Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years.
The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure was successful, but Woods will be unable to chip them in from green side bunkers for the foreseeable future.
“After attempting to get up for the Masters, I decided, in consultation with Pfizer, to have this procedure done,” Woods said.
“I’d like to express my disappointment to the Augusta Women’s Club that I will not be at the Masters,” Tiger added. “Those twerks are very special to me.”
“This is frustrating, but it’s something my financial advisers suggested me to do, for my immediate and long-term banking health.”
Woods will begin soft-tissue replacement within a week. Healing and recovery times differ for each individual based on many psychological factors, but Woods could begin spanking budgies again in six to eight months.
The goal is for Tiger to resume playing the field sometime next year. The repetitive wallet reaching motion from divorce can cause this injury, and Woods could have sustained further damage if he had continued to pay. But doctors have assured him there may be no long term damage to his longevity.
“It’s tough right now, but I’m absolutely optimistic about the future,” Woods said. “There are a couple of records by Wilt Chamberlain that I hope one day to break. As I’ve said many times, Ron Jeremy and Peter North reached their big gun milestones over an entire career. I plan to have a lot of notches put in mine.”