Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….


Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types.

It’s universally (not to mention confidently!) acknowledged by all the most knowledgeable and expert authorities (i.e. L Ron Hubbard), that tomatoes scream when sliced.

Even so, their brave and witless, um, selfless sacrifice in the name of The Cosmic Good shall not go unnoticed in the Hidden Pages of the Universal Aether.

So what better way to show gratitude and devotion to The Cosmic Hole Whole, than to get your spiritual and sexual partner (preferably both) to act in a sudden burst of spontaneous spiritual and erotic inspiration…

And slice one of your entire…

Um, more moderately, one of your entirely-material-and-terrestrial asscheeks into two humongous, bleeding chunks…

With our (genuinely!) unique Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer?

As I said, this is an advanced spiritual technology which is not recommended to neophytes and the otherwise unenlightened. This highly artistic ritual device is not to be wielded carelessly…

Far less lightly!

Indeed: the Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer is easily open to unreflective and careless abuse by the inexperienced and arrogant, who don’t yet intuitively comprehend the severe spiritual and earthly risks to their own peace of mind and spiritual/material wellbeing they may incur…

By assuming (albeit perfectly understandably, according to their meagre lights), that this is not just a normal-standard-issue-straight-vanilla-layman’s PlugLust sex toy like any other.

It’s not recommended to use this one unless your auditing and fiscal loyalty level is sufficiently high…

Or alternatively, until your libido level reaches the point where you’ve no other choice but to do this shit.

And even if the latter…

Well, Xenu forgives you.

For, he places an infinitely high price, um, value on every single little painful tear you shed…

And every last planet-shattering roar you make.

So if you ever thought:

In space, nobody can hear you scream!

Well, you were wrong.

For, there’s nothing gracious Xenu delights in more than hearing one of his obedient, submissive servants offering up a sweet sacrifice of agony like this!!!

Also, if you thought that in Blurred Lines, Robin, Pharrell and T.I. were merely shooting the solar breeze about “Ima tear dat ass in two, yo!…”

You were wrong.

Yet again.

Yup! If you knew what we knew about the criminal, um, spiritual “convictions” of these
three notable celebrity figures, you’d see (or at least feel!) that this is one cheque their asses
are definitely willing to cash.

I mean, if you’re no longer seeing Robin Thicke swivelling his hips on MTV like a tinpot Aston Merrygold, there are reasons for these things.

But on the plus side, he no longer has to waste money on hot-ass underwear to impress his

Well, seeing as he no longer has an ass of his own to drape them over.

You know, given that merely terrestrial Earth-body suicide is no longer illegal in the UK, it’s incredible to think that these three guys haven’t been persecuted…

For inflicting such infinitely braver and more noble acts of cosmic e-cheek ass-slicing upon themselves.

After all, we are the most misunderstood and persecuted cosmic minority of all time!!!

(Yes, that’s right, “time.” Whether in accordance with the overly simplistic and mainstream “time as 4th dimension” schtick that the ignorant and unenlightened dogmatize about, or in some other vague and mystically recondite sense).

Still, these guys are heroes….

In the most masochistic kind of way you can imagine.

I mean that as sincerely as humanly possible, needless to pronounce.

But then, appealing to mere terrestrial and earthbound homo sapiens is setting one hell of a low bar!

I hope you enjoyed that one.

Well, I sure as hell didn’t. Just wanted to smoke a Scooby, have a few beers, just me and an open laptop monitor. You uneducated true-non-believers from the purely terrestrial and sub-cosmic internet comment-trolling-community are always pestering me for more. Guess I just succumbed to your wiles.

Really can’t help yourselves, can you?!

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!