Categorized | Making Headlines, Religionism

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy

Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community.

Seductive Dianetics Sex Tape

If sex tapes of purely mundanely-terrestrial Homo Sapiens entities just can’t get you off anymore, don’t be tempted to get into weird, perverse, freaky stuff…

Like pounding off to your seductive anthology of vicious Muppet trashcan fights, or trawling the net for more hot-ass iguana orgification videos….

Because for any purely Earthly temptation, there is always a purely market, um, Heavenly solution.

So, just listen to this calming, soothing, Seductive Dianetics Sex Tape. From a purely-terrestrially-sensory perspective, it’s merely a recording of an infinitely precious, entirely indispensable, utterly infallible Scientology classic.

But if you could only hear with the ears of your true self, it’s actually an absolutely bewildering, mind-blowing, extravagantly-masturbatory work of audio desire-enticement/wish-fulfilment/fantasy fiction…

Possessing the power to (in equal measure) astonish, excite, enrage, and provoke irresistible, side-splitting laughter.

(Well, sex and spirituality should be equally fun, right?)

Still, while the tape works on your hidden subconscious (as merely terrestrial and Earthbound science inaccurately calls it), you may find a deeply depressing come-down…

As though you’d given in to the perennial temptation of an all-night wank session.

Yes, they say that sex-tapes are often quite a disappointment, in the long run.

For the naive, careless and spiritually underprepared, they lead to a greatly impoverished quality of life. People lose all sense of perspective, become less than rational, and succumb to emotional disturbances and bad habits that are very difficult to resolve.

Their relationships with others also suffer, and even those who love them the most will despair of the peculiar personality changes they observe in the erratic and whimsical freak they once (albeit very foolishly) trusted and admired more than anyone in the world.

Sex tapes also encourage their pathetic dupes to indulge in extravagant and misleading fantasies; thus being exceptionally poor and meagre substitutes for any meaningful and sensible engagement with reality.

Pretty horrible, huh?

Well, these are the typical consequences of most sex tapes.

So if you understand that, then you’ll obviously know why you want to buy this product.

Huh? You DO understand the difference, right?

That’s it. You finally satisfied? How was it for you?

Guess it was OK-ish, for me; but I’m a bit worn out by now.

Well… told you it was gonna be kinky, didn’t I?

Still, don’t be getting any ideas.

By the way, I’m not going to be writing about this topic for a while.

I could try writing about the Oscar the Grouch/Big Bird sex scandal, but it’s kind of pointless.

I mean, do you really think having a beak like that (which nobody else has) is remotely likely to tempt you into bad ways?

It’s just unthinkable, isn’t it!

Well, I’ll leave you with that comforting image.

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This post was written by

- who has written 481 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Sub-editor of Glossy News
Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! wallacerunnymede@gmail.com
You can buy my satire and poetry ebooks from many online stores, including Amazon.


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