Archive | Religionism

Breaking News: Ayatollah Converts to Judaism

Breaking News: Ayatollah Converts to Judaism

TEHRAN – Millions of Iranians have been left dumbfounded after the Ayatollah Khomeini announced his conversion to Judaism.

News agencies in Iran say the Supreme Leader underwent his change of faiths early Wednesday and chose to make an announcement only now with the hopes of cheering up his wife, who has been quite cranky for the last few weeks.

On-scene reporter Frank Douglas noted the shift in religious loyalties could force the United States to give Iran foreign aid, which its economy desperately needs after years of floundering due to sanctions imposed by the West. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News1 Comment

God Gay

God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Continue Reading

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Immigrants Hesitant, Lukewarm to Christian Traditions (Comic)

Immigrants Hesitant, Lukewarm to Christian Traditions (Comic)

We all know what time of year it is, so without further ado, here’s our holiday installment.

Click image to see it full-size.

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Posted in Comics, Religionism1 Comment

Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

My kids attend weekly Awana meetings, where they learn about how letting people talk about Jesus can result in candy and prizes.

For the true magic of Jesus, I had to share with them a bit of the practical side.

Everyone has taught my kids about Easter. The zealots and thumper-types gave their take, Walmart runs ads with their take in heavy rotation, and I might have peppered in a few thoughts of my own. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Religionism1 Comment

Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

INDIANAPOLIS – According to a study conducted by the United States Census Bureau, the number of Churches located in Indiana is likely to become higher than the state’s total number of Christians by the year 2035.

The findings, which were gathered over the past six months, found that the number of churches – from across all branches of the Christian faith – has increased at a record rate during the past 25 years and is expected to see exponential growth over the next two and half decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism3 Comments

Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers

Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers

Sinead O’Connor has been vindicated. The news of Pope Benedict XVI stepping down as head of the Vatican left a world stunned, but according to reports, Sinead O’Connor didn’t miss a beat.

At a recent concert, she appeared on stage with an 8 x 10 glossy of the last Pope and before uttering a word, silently ripped the photo to shreds. This time the crowd roared in defense of her actions. No longer was the popular Irish singer a villain in the eyes of her fellow Catholics, Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism1 Comment

God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy

God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy

HEAVEN – Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He has given “next-to-no-thought” as to the boy’s future. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Prayer Warriors Return From Battle With Hugo Chavez

Prayer Warriors Return From Battle With Hugo Chavez

A group of faithful prayer warriors, armed with nothing more than their bibles and a long history of religious indoctrination, are slowly returning to their normal lives after what they describe as their victory over evil.

They find vindication for their methods in the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez in a battle that spanned 14 years and his four successful elections. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

Terror in Italy this morning as hundreds of Catholic priests descend upon the Vatican. Italian Mister of Defense Giampaolo di Paola has imposed a strict curfew and parents are being encouraged to keep their children indoors until the threat has passed.

Authorities are uncertain of the cause of the sudden swarm of holy men but it appears to have something to do with replacing their recently deposed leader. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism1 Comment

Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church Plans to Protest Itself

Westboro Baptist Church members will be staying in Topeka, Kansas this Sunday to stage what they are calling their most important protest to date. They are going to be protesting themselves.

A statement issued by Westboro leader, Fred Phelps claims that the congregation is running out of funds to protest funerals across America, and the church is therefore re-thinking their strategy. In addition, he claims they came to the conclusion that “the gay thing” might be hitting a little too close to home, but would not elaborate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism4 Comments

Handicapping the Popes

Handicapping the Popes

Angelo Scola, 71, Milan, Italy
Scola is the archbishop of Milan and has probably the best overall arm in the whole field. Terrific overhand curve, excellent command of his fast ball and a back door slider that drives the scouts crazy. keep your eye on this one. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

A Jewish Guy, a Muslim Guy and God Walk Into a Bar

A Jewish Guy, a Muslim Guy and God Walk Into a Bar

A Jewish guy, a Muslim guy and God walk into a bar… wait a moment… nuts… I can’t remember how that one goes… I’ll have to tell you another one instead:

God is busy at his desk in heaven looking over paperwork when St, Peter comes up to Him.

“Hello, St. Peter. What’s happening?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Jesus Cancels 2nd Coming Because People Have Screwed Up His Birthday

Jesus Cancels 2nd Coming Because People Have Screwed Up His Birthday

The long awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ has been canceled.

Jesus Himself has ordered this.

Coming down incognito to plan for his much anticipated descension to the same world that had rejected him so many millenia ago, He scoped out the scene to ascertain how He would pull it off. He wasn’t happy with what he found. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One

Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One

BETHLEHEM – Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph – the parents of Jesus Christ – have conceded that they will have to merge their only son’s birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ – whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day – always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

Christmas Moved to February

Christmas Moved to February

After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism1 Comment

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