Moscow (TASS). In a shocking announcement, the Constitutional Court of Russia has handed down conspiracy to commit murder indictments against Senator Lindsey (“I am not defective”) Graham (R-SC) and co-conspirator Lev Parnas. The charges include threatening bodily harm…“The only way this ends is for somebody in Russia to take this guy out.” Moreover, Graham’s predicament got infinitely more serious when it was revealed by court records that he enlisted (despite their past tensions) the aid of Lev Parnas (Ukrainian born, American business man and close associate of Rudy Giuliani) to contract a hit on the Russian President cum war criminal.
It turns out that Parnas was an unwitting dupe in an FSB sting operation that used him to approach the Senator on a Ukrainian humanitarian support effort and then unknowingly, secretly recorded their conversation on a cleverly retrofitted Mont Blanc Meisterstück Pen. Using the remotely captured vocal intonations of both Graham and Parnas it was then possible for the FSB to completely fabricate the incriminating conversation. At least this was the argument released by the offices of Parnov and Graham. “We all know what that ex-KGB scumbag Putin is capable of—this is just a pathetic attempt to frame us and deflect from his failures in the Ukraine and the dimunitive horsepower of his Johnson. We categorically deny the charges that we conspired to hire a hit man to take the “pecker-head” out. As much as it appealed on some level, rubbing out of the slimy little turd was just a fantasy. You know, it’s like dreaming about having sex with Nancy Pelosi, but no matter how intense the feeling it is just a dream and you never act on it.”
When asked if he would be going to Moscow to defend himself Graham responded, “Hell no! Do you think I’m crazy. These guys think that habeas corpus is just another way of being buried. They can try me in absentia if they want to because there is no way in hell they are ever going to see my southern ass in one of their corrupt courtrooms! Besides, Lev said he and Rudy would handle it.”