Trump Claims “Afternoon Delights” Alibi

Washington, DC (AP).  Under attack for the missing White House call logs, former President Donald Trump said, “there are no call logs because there were simply no calls made during that time period! You guys can make all the stink you want about obstruction, burner phones, inciting a riot, coup schmo, etc, and I have is one word for you—sex. That’s right (and I don’t mean to be braggadocio) while you scum were out fabricating your fake news, I was otherwise engaged in ‘flagrante delicioso’ (sic) for 7 hours and 37 minutes—so eat your hearts out! Melania and I often have these ‘special’ times together and January 6th was one of them. You can even ask Putin for indirect corroboration—he is the one who turned me on to ‘goryachiy posleobedennyy seks’ as a way to relieve the stress of always having to defend my words (and crowd size at my rallies) and being continuously persecuted.” Trump also said, “that his former press secretary and supposedly “super evangelical” Kayleigh McEnany, “who I think is a bit of a voyeuristic hypocrite, was hanging around and probably got an earful.” 

However, in a contradictory, leaked, conversation between Melania and her older sister (and only friend) Ines Knauss, she confided that she hasn’t done the deed with old “tighty whitey” since Charlottesville.

Offering his professional perspective on the issue, University of Taipei, trained sexologist, Dr. Wee B. Randzi suggests that the discrepant recollections are most likely caused by The Donald’s narcissistic and delightful compulsion to believe he is getting “some” whenever he wants. Coming to his father’s defense Donald Trump Jr. stated, “all these oriental doctors are the same, they think they know it all and spew advice, when what they really know is “doodley squat.” The only thing they ever gave us was the Wujan* virus! So screw you, Chinese doctors.”

*Apparently Junior thinks Wujan is in Taiwan.

Author: Lew Tuck

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