Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan Sam. Apparently Kellogg’s is trying to corner the market on both high-fructose breakfast cereals and cartoon toucan characters. Read more Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

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Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

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Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

After 25 years of successful lobbying against warning label reform, Big Tobacco suffered a major defeat this week when the FDA announced that starting in 2012 cigarettes would sport new graphic labels depicting charred lungs and dead bodies warning of the dangers of smoking. The labels would also include written warnings such as “Smoking causes cancer,” “Cigarettes lead to an early death,” and “Using Tobacco products will make you frequently poop.” Read more Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

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Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

In a series of speeches the newly announced presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann blasted popular websites such as Google and Wikipedia for causing the slow economic recovery as pawns in President Obama’s grand plan for “turning our country into a nation of slaves.” Read more Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

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Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

The scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World is spreading to Murdoch’s other holdings and some say it could spell doom for his News Corporation empire.

Realizing immediately that his newspaper apology was doing nothing to quell the anger rising exponentially across the globe against himself and his clan, the media mogul decided it was time to bring out the big guns to fight the onslaught of criticism.

Murdoch has reportedly bought 1,000 adorable puppies of some of the cutest breeds around, including English Bulldogs, Yorkshire Terriers, and Shih Tzus, and he has personally taken it upon himself to pass the puppies out at news conferences to his accusers. Read more Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

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Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Read more Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

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Sexual Predator Accused of Heading International Monetary Fund

NEW YORK – Renowned French sexual predator Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in police custody today, charged with running a global loansharking scheme that forced impoverished nations to submit to humiliating and degrading terms as a condition of their borrowing.

Authorities said the loan scheme, known as the International Monetary Fund (IMF), is suspected of having caused devastating social and economic impact to borrower countries under the guise of humanitarian assistance. Read more Sexual Predator Accused of Heading International Monetary Fund

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Baptist Minister Performs Exorcism on Stock Market

New York, NY – GlossyNews.com – “DEMONS OF VOLATILITY, COME OUT!”

So declaimed the Rev. Buster Shillerberg yesterday afternoon on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange. The diminutive Reverend Shillerberg spoke in loud oracular tones that rolled like thunder over a bemused crowd of well-dressed Wall Street types watching from the sidewalk.

“DEMONS OF SELL-OFFS. DEMONS OF SHORT-SELLING. DEMONS OF PUT OPTIONS. DEMONS OF SHEEP-LIKE PANIC OVER GREEK DEBT, OVER THE EURO, OVER THE GULF OIL SPILL… I COMMAND YOU TO COME OUT!” Read more Baptist Minister Performs Exorcism on Stock Market

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Top 15 Tips to Surviving Office Life

Everyone knows how stressful an office environment can be. Work can be hard enough without having to deal with co-workers and office equipment. But the hits just keep on coming, and the hours seem longer and longer. The following list contains 15 pointers that will help you survive your days at the office.

TOP 15 OFFICE SURVIVAL TIPS Read more Top 15 Tips to Surviving Office Life

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News: Upscale Suburban Hillbilly Sells House

“Whole thing came as a shock really” said Clyde Dreyfuss this week, standing in the front yard of his fake Victorian cottage next to the ‘Sold’ sign. Why reporters converged on the usually placid subdivision just south of Memphis, TN still remains a topic of intense speculation at the local Starbucks, but they came.

Perhaps Whispering Woods resident Dr. Sri Pashavishnuama summed it up best when she said, “People have an appetite for ‘feel good’ stories. Read more News: Upscale Suburban Hillbilly Sells House

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Statusbook Saves Facebookers Time by Forcing “Like” Updates

MISSOULA, MT—A new website has made it even easier for Facebook members to update their status through a rating system that allows members to test their updates before posting them.

Members who are too brain dead from lurking on the pages of ex-girlfriends or watching Youtube videos of raccoons giving hugs can also go to Statusbook to get ideas for status updates, or simply copy and paste updates that have already been rated. Read more Statusbook Saves Facebookers Time by Forcing “Like” Updates

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Federal Workforce May Have Topped 3-Million, or Maybe Not

Washington DC – GlossyNews.com – According to the most recent government data available, Uncle Sam’s civilian workforce may have topped 3 million as of March 1, 2010, says spokeswoman Audrey Slaberman.

“This is a truly remarkable achievement,” says Slaberman, “that over the course of the worst economic downturn in eighty years the federal bureaucracy continued to put on fat just as it did in the previous upturn. Presidents come and go all claiming they will slenderize this insatiable beast but it just grows and grows.” Read more Federal Workforce May Have Topped 3-Million, or Maybe Not

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Hooray For Me, F**k You: Filthy Rich Protest for More Wealth

NEW YORK – Jumping on the protest bandwagon, which began with a carefully orchestrated campaign of coddled working and middle class protesters in Wisconsin and elsewhere fighting to retain their grossly overpaid wages and awesome HMO benefits, the wealthy minority of America’s oppressed upper class are staging a counter protest to keep their inheritances and legally stolen wealth, plus interest. Read more Hooray For Me, F**k You: Filthy Rich Protest for More Wealth

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Nuke Energy Leaders Bravely Sacrifice Everything to Save Radioactive Fuel Rods

WASHINGTON DC – An emergency meeting was convened today between President Obama, top Japanese officials, members of the IAEA, General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt, and several nuclear industry leaders, to discuss ways to save the precious fuel rods from the crippled Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant before it succumbs to the dreaded “Chernobyl Solution.”

Concerned that the fuel rods will be buried forever under a giant mound of concrete, the task force, which is being dubbed Save All Nuclear Energy (or SANE), consulted with a panel of experts to determine the best method for retrieving the coveted radioactive material from the reactor core. Read more Nuke Energy Leaders Bravely Sacrifice Everything to Save Radioactive Fuel Rods

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New Obama Program Pays You to Burn Down Your House

Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Read more New Obama Program Pays You to Burn Down Your House

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Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

Shares of Wonka Foods International, the silent parent company of both Hershey and Nestle, opened sharply lower today as disturbing news reached Wall Street. It appears anti-collective bargaining legislation recently introduced in Wisconsin has spawned a backlash that now threatens the Wonka candy empire. Read more Labor Unrest Hits Candy Tycoon in the Sweet Spot

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AT&T / T-Mobile Merger Already Faces Grassroots Opposition

With the recent announcement that despised telecom giant AT&T would be purchasing T-Mobile for $39 billion came the launch of a grassroots opposition movement dead-set against the transaction. If you have an opinion about the merger, this may be of interest to you.

The site is called www.StopThisMerger.com, and it looks like it is going to cover all the news that you need from now until the merger is completed… or it isn’t. Read more AT&T / T-Mobile Merger Already Faces Grassroots Opposition

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