Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

LONDON – Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA’s Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women’s 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA.

“Those were events that, in an ideal world, we would loved to have won ourselves,” said USOC Chief Executive Officer Stephanie Streeter. “But economically, we had to make a decision. Should we just blow off the weightlifting, diving and archery events for one more year and just go and have a solid outing at swimming. It was truly a no-brainer.”

According to the most recent figures extracted from the official London 2012 medals table, China and The United States boast an equally large medal haul, however, China’s collection of gold medals outnumbered that of The United States by 9 to 4, a fact over which American sports enthusiasts have voiced widespread disapproval.

“This is totally unacceptable,” said table tennis fanatic Michelle Galloway. “For decades, we’ve had to stand by and watch China take medals that quite frankly belong around the necks of American athletes.”

“It’s about time we started producing medals and medalists right here in America, rather than allowing Beijing to continue their Olympic agenda.”

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

2 thoughts on “Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

  1. China pours millions or billions into athlete development. We spend like what nothing? If america had a official program to pay for people to develop in shuffleboard or septathalon or whatever they do at the olympics it woudl finally be a fair fight and wed crush them.

    Let them win. I want cheap ipads.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...