Categorized | Crime, Sports Scandals

Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin Lloyd on the night of June 17th.

“Mr. Hernandez had a brilliant plan that fooled investigators for months,” said Police Chief, Carl Slowind, who was credited with finding the weapon.

“Everyone was looking for a gun made of a metal alloy, when we should have been looking for a weapon made from a much more deadly material, the breadstick,” added Slowind.

The photo was given to investigators by a Florida kindergarten teacher who said Hernandez gave a classroom presentation back in 2008 on building items with breadsticks, while playing for the Florida Gators. The gun was then located in a kitchen cabinet at Hernandez’s residence in Bristol, Connecticut.

According to a report from the Coroner’s office, when the bullets were removed from Odin Lloyd, they didn’t initially match any on record. It wasn’t until a recent taste test that scientists were able to do a bread-on-bread comparison and further analysis was able to identify similar seasonings confirming the match.

Since the finding, the FBI is now investigating a link between Aaron Hernandez and the Olive Garden restaurant chain, as the breadstick recipe used to make this particular BS-47 was thought to be extinct, but now has evolutionary researchers thinking otherwise.

“The world can only hope and pray that this finding will help to revitalize the breadstick community and hopefully lead us to find more living specimens,” said Executive Research Director, Janet Washington of the National Breadstick Association.

Aaron Hernandez is scheduled to be sentenced on Tuesday morning in Bristol, Connecticut.

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This post was written by

- who has written 38 posts on GlossyNews.com.

In the history of mannkind, there have only been a handful of individuals with the talent to take genuine news and completely warp it into something that will convince an audience to believe the unbelievable. FreeMann is one of those select few. A proud contributor of GlossyNews.com, he has been writing comedy, satire and parody for more than 10 years and is credited with writing the screenplays "Bar Critics," "Breadsterastyx," "Breadsterafish" and "Breadsterastorm." For all of his GlossyNews.com articles and additional work, please visit It's a Cat, Just So You Know, Entertainment at www.itsacatjustsoyouknow.com

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3 Responses to “Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!”

  1. Deep trout says:

    Maybe I haven’t been keeping up on current events but I’m not getting the bread stick thingy I’ve seen in several posts.

    Anyone care to elaborate?

  2. Deep trout says:

    As an FOT (Friend of Canada) I’m shocked and insulted by this post. Doesn’t comedy have boundaries?

    ; )

  3. Deep trout says:

    Oooops…

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