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Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Job Opening: Got What it Takes to be al Qaeda’s New Number 2?

Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone2 Comments

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location

Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House.

The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the White House, using the Washington Monument as collateral. The House reluctantly agreed that mortgaging the White House made a lot of sense. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights

Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations eager to have their trademarks on U.S. weapons of mass destruction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover

Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover

This morning at the crack of midnight Washington State supermarkets like Metropolitan Market in downtown Seattle began selling hard liquor. It took years of struggle, three state-level initiatives and more than $22 million from Costco, but is it worth it? Selection is way down, prices are way up, so who is really coming out the winner? Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Society0 Comments

Charlie Brown-Lucy Reunion Ends Badly

Charlie Brown-Lucy Reunion Ends Badly

Another chapter in the long history of unintended consequences was written this week, as two former child stars found themselves in the no longer adoring media spotlight. By all accounts, things began innocently enough at the Aaron Burr High School reunion for the Class of ’86. It was later in the evening’s festivities that events began to spiral terribly out of control. Continue Reading

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90 Percent of Nation’s Richest 10 Percent Support  “We Are The 99 Percent” Economic Protest

90 Percent of Nation’s Richest 10 Percent Support “We Are The 99 Percent” Economic Protest

NEW YORK – Some of the nation’s wealthiest citizens are expressing their support for the “We Are The 99 Percent” campaign, which has arisen from the economic protests taking place in New York’s Zuccotti Park and in other cities across the country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

Little Caesars Pizza sues Ancient Rome for brand infringement

BATTLE CREEK, MI – America’s leading cereal manufacturer, Kellogg’s is suing a Californian non-profit organization, the Maya Archeology Initiative, claiming the nonprofit’s use of a toucan in its logo (left) too closely resembles Kellogg’s famous Fruit Loops cereal icon, Toucan Sam. Apparently Kellogg’s is trying to corner the market on both high-fructose breakfast cereals and cartoon toucan characters. Continue Reading

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Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

Invisible Hand Sees its own Shadow, Two More Fiscal Quarters of Economic Downturn

New York, NY– On wall street today, the opening bell signaled one of the institution’s more macabre traditions, releasing the invisible hand, to determine whether it can see its own shadow or not. This tradition dates back to Adam Smith’s initial inception of the Invisible Hand. Ever since Smith coined the term in his work The Theory of Moral Sentiments, economic policy makers have captured the Invisible Hand and subject it to what is known in the meteorological field as “the shadow test.”

Al Roker explains “The [shadow] test is one of the most hallowed scientific institutions of all time. Groundhogs prove to be the most useful in meteorology, but a wide array of shadows can be used to determine a number of different unforeseen outcomes. Unfortunately for Wall Street, the Invisible Hand has seen its shadow quite regularly for the past decade.”

It has been reported that the primary reason for Austan Goolsbee’s inability to properly ascertain rises and falls in the economy, ultimately leading to his resignation, was in most part due to his disbelief in this sacred practice.

“Austan’s a smart guy, but there are some things that just work,” explains Paul Krugman, Nobel Prize-winning Professor of Economics at Princeton University.

“The shadow test lets us build a road map for the year to come. Without it, we would all be pretty much shooting in the dark. How in the hell are we supposed to know what people are going to do with their money? Just the other day I bought a Kindle when I already had a Nook, who does that?”

Economic policy makers in the White House have already been hard at work to limit the effects forecast by the Invisible Hand, but has met stern opposition from Tea Party members. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) has been one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics. Ryan asserts that “Obama can’t possibly think he’s powerful enough to take on the Invisible Hand of Economics. I mean, it has built and destroyed empires. The Invisible Hand will always prevail against socialist tyrants, all hail the Invisible Hand.”

Despite the ominous warnings issued by the 18th century metaphor, Americans seem to be optimistic. A recent Gallup Poll showed that only 3 percent of Americans believed that they believed the hand’s predictions to be true while the other 97 percent responded “invisible what? Is it like a stranger?”

So far, reports have not been confirmed that another shadow test will be administered any time soon. Krugman continued, “This is science, you can’t just try it over again to see if you get different results. That’s not how reproducible observation works. That would be like using a Magic 8 Ball.”

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Posted in Biz News, Politics3 Comments

Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

After 25 years of successful lobbying against warning label reform, Big Tobacco suffered a major defeat this week when the FDA announced that starting in 2012 cigarettes would sport new graphic labels depicting charred lungs and dead bodies warning of the dangers of smoking. The labels would also include written warnings such as “Smoking causes cancer,” “Cigarettes lead to an early death,” and “Using Tobacco products will make you frequently poop.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Amazing New Product, Writer Fiber, Cures Writer’s Block

Amazing New Product, Writer Fiber, Cures Writer’s Block

John Aholi, a writer from Hoboken, New Jersey, has had his fair share of days trying to squeeze out short stories to post on his semi-successful blog “The John.” But now, thanks to a new product called Writer Fiber, the words are flowing on The John with little to no effort at all.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News4 Comments

Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

In a series of speeches the newly announced presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann blasted popular websites such as Google and Wikipedia for causing the slow economic recovery as pawns in President Obama’s grand plan for “turning our country into a nation of slaves.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics1 Comment

Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

The scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World is spreading to Murdoch’s other holdings and some say it could spell doom for his News Corporation empire.

Realizing immediately that his newspaper apology was doing nothing to quell the anger rising exponentially across the globe against himself and his clan, the media mogul decided it was time to bring out the big guns to fight the onslaught of criticism.

Murdoch has reportedly bought 1,000 adorable puppies of some of the cutest breeds around, including English Bulldogs, Yorkshire Terriers, and Shih Tzus, and he has personally taken it upon himself to pass the puppies out at news conferences to his accusers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Books, Newspapers & Misc1 Comment

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health1 Comment

Sexual Predator Accused of Heading International Monetary Fund

Sexual Predator Accused of Heading International Monetary Fund

NEW YORK – Renowned French sexual predator Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in police custody today, charged with running a global loansharking scheme that forced impoverished nations to submit to humiliating and degrading terms as a condition of their borrowing.

Authorities said the loan scheme, known as the International Monetary Fund (IMF), is suspected of having caused devastating social and economic impact to borrower countries under the guise of humanitarian assistance. Continue Reading

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Baptist Minister Performs Exorcism on Stock Market

Baptist Minister Performs Exorcism on Stock Market

New York, NY – GlossyNews.com – “DEMONS OF VOLATILITY, COME OUT!”

So declaimed the Rev. Buster Shillerberg yesterday afternoon on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange. The diminutive Reverend Shillerberg spoke in loud oracular tones that rolled like thunder over a bemused crowd of well-dressed Wall Street types watching from the sidewalk.

“DEMONS OF SELL-OFFS. DEMONS OF SHORT-SELLING. DEMONS OF PUT OPTIONS. DEMONS OF SHEEP-LIKE PANIC OVER GREEK DEBT, OVER THE EURO, OVER THE GULF OIL SPILL… I COMMAND YOU TO COME OUT!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism0 Comments

Top 15 Tips to Surviving Office Life

Top 15 Tips to Surviving Office Life

Everyone knows how stressful an office environment can be. Work can be hard enough without having to deal with co-workers and office equipment. But the hits just keep on coming, and the hours seem longer and longer. The following list contains 15 pointers that will help you survive your days at the office.

TOP 15 OFFICE SURVIVAL TIPS Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

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