Archive | Religionism

A Jewish Guy, a Muslim Guy and God Walk Into a Bar

A Jewish Guy, a Muslim Guy and God Walk Into a Bar

A Jewish guy, a Muslim guy and God walk into a bar… wait a moment… nuts… I can’t remember how that one goes… I’ll have to tell you another one instead:

God is busy at his desk in heaven looking over paperwork when St, Peter comes up to Him.

“Hello, St. Peter. What’s happening?” Continue Reading

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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Continue Reading

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Jesus Cancels 2nd Coming Because People Have Screwed Up His Birthday

Jesus Cancels 2nd Coming Because People Have Screwed Up His Birthday

The long awaited Second Coming of Jesus Christ has been canceled.

Jesus Himself has ordered this.

Coming down incognito to plan for his much anticipated descension to the same world that had rejected him so many millenia ago, He scoped out the scene to ascertain how He would pull it off. He wasn’t happy with what he found. Continue Reading

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Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One

Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One

BETHLEHEM – Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph – the parents of Jesus Christ – have conceded that they will have to merge their only son’s birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ – whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day – always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year. Continue Reading

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Christmas Moved to February

Christmas Moved to February

After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Continue Reading

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Republicans Religious Epiphany After Election “God Wants Us to be Bi-Partisan!”

Republicans Religious Epiphany After Election “God Wants Us to be Bi-Partisan!”

Republicans have been almost unanimous in quoting that a Divine inspiration has descended upon them. Apparently this heavenly apparition was bestowed upon their golden leader, John Boehner. Mr. Boehner, his eyes glowing with enlightened envisionment, has come forth upon his Republican brethren much like Moses descending Mount Sinai, and he delivered unto to them the vision that was presented to him. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism1 Comment

Fundi Preachers Scream “Liberal East Coasters” Caused Hurricane Sandy

Fundi Preachers Scream “Liberal East Coasters” Caused Hurricane Sandy

GlossyNews.com – Fundamentalist preachers have been crowing about how the fury of hurricane Sandy’s was leveled at the upper East Coast because of its sins and its liberal bias regarding the Presidential election.

“The wages of sin is death” was the essential theme of all their ranting. “When you support Sodomites and Gay marriage this is what you get!” said they as well. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism2 Comments

Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”

Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”

GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Religionism2 Comments

This Election Day: Don’t Vote, Stay Home and Pray

This Election Day: Don’t Vote, Stay Home and Pray

GlossyNews.comMy fellow Christians, there is only one immutable truth on this election day. It’s that God’s will reigns supreme and there’s nothing we can do to change it. So don’t get in your car and drive. No, get down on your knees and pray.

This theme has been on the internet for some years, and I have it on good authority that it was created by a man of faith, and that he did it in the run-up to the 2010 elections, which as you’ll recall, were very positive for the conservative movement. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism2 Comments

Richard Murdock’s Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out Pro Choice

Richard Murdock’s Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out Pro Choice

INDIANAPOLIS – The senate campaign of Indiana’s leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice.

God’s stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to Mr. Mourdock, who insisted during Tuesday’s senatorial debate that “rape pregnancies are God’s will”.

However, The Lord was moved to clarify his position in light of Mourdock’s remarks Tuesday night, taking the opportunity to rebuke the would-be senator. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism9 Comments

God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days

God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days

INDIANAPOLIS – As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism3 Comments

Catholic Church To Endorse Masturbation By Males Only

Catholic Church To Endorse Masturbation By Males Only

The Catholic church is preparing to make a major announcement concerning changes to their view on sexual behavior.

After years of frowning upon, and causing many young Catholics to experience immense guilt, they are now ready to endorse masturbation for their male followers.

It unfortunately still won’t be an option for the females and this is due to the internal discussions that have been held over the last few months related to the change. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism2 Comments

Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions

Hey Mormons, Stop By & Answer a Few Questions

I had a limited understanding of Mormons, those of the Latter Day Saints faith, prior to 2012 when Romney became the Republican nominee… but now that he’s out there front and center, I have some serious questions to ask you guys.

I knew a few Mormons in high school, a few more in college, and a bigger handful since becoming an adult. Here’s what I would say from my experience with Mormons up until that point. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism14 Comments

Catholic Institutions Should NOT be Required to Pay for Birth Control

Catholic Institutions Should NOT be Required to Pay for Birth Control

Thanks to the likes of Sandra Fluke, this debate has reared the back of it’s ugly front-side in the political arena once again.

Many argue that it’s unfair to pay taxes to support birth control measures they don’t personally support, and they’re totally right, but why stop there? Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism7 Comments

God Quietly Blessing Other Nations

God Quietly Blessing Other Nations

HEAVEN – According to celestial insiders and various mythical figures, His Lordship and Creator of All Things, Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States of America.

Even though much of His time – which is widely believed to be infinite in length – is spent blessing the fifty states, it was reported that God has sought to anoint several other countries, with unconfirmed reports that Norway, Latvia and the small island of Tuvalu were recently delivered from evil. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Mayans Were Right? Religious Scholars Say Gay Marriage Sign End Is Near

Mayans Were Right? Religious Scholars Say Gay Marriage Sign End Is Near

Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation earlier this summer that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society1 Comment

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