Categorized | Society, Top Stories

New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

ORLANDO, FL- Amidst the controversy of the recent verdict in the Zimmerman trial, the National Rifle Association has opened up a new theme park in the popular tourist location of Orlando, Florida. The theme park features a drive through safari inhabited by at risk, inner city youth. Although the park has been under scrutiny for this segment of their theme park, they also have been scrutinized for their section of the park themed after the literary classic, The Most Dangerous Game.

RIGHT: The less violent patrons enjoy the park’s attractions. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“We aren’t doing anything that violates this state’s laws,” Explains executive vice president of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre. “We are providing a family friendly environment that is not only ethical, but completely safe.”

Several petitions filed by the American Civil Liberties Union expound upon clear cut violations of civil rights laws, citing the utter lack of diversity of the attractions in the park.

The NRA has responded to these allegations through an official press release that states “… the lack of diversity of the inhabitants of both parts of the park is coincidental. These children are bought from certain vendors in more urban areas. The fact that those areas tend to host larger minority populations is coincidental, and not intentional on the part of the NRA.”

Despite the influx of negative reviews and bad press, Stand Your Ground Land has proven to be successful, not only with families but rich white business men as well.

Cheryl Dumphres, Florida resident and mother of two, explained to reporters the allure of the theme park. She said, “It seems like a terrible idea, but really, this place is probably much better than where they came from. They get to live in a place that looks familiar, but don’t have to worry about their natural predators, gang recruiters.”

She went on to say, “It’s amazing to see them in their natural habitat. You drive through these streets that have liquor stores, failing school systems, and a crumbling recreational infrastructure. At the beginning of the park, there are these candy machines. For just a quarter, you get a hand full of Skittles. When you put your hand with the Skittles out of the window, they just come right up to the car!”

The real attraction that seems to be gaining the most attention, is the part of the park themed after the Richard Connell short story. Using the Zimmerman trial as legal precedence, patrons purchase passes to walk through a suburban neighborhood that has reported an increase in crime rates.

“It’s all apart of the theme,” Says businessman Herbert Bottsworth. “On your way in to the park, they play police reports telling you how there have been reports of break ins. As you enter the gated community, you have your pick of loitering adolescents. I brought my own Marlin .22 caliber hunting rifle. I can’t wait to come back with my friends.”

He adds, “The only hitch is that you have to make sure to scream ‘I feel threatened’ for you to escape any residual man slaughter charges. That Zimmerman sure knows how to have a good time.”

When asked for comment, George Zimmerman was no where to be found. Those closest to Zimmerman stated they had not seen him since the not-guilty verdict, but most sources speculate that he fled for Canada, where there is a much lower African-American population.

Share

This post was written by

- who has written 44 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

.

Leave a Reply


We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

DHgate.com



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial