Categorized | Politics, Religionism

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2)

Some would say that The Enemies Of Our Glorious Nation™ are quarrelsome folk.

(Or if not “enemies of America,” at least the enemies of the non-satire news media and of The International Beltway Community).

Still, there is such a thing as honor among thieves; or if not honor among thieves, at least honor among “Recalcitrationists Of The Universal Interest.”

(Could have said “recalcitrants,” but it’s all about sexing-up the rhetoric these days).

Speaking of which, Ayatollah Khameini, (not to be confused with his fashionable and outrageous 80s predecessor, Ayatollah Khomeini), is deeply anxious…

To say nothing of highly frustrated!…

At still being friendzoned by the Russian strongman, bear-wrestler, and rugged soldier type, Vladimir Putin.

Yes; Khameini has been left out in the closet cold, while Putin sits around in his…

Um, office, doing his usual “I’m-the-boss-so-I’ll-lounge-around-in-my-office-in-my-underwear-as-I-damn-well-please” kinda thing.

So, while Khameini is left to look like a lonely jerk, Putin radiates a glow of radiant activity…

Or at least a post-radiant-activity-glow.

Well, maybe this has something to do with his nuclear sushi and enhanced salty fish treats?

No, that’s just a conspiracy theory for clever dicks, maybe…

Or at least, for grumpy, lame-ass jerks, and plain ol’ vanilla grindin’, wide-eyed-crazy tossers.

So… while Khameini is left to wield his stern iron sceptre in joyless isolation, Putin gets to get his leg up put his feet up…

As he surfs “notable erotic cinema” on the internet and flirts with his gorgeous young interns.

Our sources could not confirm the gender of these fairly green (and blonde), but already pretty pretty-knowledgeable-and-experienced guys, who are assisting Putin with his contentious and (once more) screamingly outrageous territorial claims.

After all, our sources did not want to be sent to the frosty showers of Siberia within about 15 minutes (plus a fairly intense extra second or two).

I mean, it’s not even Friday yet!

But they still have but one burning desire still left them in this world…

And we’re not talking about making an epic pilgrimage to a heavenly place, or making a billion Roubles as greasy tinpot oil-botherers.

It’s been pretty hard on “difficult for” the disillusioned, drippy, and wet-eyed Khameini, who is “literally” pissing salt about this. “I’m ACTUALLY a really, REALLY nice guy!” he moans and murmurs, as he passionately gushes on my throat neck.

(Ooo, controversial!)

OHHH, you see, um, observe, all these selfish, self-isolationist assholes; you know, Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kim (you know, the one with the nice exotic ass and sexy family), Angela Merkel…

Oh wait, she’s a woman, how the f*** can a bitch, sorry, a decadent Western pro-choice breeder, be Supreme Leader?

Well, no wonder they’ve gone to the dogs in that stupid country of lame-ass arseholes…

Well, if you don’t have a good, pious man of God governing a country, is it any wonder German leather ‘n’ lemoncurd porn is renowned for being the most perverse and disgusting in the world?

At least, that’s what I found out on the internet… sorry I mean, um, Fiqhipedia…

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind getting, um, BEING, down with THEM!

Like, why should these violent, arrogant bastards be the ones to throw the first stone?

I mean, I swear by all that’s fat, um, phat and holy, I’m not going to bend over… um, bend to this shit!

Huh? Come again?

Well, anyway (and how!) that’s him told. Suck on that one, Vlad!

Still… get together with us next time. Find out what Khameini is really aching for… and it’s not an unanticipated explosion of mass destruction in his backyard.

(Or so he claims).

Well, who’s to know? You’re going to have to wait a bit, aren’t you? You may be craving aching for answers… still, ain’t all gonna come at once, right?

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This post was written by

- who has written 313 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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