Category: Top Stories
Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council
Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and…
Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”
Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers. ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation…
Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt. The incident occurred…
New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando
ORLANDO, FL- Amidst the controversy of the recent verdict in the Zimmerman trial, the National Rifle Association has opened up a new theme park in the popular tourist location of Orlando, Florida. The theme park features a drive through safari…
Hasbro Introduces PTSD GI Joe
In an effort to introduce children to the realities of war, Hasbro Inc. announced today that it will begin marketing the new PTSD GI Joe. “Up until now we have always presented GI Joe as being fearless, ready to kill…
Speak English or Go Home, This is ‘Merica (comic)
The turbo-patriots like to cling to some notion of America than never was, like saying we’re a Christian nation (we aren’t,) or that English should be our national language (it shouldn’t.) If you really want to lavish your founders with…
Republicans Demand Recount of Presidential Election Citing Illegal Zombie Voters
A U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by Republicans because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote. Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Democratic campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as…
Kim Jong-Il ‘Completes Death Star’
According to North Korean propaganda, Kim Jong-Il has achieved every Star Wars fan boys wet dream and finished his “Death Star” and claims it is ‘now fully operational’. Our source in North Korea report that ‘Talks of an attack have…
Historic compromise – Snowden and Obama both to stand trial
This reporter has learned from confidential sources that have top security clearance and a ticket to Hong Kong that there will be a major compromise in the Snowden case. Mr. Snowden, who has been indicted for espionage, theft and conversion…
To Avoid Political Scandal, Devoted Wife Teresa Heinz Kerry Becomes Ill
Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him. “My wife is so wonderful she…