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New MIT lab wants to cure autism

New MIT lab wants to cure autism

In the occasionally some news is good news department, Gadfly is happy to report that there’s a new kid on the block, a new lab at MIT started with a private donation, that has expressed a desire to find a cure and prevention for autism.

Hock Tan and Lisa Yang, parents of two autistic children and MIT alumni, have donated 20 million dollars for this laboratory.

In another article they state they want to erase the devastating effects of autism and want a world free of the burdens of autism.  Continue Reading

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“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Experts discover that American politicians, pundits, and journalists frequently say “That’s not appropriate” when they really mean, “I want to tear out your intestines and strangle you with them for doing that.”

Leslie Montague, psychologist at Pick Your Brains Medical Center in Scranton, began researching the euphemism when she saw CNN correspondent Jim Acosta at President Trump’s news conference.
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One Day Without Us: Letting Migrants Stay is NOT ‘Idealistic’ or ‘Sentimental’

One Day Without Us: Letting Migrants Stay is NOT ‘Idealistic’ or ‘Sentimental’

Glossy News is a non-partisan satire site.
But even a co-editor is entitled to express one’s view on divisive issues, once in a while.
I’m going down soon to the ‘One Day Without Us’ event in Leeds.
Make sure you go too, if you are interested in this issue.
Here are some tweets to get your brain juices a-movin’!
If you’re unsure and undecided, please remember that the truly hard headed and pragmatic thing to do is to not split up families, unless there is an overwhelming reason to do so.
I don’t believe there is, on this occasion. Continue Reading

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Comedians Replace Democrats to Oppose Psycho Clown Republicans

Comedians Replace Democrats to Oppose Psycho Clown Republicans

To address the challenge presented by the new Republican Party, the Democratic Party has been replaced by a bevy of comedians.

The challenge began in 2017 when President Donald Trump made psychopathy cool. Henceforth the Republicans became informally known as the Psycho Clown Posse. Trump capitalized on the press’s bad press, further demonizing journalists whom the American public already trusted less than lawyers and politicians.
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Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

Betsy’s Twat Burnt Down My Son’s School

I heard the bulletin at work. There was a riot at the Ralph Kramden Elementary School in Los Angeles. That was my son’s school. I left work to hurry down and find him. When I got there hundreds of teachers were marching around the school chanting, “That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat! That wasn’t a tweet! That was a twat!” Continue Reading

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How Vicente Fox Won the Cold War

How Vicente Fox Won the Cold War

Nobody else can drop these #fucken #apostrophes like a boss! Let’s give it up for big Vic!

(By the way, if you don’t believe me, look him up on Youtube. This is a really classy guy! Love his flow).

***

Hey Jo, you know, we not havin your fucken missiles next door to our country. Continue Reading

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CNN to Issue Trigger Warnings before Trump Appearances

CNN to Issue Trigger Warnings before Trump Appearances

NEW YORK – CNN today announced its new policy of issuing trigger warnings before showing the face of President Donald Trump to viewing audiences.

“We know the mere mention of President’s Trump name or the sight of his face is enough to trigger serious emotional distress or even seizures in a large part of our viewing audience,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN. “So we believe that this is an appropriate policy for our time. Families with children will really appreciate this warning, as the mere sight of Trump reportedly makes many babies, small infants, and millennials cry uncontrollably.”

CNN has estimated that millions of viewers have turned off CNN because of their sheer terror that Trump may appear on their screens and further traumatize them with his blunt language, harsh policies, and brutish lack of diplomatic tact.

“Just as we issue warnings before showing bloody, mangled corpses after mass murders or terrorist attacks, so we will issue warnings before showing the face of Donald J. Trump or mentioning his name.”

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President Trump Trashes Oval Office

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.

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Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health.

Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted into his 70 year-old brain,” said the psychiatrists. “Our expert medical opinion is that President Trump is off his rocker. More specifically, he’s fallen off his rocker, landed on the floor, rolled off the floor and out the front door, down the steps and down the mountain side, splashed into the ocean and sank into a volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

Thanks to the technological services of an anonymous group of hackers, 200 million Americans were able to simultaneously pipe their response to the letter directly into the bedrooms of all 37 psychiatrists. Transmitted at a deafening decibel, the response was, “No shit, Captain Obvious!”

Two days later, the NY Times published a letter signed by 37 different psychiatrists who reached the opposite conclusion, that Trump’s mental state is as healthy as anyone’s can be.

Curiously, both letters were signed by 20 men and 17 women. One of the male psychiatrists who signed the first letter is a little person, and one who signed the second is also a little person.

Three of the men who signed the first letter, and three of the different men who signed the second all have 9 inch-long scraggly beards that have the same mixed shades of brown and grey.

Two of the women who signed the first letter, and two of the different women who signed the second have had mastectomies.

This has led one physicist to blame the mirroring effect on spillover from other universes in the multiverse.

Another physicist, Eugene Nerdopolous, has posited what he calls the “Of Course Principle” to explain the puzzling phenomenon of professionals who cancel each other out in psychiatry and in several other sciences.

“To paraphrase Isaac Newton,” he says, “for every psychiatrist there’s an equal and opposite psychiatrist.

“And the same holds in any scientific field in which a lot of money is at stake for the scientist. If one blood spatter expert is willing to testify that the blood left at the crime scene was caused by a gruesome act of murder, of course another will testify that the red fluid isn’t blood at all, but raspberry filling from a squashed donut.”

The differences aren’t due merely to the ambiguity of the subject matter, which could allow for different rational interpretations. “It’s more a question of the world mocking our vain attempts to understand and control it. When 37 psychiatrists think anyone needs them to state the obvious about Trump, and then the universe throws up 37 equal and opposite psychiatrists, something’s having a laugh at our expense.”

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U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims.

According to Peters, stores across the country have boxed up the lawn inflatables and dancing Santas, along with their holiday cheer. What started as a protest by Starbucks has quickly spread across the nation.

As Peters puts it, “They’ve stolen the joy from young and old alike.” Continue Reading

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Scientific Advertising

Scientific Advertising

Scientific Advertising is an incredible book. Why? Because it is the online marketing bible. Everyone in online marketing is talking about it. This in itself would be a pretty impressive feat for a book. But it gets even more incredible: it was written in 1923.

How is this possible? How does the entire global e-commerce industry run on a book written before computers even existed? Continue Reading

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Fighting Over the Birth Canal

Fighting Over the Birth Canal

We fought the mosquitos for the Panama Canal. Thousands died fighting over the Suez Canal and between the snakes and the Untouchables, the Ganges Canal was a nightmare.

But they were nothing compared to the current hubbub surrounding the Birth Canal.

A canal that has caused more trouble than all the other canals combined. Continue Reading

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Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions Wins Big

The U.S. Supreme Court handed the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions a clear victory yesterday by defining a labor union as “one or more people doing more or less the same thing.” The landmark case of BEU vs. Clive Nuevo, gave the BEU the right to organize unions wherever they felt one was needed.

Mr. Nuevo claimed he was organized and unionized against his will by the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions whom he said snuck up behind him while he was fishing by himself on the bank of a small lake in southern New Mexico. When he refused to pay dues to the newly created Catfisherman’s Local 102, Clive was sued by the BEU for breach of implied contract.

The defense team presented the common sense argument that it was impossible for a new union to be formed without an existing company. They accused the BEU of extorting money from people by randomly declaring them to be members of a union they just made up and then demanding the new union member start paying dues.

The attorneys for the Brotherhood of Extemporaneous Unions argued that labor, in any form, is vulnerable to exploitation and needs the protection of an organized union.

The court sided with the BEU and Clive was ordered to start paying dues and held him responsible for all past dues now in arrears. The historic decision also ruled that a company is naturally created when a new union comes into existence, otherwise the union, now considered the key entity, could not exist.

And therefore Mr. Nuevo was not only a union member now protected under the bylaws of the BEU, but also the default owner of said company. And as such was found to be in violation of the 1935 National Labor Relations Act that specifically prohibits management personnel from doing jobs protected by the union. The Catfisherman’s Local 102 filed an immediate union grievance against Mr. Nuevo on behave of Mr. Nuevo.

The verdict was a disappointment to many people who also felt they had been unionized unfairly. After hearing the court’s ruling a member of Line Standers Local 113, Coffee Drinkers Local 92 and Public Restroom Urinators Local 75 said, “Those damn union guys followed me all around the mall. Mr. Nuevo ought to consider himself lucky to only be in one union. I don’t know how I am going to afford all these dues.”

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Immigration- For Once I Actually Agree With Something Trump Says.

Immigration- For Once I Actually Agree With Something Trump Says.

Strange days indeed!- I actually agree with Trump on something.

First off, build that damn wall!!!!!

11 million Hispanics are living illegally in the U.S. and they have the cheek to insist that they are justified in doing so? Wrong! By sneaking across the border they have already shown that they have no respect for our laws by doing so. Are they going to respect the rest of the laws while they are here?

It is said that they are escaping poverty. Yes, but their countries were formed at the same time as ours and have abundant resources. Why are they not economically better off? Is is our fault they are poor?

Somewhat, yesl because we do tend to dominate the policies and the economies in this part of the world.

But a greater share of the reason would be that they have allowed themselves to be dominated by leaders and religions that tend towards repression and by domination by the landowners and the wealthy. Edward Abbey once said that we should send all illegals back to across the border but give them all a gun to cure the corrupt politics back home.

Temporarily restrict travel from seven Muslim countries who tend to have a lot of terrorists? Sounds sane to me! Give us some time to let muddy waters clear so we can make our homeland a little more safe. Quit yelling folks, it is a TEMPORARY ban, not permanent.

I wish as much yelling were made about the poverty in our own country with homelessness and working people not making enough to make the basics of life. The Sioux reservation in South Dakota is still the most poverty stricken district in the U.S. How about helping them to get the jobs that are going to immigrants?

The major reason we let in so many immigrants is that companies and businesses want a cheap source of labor. Remember- a bunch of guys got into the country on student visas and killed over 2,000 people by flying jets into buildings.

The ones shouting the loudest are the immigrants themselves (sorry, this really isn’t your country to begin with. Quit telling us what we are supposed to do with it). And, interestingly the tech industries. Gee, white collar geek guys, you are purposely hiring engineers and computer whizzes from foreign countries that use English as a business language because they will work cheaper than born in the USA people.

And now you are now pretending to be patriotic? It doesn’t fly, folks.

The protests have grown to be embarrassingly knee jerk and empty headed. It is mechanical to just go against everything our pseudo President-select says and does; that makes us just as bad as him. This same energy thrown into helping the ethnic groups already here would do wonders. We don’t need anymore people from elsewhere, at least for a while.

The various crisis’s in various countries are terrible but at some time people need to take care of their own problems. Running over here doesn’t solve them.

Too many think that the U.S., Canada and Europe are Shangri-La’s where everything is all rosy. It isn’t. The immigrants are usually shifted into the poorer neighborhoods where they have to fend for themselves. Their kids often join gangs of their own countrymen for protection and to get some of the financial circulation for themselves.

And how do they have to do it if they have no jobs? You know the answer already- drugs, theft, prostitution.

It used to be once upon a time that people did come over for genuine religious or freedom issues. Now for most it is because they see the U.S. as being one big bank where everyone is wealthy and has no troubles (although compared with some of the countries like Syria it is by comparison).

They want to tap into that bank.

They want a piece of the pie that they didn’t help bake.

We have enough people here already. More than enough.

A Chinese woman I knew managed to get out of mainland China and into Germany by agreeing to work as a computer technician on a stipend with free housing.

She left behind her child and husband to get out because she hated China so much. She did everything she could to stay there. When she mentioned she wouldn’t mind going to America too I told her that we had too many people already.

“No, America has lots of room!” she replied.

It does, if you compare it to China where they let their population explosion get away from them.

Too many times I have experienced foreigners pulling crap in this country. When I go to other countries I make it a point to be respectful and civil with the people there; a sentiment unfortunately ignored by many Americans I have seen go overseas. Many who come here see us as being fools or stupid and show no respect or regard what-so-ever.

Here are some examples I’ve experienced personally here in my own country to name just a few:

1. Being threatened by a large British man because he didn’t like it that I forbid alcohol consumption in a hostel I was running and didn’t let people run around wild like he thought I should.

2. At same hostel got punched in the eye by an anarchistic German who I was kicking out for being a jerk and suffered permanent eye damage.

3. Having a very pregnant illegal Hispanic woman ask me if I wanted to get married while I was working in her house. Turns out her relatives had put her up to it. If I would make a fake marriage with her she could get benefits. The real father had run out on her.

4. Had an Irish roommate here on a holiday visa but was working illegally marry an American just so he could get citizenship and the right to work. I actually got him a job (now I know better) and the boss started paying him and an illegal Aussie more than me. The Aussie still wanted to strike for more money even though he was illegal.

5, Had a big Swiss Hotel General Manager who had the swagger and character of a combination Teutonic Nazi, a white supremacist and a Mafia boss who would be physically and verbally intimidating, was racist and looked down on everyone. Why do we let these people into the country in the first place? He ended up choking on his own karma.

When doing construction work I was often put in charge of guiding the Hispanics, probably half of them illegal. I would always treat them well and try to communicate with them with what Spanish I knew. Then came the day when there was a foreman who was a Hispanic immigrant who had worked his way up. Suddenly they were treating me like crap because I was the minority. IN MY OWN COUNTRY! It was a wakening call for me.

Had a Hispanic gas station worker tell me there wasn’t any work there even though there was a sign up in the window. He was saving the job for one of his buddies.

Even that highly enlightened Comedy Central personality Carlo Mendez had an interview on his show asking a Hispanic guy at a work site if he would feel bad taking a job from an American. “Hell no!” he answered both laughing heartily about it.

Build that wall! We have enough people in this country to do the work we need done already. And we can be compassionate with the people who are here already; there are definitely enough of them.

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Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]

Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

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When They Go Low, I Go High (President Obama is Having a Pretty Chill Retirement)

When They Go Low, I Go High (President Obama is Having a Pretty Chill Retirement)

chrisvila.com
@vilachumley

Our correspondent, Don Lemon of CNN, caught up with the former President Barack Obama in his first interview since Donald Trump took office.

Don Lemon: What have you been up to these past few weeks, Barack?

Obama: Look around, Don. Just me and a few friends, hanging out on Necker Island…

British Virgin Islands…

You know, Branson’s private island. Oh man, warm and sunny…

Reminds me of my days in Hawaii.

I couldn’t take any more of that “Rancho Mirage Presidential Retreat” place for more than a few days. Been there six times already…

And the weather sucked. California rain? Please…

And folks everywhere.

DL: So what’s the deal here, Barack?

BO: Necker Island? Well, Richard has been a long-time advocate of legal weed.

We met at the White House in 2012 after Dave Cameron came…

Do you remember when Sir Richard joked about asking me for a spliff at that panel discussion? He wasn’t joking. My kind of guy. We just hit it off and I’ve been counting down the days since. When you make it to the top…

That spotlight…

Man, I need that downtime…

Eight friggin’ years…

Serious shit every day…

Hey Don, does it smell like Ferguson?

[LAUGHTER]

DL: Hahahaha. Don’t bust my chops…

I thought i was reporting the scene…

Called it as I saw it.

BO:

Well, that shit’s got to stop!

(LAUGHTER)

… Narc!

Anyways, 2012…

My friend David Maranis wrote that book about my high school years.

I had turned fifty and he reminded me of times…

The Choomwagon, total absorption…

Intercepting joints…

Those were the best years of my life!…

I’m here now, you know what I mean?

DL: And what’s your average day look like?

BO: Well, it’s about “me time…”

I’ve earned it…

Like some midlife crisis…

But better!

I sleep as late as I want…

I’ll read some Borowitz or some GlossyNews. Kick it with one of eight kinds of cereals…

Do you know how hard it is to get BooBerry or Count Chocula?

(LAUGHTER)

… My day doesn’t really start until 4:20.

(LAUGHTER)

I might shoot hoops with Reggie Love… That’s his real name.

(LAUGHTER)

I like my Arugula Salad with jerk chicken. I’ll wash it down with Jamaican Red Stripe Beer and watch the sun go down… Are you feelin’ me?”

DL: Yeah Potus, the islands… Hey, didn’t Michelle just leave here last week to DC with Sasha?

BO: Michelle went. I got her a sweet huge “rental…”

(LAUGHTER)

8,200 square feet in the Kalorama District … I’m having a good time here with Richard… He runs his empire from here…

You know, I can tweet from here, set up my foundation from here…

Don, you know how popular I am, right? So many things I can do…

I’m thinking crazy stuff like writing for Wallace, maybe a regular column…

Or starting a show…

Filmed from right here…

You know it’s gonna work

(LAUGHTER)

… Maybe something like “WWOD, What Would Obama Do?”

(LAUGHTER)

I really have this Dave Chappelle thing in mind… Me as Nixon… Cheney… Russians …

(LAUGHTER)

I’m gonna call it “When They Go Low, I Go High!”

(LOTS OF LAUGHTER)
Michelle came up with that… I’m telling you Don, I’m done with politics!

… Hey what time is it? … Don, you got to go!

(FALL DOWN LAUGHTER)

chrisvila.com
@vilachumley

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