God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Read more God Admits “Richard Dawkins in Placebo Group”

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The Clear, Undeniable Biblical Case Against Homosexuality (comic)

The Bible is right because it says it is, right? Well it actually doesn’t say that, per se, but it’s still taken as the gospel truth, even by atheists.

We know why Christians believe it, but atheists take it as the gospel truth because they know the gospels are hogwash at best. 15th hand accounts transcribed hundreds of years later, many contradicting, with many more left out entirely. Read more The Clear, Undeniable Biblical Case Against Homosexuality (comic)

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The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?” Read more The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven

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Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God

MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Read more Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God

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Biblical Definition of Marriage Unfortunately Defined (comic)

You know how those who thump the Bible hardest are also those who are the least likely to have actually read it? Well this comic points it all out.

The marriage equality movement isn’t seeking to redefine marriage any more than the past few thousands of years have already done so. Only this time, it actually makes sense.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

I mean, come on, what do you actually lose my allowing loving, committed, same-sex partners to wed? If it’s the “icky factor”, honey, I assure you, they’re already doing it either way. Is it because you feel so strongly about estate/inheritance taxes? Read more Biblical Definition of Marriage Unfortunately Defined (comic)

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Breaking News: Ayatollah Converts to Judaism

TEHRAN – Millions of Iranians have been left dumbfounded after the Ayatollah Khomeini announced his conversion to Judaism.

News agencies in Iran say the Supreme Leader underwent his change of faiths early Wednesday and chose to make an announcement only now with the hopes of cheering up his wife, who has been quite cranky for the last few weeks.

On-scene reporter Frank Douglas noted the shift in religious loyalties could force the United States to give Iran foreign aid, which its economy desperately needs after years of floundering due to sanctions imposed by the West. Read more Breaking News: Ayatollah Converts to Judaism

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God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Read more God Gay

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Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

My kids attend weekly Awana meetings, where they learn about how letting people talk about Jesus can result in candy and prizes.

For the true magic of Jesus, I had to share with them a bit of the practical side.

Everyone has taught my kids about Easter. The zealots and thumper-types gave their take, Walmart runs ads with their take in heavy rotation, and I might have peppered in a few thoughts of my own. Read more Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

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Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

INDIANAPOLIS – According to a study conducted by the United States Census Bureau, the number of Churches located in Indiana is likely to become higher than the state’s total number of Christians by the year 2035.

The findings, which were gathered over the past six months, found that the number of churches – from across all branches of the Christian faith – has increased at a record rate during the past 25 years and is expected to see exponential growth over the next two and half decades. Read more Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

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Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers

Sinead O’Connor has been vindicated. The news of Pope Benedict XVI stepping down as head of the Vatican left a world stunned, but according to reports, Sinead O’Connor didn’t miss a beat.

At a recent concert, she appeared on stage with an 8 x 10 glossy of the last Pope and before uttering a word, silently ripped the photo to shreds. This time the crowd roared in defense of her actions. No longer was the popular Irish singer a villain in the eyes of her fellow Catholics, Read more Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers

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God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy

HEAVEN – Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He has given “next-to-no-thought” as to the boy’s future. Read more God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy

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Prayer Warriors Return From Battle With Hugo Chavez

A group of faithful prayer warriors, armed with nothing more than their bibles and a long history of religious indoctrination, are slowly returning to their normal lives after what they describe as their victory over evil.

They find vindication for their methods in the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez in a battle that spanned 14 years and his four successful elections. Read more Prayer Warriors Return From Battle With Hugo Chavez

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Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

Terror in Italy this morning as hundreds of Catholic priests descend upon the Vatican. Italian Mister of Defense Giampaolo di Paola has imposed a strict curfew and parents are being encouraged to keep their children indoors until the threat has passed.

Authorities are uncertain of the cause of the sudden swarm of holy men but it appears to have something to do with replacing their recently deposed leader. Read more Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

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Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church members will be staying in Topeka, Kansas this Sunday to stage what they are calling their most important protest to date. They are going to be protesting themselves.

A statement issued by Westboro leader, Fred Phelps claims that the congregation is running out of funds to protest funerals across America, and the church is therefore re-thinking their strategy. In addition, he claims they came to the conclusion that “the gay thing” might be hitting a little too close to home, but would not elaborate. Read more Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Read more God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

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