Categorized | Politics, Religionism

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2)

Unlike Khomeini-ite Fiqh, TULIP-flavor Calvinism, and other scientific and empirically rigorous political discourses, “nice guy” and “friendzoning” are ideological aberrations that are completely detached from reality.

Still, that didn’t stop Khameini giving it to us one last time:

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind THEM!

So let me hit you up with the following. No NSA required. Well, at least not THAT kind of NSA… 😉

I mean, I’m fully entitled to get my fair share! Putin has so many rich, gushy mineral resources to offer me and my bros in Iran, or at least my co-clerics…

I mean, vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, zinc…

But he’s just monopolizing his precious affective economy, and letting the US and other dickheads and assholes plunge their greedy fists in, and go sneakily mining in his own backyard when he hopes everyone else, um, thinks no-one else is looking.

I mean, I always dreamed we would just run in a direct and rugged line from oil exploration to oil exploitation; but my instinct tells me this cheeky bugger from my noble band of brothers is bumming out on me yet again.

Like, we rejected our restrictive and uptight pedagogues from the West side of the street, and taught each other the fine and delicate ritual dance of mutual engagement.

Yes, the dance of politics; well, every kind of politics, and not just the party-political kind!

Yeah, I mean including sexual politics, um, I mean, clerical politics, too!

Always guaranteeing each other a robust response, and swearing that for every outrageous stimulation, um, unbearable provocation, we would always hit back ten times harder.

And longer…

Um, lengthier.

But after freely and dynamically trading weapons of war according to the given, object-centred, pressing constraints and occasional opportunities, Putin is being a bit stiff-necked, inflexible, and Goddamn flaming rigid…

Yes, he’s going to finally pull out and leave me high and dry!

Owch! Our special relationship has been finally interrupted by other concerns… or at least anxieties. The power of Putin has suddenly been withdrawn…

And it’s left one hell of a mess over my most sacred of territories!

Well, I don’t think this is what true love and comradeship is about! You know, there was a time when Russia and Iran were practically indistinguishable; I just couldn’t tell where my territory ended and his began.

It was as though all the joy, pleasure and wealth endlessly streaming towards Creation’s End was firmly and reassuringly condensed and crammed into one little tiny space…

And then there was just this rich vital, organic nuclear explosion which tore down every indifferent, separating boundary; and made what was once two, to be one. As though we could just twist and lie…

And joke, and whisper, and forget we had ever been two separate entities.

And now what? He’s forgotten his one true love, just like the Jews. “For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”

Well, even the shitty Zionist People of the Book™ forgot to censor THAT one when they concocted their fake bullshit version of the original King James Bible!

Oh, it’s just too much to carry, um, bear! If we can’t find some way of sneaking back into his affections, even by the back door and by whatever seductive and underhand means we can cook up, then we might as well just throw in the f***ing funky towel right now!

Oh, yes, please do pass me some tissues darling; I know you know exactly what I’m talking about ;(

Yes, my love; I’m fervently dreaming of a climbdown, and that Putin will reach around, um, out, and will finally come… um, come again… uh, come round again. OOF!

Yeah, like, then we can strain all our material and spiritual energies towards reopening our normal channels of interaction…

And just in a flash, I mean at the mere drop of a robe, we can send a steady stream of enriching resources and charitable assistance, relief, and comfort to wherever it is needed and desired most.

OHHH, Mr Putin, would you please just break down my wall…

Or at least, could you please find it in your heart to just loosen it up a tiny-little-itty-bitty-teeny-weeny-orange-polka-dot-burqini-smearingsmidgen?

Well, as the Iron Lady once said: “You may be a ‘wet,’ but I am one hell of a dry!”

Oh, please hardly, um, concretely display some faith, um, loyalty towards to our holy alliance and my sticky situation; otherwise me and my comrades might end up just getting cooked in our own juices!

Show some damn flexibility, be more malleable pliable, and show a more congenial sense of timing!

I’m fairly flexible, resilient, and up for a bit of give and take, but there’s just only so much the spheres of influence of a faltering axis can take before they just prolapse, um, collapse, and our last boundaries of cushioning protection give way…

And the scary-ass disaster I’ve been anticipating comes all at once and just leaves us in BLOODY TATTERS!

Vladimir Putin was not perversely precisely jumping through hoops, appearing unexcited from head to foot by the overly passionate sub-MRA rant that his former serious business ally and flamboyant co-benefactor was squirting spewing out.

As my spiritual (not to say fleshly) brother Tchaikovsky have eloquently and handsomely been declaiming: ‘Truly I should be having the reason for to go demented should it not be for a correct kind of the music.’

So, if my Komrad Khameini does not suddenly like the flavor of what is issuing from the Kremlin, then perhaps he is more handier to dance to his own tune instead.

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One Response to “Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2)”

  1. SavoyT says:

    I don’t speak the Queen’s English but I do believe that is naughty dialog.

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