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Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, World News1 Comment

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media.

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics3 Comments

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

LONDON–The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games.

Other famous names that have come under scrutiny are Nike (the Winged Victory statue will now be called Adidas) and God (who can now only be referred to as The Alpha because of Omega watches). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Sports Events4 Comments

Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon

Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JP MORGAN CHASE CEO JAIME DIMON by Derisive Duck senior business editor.

Derisive Duck: “Mr. Dimon, may I call you Jaime?”

Dimon: “No.”

DD: “Please explain to our readers, Mr. Dimon, how your bank could lose more than four billion dollars, almost overnight?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge

Bloomberg Wins Bloomberg Innovation Challenge

NEW YORK—Months of anticipation from techies and financial experts came to a close on Sunday as the results of the fourth annual Bloomberg Urban Innovation Challenge were announced. Despite the largest pool of contestants in the history of the competition, the panel of judges, appointed by Mayor Michael Bloomberg, voted unanimously for the winner: Manhattan resident Michael Bloomberg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)

More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)

Why is the nickname for CEO’s ‘Deepwater Horizon’?

Because they leave an oily trail behind them wherever they go. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Mexican Drug Cartel Goes Public

Wall Street, N.Y. – Joaquin Guzman, leader and CEO of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the largest and one of the most powerful drug cartels in the world, has initiated an IPO (Initial Public Offering) underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman Sachs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime2 Comments

ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy

ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy

COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its network of increasingly obsolete automated teller machines (ATMs). Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest1 Comment

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone2 Comments

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House.

The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the White House, using the Washington Monument as collateral. The House reluctantly agreed that mortgaging the White House made a lot of sense. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover

Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover

This morning at the crack of midnight Washington State supermarkets like Metropolitan Market in downtown Seattle began selling hard liquor. It took years of struggle, three state-level initiatives and more than $22 million from Costco, but is it worth it? Selection is way down, prices are way up, so who is really coming out the winner? Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Society0 Comments

Charlie Brown-Lucy Reunion Ends Badly

Charlie Brown-Lucy Reunion Ends Badly

Another chapter in the long history of unintended consequences was written this week, as two former child stars found themselves in the no longer adoring media spotlight. By all accounts, things began innocently enough at the Aaron Burr High School reunion for the Class of ’86. It was later in the evening’s festivities that events began to spiral terribly out of control. Continue Reading

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90 Percent of Nation’s Richest 10 Percent Support  “We Are The 99 Percent” Economic Protest

90 Percent of Nation’s Richest 10 Percent Support “We Are The 99 Percent” Economic Protest

NEW YORK – Some of the nation’s wealthiest citizens are expressing their support for the “We Are The 99 Percent” campaign, which has arisen from the economic protests taking place in New York’s Zuccotti Park and in other cities across the country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan Sam. Apparently Kellogg’s is trying to corner the market on both high-fructose breakfast cereals and cartoon toucan characters. Continue Reading

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Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

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Posted in Biz News, Politics3 Comments

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