Putin Reveals Invincible Nuclear Butt Plug


At his 14th State of the Nation Address, Vladimir Putin unveiled to the world two long range, difficult to detect, and even harder to destroy nuclear butt plugs. The Russian President declared, “this is a tremendous leap forward for the Russian people; now we can continue our rich tradition of leaving no ass un-fucked anywhere in the world.”

When asked by reporters why the Kremlin opted to shift away from the more traditional dick-shaped missiles Putin replied, “short n’ fat’s where it’s at.” While some of have decried the announcement as another example of hyper-nationalist dick rattling, Press Secretary Huckabee-Sanders reminded journalists that, “President Trump is still the biggest dick the US has seen since Andrew Jackson.”

The pronounced projection of hypermasculinity was praised by Russian news outlets as not only reaffirming the primacy of the Russian male, but also for its production value. The state controlled (but still independent and unbiased) Moscowlian even went so far as to say the CGI reproduction of the butt plug could stand toe-to-toe with any NOVA video made before 1998.

While the unveiling of world’s deadliest butt plug was a proof-of-concept for the Puticratic model of government, US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis does not believe the people of the United States have cause to be afraid stating, “nuclear weapons are scary but no missile is invincible enough to withstand the power of thoughts and prayers.”

American leaders have taken to Twitter to comment on the event:

Further reading:

Trump Scores “Tremendous” Deal w/Putin, Gets Full Refund on Alaska

Putin Contends Trump wasn’t Competent Enough to have Colluded with Russia


Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

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