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Goldman Sachs to Make Money from Young Convicts

Goldman Sachs to Make Money from Young Convicts

Goldman Sachs, the Wall Street investment firm that profited heavily from the world-wide collapse in subprime mortgage bonds, has announced that it will participate in a bold new experiment to apply the principles of greed and the profit motive to the problem of preventing young ex-cons from returning to prison in New York City.

“New York City is continually seeking innovative new ways to tackle the most entrenched problems, and helping young people who land in jail stay out of trouble when they return home is one of the most difficult — and important — challenges we face,” said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime2 Comments

Corporations Broker Historic Repub/Dem Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy

Corporations Broker Historic Repub/Dem Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy

As unlikely as it may seem in the throes of an increasingly vicious national election, U.S. Republicans and Democrats appear to be in agreement on providing a major stimulant to the economy – the elections themselves.

Now that corporations are properly recognized as people and money as free speech, the coffers of both parties are filled to overflowing.

I was having a drink with a corporation the other day, and she explained (Disclosure: I had left my free speech in my other purse, so she paid the bill). “Our new ability to spend as much as we want to buy elections means that this can be a major source of economic activity.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

Yet More CEO Jokes (A Constant Source Of Inspiration)

Yet More CEO Jokes (A Constant Source Of Inspiration)

CEO JOKES 3- WHY DO THEY SEEM TO BE AN ENDLESS SOURCE OF MATERIAL?

What is the difference between a CEO and a vulture?

Vultures fly and at least have the decency to wait until you die to eat you.

Why is it not a good idea to raise your kid to be a CEO?

He might get sidetracked into similar work like robbing kids for lunch money or laundering money for a drug cartel. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News3 Comments

Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms

Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms

Washington D.C. – Today the Supreme Court upheld Corporations’ Second Amendment Rights.

This decision comes in the wake of the much controversial decision, FEC v. Citizens United, where the Court upheld corporations First Amendment rights to free speech by striking down provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act.

In the historic case of Wal-mart v United States, the supreme court extended the same constitutional liberties granted to free citizens of the United States to the mega store chain. the Justices were split in a 5-4 decision. The decision residing on whether or not corporations had the same rights as individuals since they were an assembly of individual citizens, including the second ammendment right to bear arms.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Michael T. Duke, CEO of Wal-mart, said “This is a great day for liberty indeed. No longer does the American public have to be dependent on the United States Military for protection from foreign invasion, now they can get the same protection at a lower price.”

Wal-mart, employing more people than the US Army, has built a reputation of offering consumer goods and services at a cheaper price than any competitor.

Robson Walton, eldest son of the founder Sam Walton, explained “We already have enough firearms and ammunition to arm all of our employees. We also have the food and resources to provide Americans with a more adequate response to natural disasters than the military. We don’t want to replace the Military by any means, we just want to provide people with another option.”

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, stating “Corporations have been treated like second class citizens for far too long. It was our landmark decision in FEC v Citizens United that protected the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States and had raised the question of corporations subservient role in our national context.

It is the opinion of the court that these patriots will be protected. We will no longer fear terror with the additional protection these private citizens will provide, to ensure freedom will be enjoyed by future generations without fear and prejudice.”

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Sotomayor, was the shortest in the court’s history. It simply read “I’m moving to Canada.”

Mass mobilizations have been spotted around Target and K-Mart stores around the nation, Wal-mart citing the necessity for a preemptive strike before the “tyranny of these rouge chains can be contained.” Wal-Mart used grainy satellite imaging, processed at the Wal-Mart Photo Center impressively in under an hour, as evidence. These photos showed Wal-Mart’s competitors attempting to lower their prices in order to gain the capital necessary to arm themselves.

Wal-Mart, following their typical business model, has been purchasing armaments from China. They reported that “the Chinese have provided cheaper munitions, allowing Wal-Mart to provide world class security that a working class family can afford.”

Pentagon senior officials look forward to the relief provided by Americas corporations, going further to say “finally, the private sector is doing something to protect this nation.”

Duke, while cleaning a gold plated .45 caliber handgun asserted that “maybe now corporations will be granted the right to vote, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. Having to pay a politician to make sure your interests are met is such an arduous process, and unconstitutional if you ask me.”

Senate and House Republicans have rallied around the decision, emphasizing the reduced cost for future military conflicts they plan to blame on President Obama.

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest6 Comments

Wall Street Puzzled as Starbucks Expands Into Hospice

Wall Street Puzzled as Starbucks Expands Into Hospice

SEATTLE, WA. At their annual shareholders meeting in Seattle last week, Starbucks Coffee Company made the startling announcement of a new alliance between Starbucks and the Hospice Foundation of America.

Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, told an excited latte-infused crowd of cheering Starbuck’s shareholders that Starbucks will soon be bringing their fine coffee products to those about to make their journey to the great beyond. “The dying are a new and untapped demographic for us,” said Schultz. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News2 Comments

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, World News1 Comment

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media.

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics3 Comments

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

LONDON–The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games.

Other famous names that have come under scrutiny are Nike (the Winged Victory statue will now be called Adidas) and God (who can now only be referred to as The Alpha because of Omega watches). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Sports Events4 Comments

Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon

Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JP MORGAN CHASE CEO JAIME DIMON by Derisive Duck senior business editor.

Derisive Duck: “Mr. Dimon, may I call you Jaime?”

Dimon: “No.”

DD: “Please explain to our readers, Mr. Dimon, how your bank could lose more than four billion dollars, almost overnight?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge

Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge

NEW YORK—Months of anticipation from techies and financial experts came to a close on Sunday as the results of the fourth annual Bloomberg Urban Innovation Challenge were announced. Despite the largest pool of contestants in the history of the competition, the panel of judges, appointed by Mayor Michael Bloomberg, voted unanimously for the winner: Manhattan resident Michael Bloomberg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)

More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)

Why is the nickname for CEO’s ‘Deepwater Horizon’?

Because they leave an oily trail behind them wherever they go. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Wall Street, N.Y. – Joaquin Guzman, leader and CEO of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the largest and one of the most powerful drug cartels in the world, has initiated an IPO (Initial Public Offering) underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman Sachs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime2 Comments

ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy

ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy

COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its network of increasingly obsolete automated teller machines (ATMs). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest1 Comment

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone2 Comments

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House.

The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the White House, using the Washington Monument as collateral. The House reluctantly agreed that mortgaging the White House made a lot of sense. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

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