIC MEME

THIS IS NOT AN UNPATRIOTIC MEME

THIS IS NOT AN UNPATRIOTIC MEME

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