Archive | Religionism

Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on

Rush Limbaugh blasts Pope Francis and the Jesus he rode in on

Responding to Pope Francis’s warning that the “idolatry of money” leads to a “new tyranny,” the conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh spoke on behalf of the demonic powers that govern the material world and that only genuine followers of Jesus can detect.

Just seven or eight such followers currently reside in the United States and when they listen to Limbaugh speak on the radio they report hearing “the howling of the damned” in the background. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Religionism0 Comments

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can’t Grow Beard

Orthodox Jewish School Expels 7th Grader Who Can’t Grow Beard

An Orthodox Jewish School in West Florida has expelled a 12-year-old student for not adhering to part of the school’s dress code dealing with grooming. Nathan O’Malley attends Hebrew Jr. High in Pensacola, Florida.

According to reports, O’Malley was asked to leave school on Monday after numerous warnings that he had not conformed to the school’s code on facial hair. According to the school’s disciplinary handbook, all males twelve-years-old or older must grow out their facial hair, or at the very least, some stubble. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say

Pope Francis’s Superficial Christlikeness is Miraculous, Observers Say

Dateline: VATICAN—Experts agree that Pope Francis has made a concerted effort to change people’s impression of the Catholic Church, by adopting a less ostentatious style of public relations, leading non-Christians and Christians alike to be astonished that a Christian in the modern age would dare to be even superficially Christlike.

Instead of staying in the papal apartments in the Apostolic Palace, the pope lives in a guesthouse, he wears simpler vestments than his predecessors, he drives in a 30-year old, nonfortified, used Renault instead of the traditional Popemobile, he carries his own luggage, he meets people from his front door rather than from a balcony, he washed the feet of criminal offenders, and he took the name Francis in honour of the saint who devoted himself to humility and the poor. Continue Reading

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Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational

Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational

Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Continue Reading

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God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month.”

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Breaking – Heofon: A New Non-Secular World On The Horizon?

Breaking – Heofon: A New Non-Secular World On The Horizon?

Topeka, KS, USA—During a special televised press briefing simulcast on FOX news and CBN this past Tuesday, a small group of faith-based engineers and Liberty University geologists, along with biologists working out of Central Christian College, as well as home-schooled technicians associated with the JPL facilities (Jesus Proselytizing Laboratory) in Cawker City, Kansas, announced the launch of an ambitious and mammoth undertaking—a project, which if fully realized will see the birth of a new man-made celestial object in our solar system. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science & Technologizzy3 Comments

An Open Letter to Al Queda and its Branch Affiliates

An Open Letter to Al Queda and its Branch Affiliates

Good day, guys. How is it going? Blow up anything fun today? Shoot your quota of infidels yet? OK, sorry you’re having a bad day.

Just a few questions I wanted to ask you guys. (I am assuming you are all guys. I doubt you’ve opened a female branch.)

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, War Zone2 Comments

Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations

Conservative Group Angered over Leftish Bias of Bible Translations

The Freedom Under a Christian Ruled Society (FUCRS) today announced their outright disgust at bible translations with a blatantly liberal agenda and plans to have the Good Book translated from the New Living Translation to one that meets their political needs, according to a press release.

Artie Ful, spokesperson for FUCRS, explained in an interview that some good Christian men and women have been feeling singled out and persecuted. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Jesus May Appear in Many (exclusively white) Forms (comic)

Jesus May Appear in Many (exclusively white) Forms (comic)

Throughout the new testament, especially after the crucifixion, Jesus appeared to different people in different form. It would be easy to laugh this off as confirmation bias in the face of obviously damning evidence, but Jesus doesn’t believe in damnation as much as salvation.

I’m something of an expert on salvation. It is literally my middle name. I’m not joking. It’s printed on my license. I know what I’m talking about. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Religionism0 Comments

Jesus Forgives (almost) Everything (comic)

Jesus Forgives (almost) Everything (comic)

Did you know your sins can be absolved? Did you know your conviction can be overturned in the afterlife? Even if you’ve been sentenced to 15-consecutive life sentences, once you die, you’re absolved and free. That’s the power of Jesus.

You don’t have to live virtuously, just accept Him as your lord and savior. You can continue shooting smack, smacking your woman, and womanizing your neighborhood children… just so long as you love your Christ, accept him as the one true son of God, and maybe throw a few bucks at the church. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Religionism0 Comments

Don’t Let Jesus’ Death Be for Nothing (comic)

Don’t Let Jesus’ Death Be for Nothing (comic)

We learn from a very young age that Jesus died for our sins, so we can commit them without having to sacrifice animals to our Lord God to earn repentance. Still leaves a few questions, but my question is better.

If we don’t sin, why in the hell would Jesus’ death be worth it? I mean, this is the literal son of God. He died so we can sin without regret. If I don’t sin, I feel like I’ll go to hell just for that. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Religionism0 Comments

Even Atheists May Hear the Voice of Jesus (comic)

Even Atheists May Hear the Voice of Jesus (comic)

We are all able to hear the voice of God. Even atheists may hear His voice, though it may not carry the exact message that the faithful would like to hear.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE CARTOON.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

So surely no true Scotsman would behave like this, but what about the guy that hears the voice of Jesus, God, or the immutable Holy Spirit? For reasons unknown to me, we don’t call those who follow the words of their gods “crazy people” despite the fact that they hear voices in their head. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Religionism1 Comment

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