Suspected reptillian and confirmed demon Donald Rumsfeld, the gleeful architect of no fewer than all deaths in the Middle East (2001-2009) permitted the light of day to wash across his face in a rare instance of seeming mortality Wednesday.
“Wait,” garbled Rumsfeld, through a roiling bluster of what reporters charitably assume were the bones of rabbits, chickens, and assorted lost and beloved pets, “I’m not the most evil Donald who has ever strode this forsaken land?”
Secretary Rumsfeld had taken a sabbatical to the underworld to visit family some years back, and thanks to T-Mobile’s coverage plan of “absolute shit” he was unable to keep in contact with the surface.
“What sort of tom-fookery is this?” roared the Rums-beast as fire shot from his loins, presumably due to Chipotle-induced sickness.
Over the following hours, Rumsfeld was briefed on the policies of Donald Trump, as the ground shuttered beneath him.
His displeasure was suspected by reporters on the scene, but there was no definitive confirmation as all who had retained their mortal souls were devoured into the pit of hellfire from which he had spawned.
FOX News and OAN correspondentes, unaffected, paraphrased that “Donald Rumsfeld is pleased and delighted with the direction the country has taken since Trump took office, and is confident that he’ll hasten the end of days, in accordance with prophesy.”
Much, much less on this story as it develops.