In what may well prove to be the most stupid law to be introduced since their last stupid law caused a public outcry and political brouhaha the EU’s fascist ‘Triple Six’ Department for Total Control has decided – in their infinite wisdom – that in a time wasting bid to curb binge drinking, all boozers will have to get a licence to enjoy their favourite tipple – and could lose it if they overindulge and get right blitzed. Continue Reading

New York, NY – Stocks surged in early trading today on news from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta that the rate of suicide in the United States directly attributable to the foreclosure on victims homes reached an all time high in the first half of 2009.

“This is an encouraging sign for the economy as a whole,” a prominent Wall Street trader told BNSE. Continue Reading

A radical anarchist campaign group dead set against Donald Trump’s £1 zillion golf resort project at Menie in the coastal province of McTwatshire has dressed up statues around Scotland parodying the avaricious American tycoon.

The Menie Liberation Front group said the joke Trump masks, derogatory signs and golf clubs had been added to about 200 statues in Aberdeen, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Stirling. Continue Reading

Washington, DC — In an amazing, some would say astounding, turn of events in the world, the Treasury pie chart has begun to show increases. Not quite enough to erase the decreases that have plagued our country – nay, the world at large – but a definite sign that a turnaround is in the works. Continue Reading

BT’s wholly exaggerated 8 Mb/s broadband service promised to unite the world with super-fast data delivery – but across Britain it seems their web connection speed is markedly slower than a humble carrier pigeon. Continue Reading

French Telecom workers staged protests on Thursday over a wave of a suicides that union leaders blame on the company’s failure to help staff deal with the stress from restructuring (read mass firings, redundancies and lateral – more at descending – promotions).

About 10,000 employees downed pencils and rallied in Paris and 5,000 others gathered outside corporate headquarters in the city of Troyes after a 93-year-old executive stabbed himself in the back forty-seven times with a whiteboard marker after learning that he had been demoted from Vice President (Stationaries) to tea boy. Continue Reading

Chicago – Looking for some peace and quiet to catch up on your reading? Try the bathroom at work. That’s right. Scott Edmunds (Not his real name), an accountant for an unnamed accounting firm in Chicago, recently read the entire Wall Street Journal and the entire NY Times while on the john at work. Continue Reading

A woman whose hair was cut in a Mohican style and dyed incandescent vomit green to raise money for the charity ‘Brain Dead’ was refused entry to Harrods in Shitesbridge because she breached the store’s regulations banning both Cowboys and Indians. Continue Reading

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. Continue Reading

Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay. Continue Reading

Bentonville, Arkansas-Wal-Mart Corporation today announced a series of cost-cutting moves designed to decrease expenses and improve corporate profits. In this latest initiative, Wal-Mart executives announced a plan to replace over 4,500 current employees with lower-paid newcomers. Continue Reading

Glenn Beck is seeing his conventional ad revenues dry up due to his escalation of hate rhetoric, but the redneck community is coming to his aid to help keep him on the air. Continue Reading

Toyota Motor Corp. set themselves apart from American automakers in the 80′s and 90′s by designing quality vehicles absent of planned functional obsolescences. This decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a “gutless crackerbox”, but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones. Continue Reading

Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola. Continue Reading