Categorized | Making Headlines, Religionism

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family.

Didn’t you know that Scientological sex toys are the latest in a long line of erotic spirituality crazes that are going to eventually destroy Our Glorious Nation in one final, hideous, bacchanalian orgy of Cosmo-Dharmic debauchery?

So… have a read, if you must. But don’t get any stupid ideas!

Magic E-Meter Jock Strap

The Magic E-Meter Jock Strap is an excellent device for those who selfishly overemphasize the purely fleshly, this-worldly, geocentric aspect of sex, and have difficulty reflecting on higher (ha!) things…

Even when they’re merely chugging along in a routinely-sober, solemnly-pedestrian session of good-old-fashioned-straight-vanilla-marital-duties™.

So, whether you’re merely chugging along nicely on your favourite peak-time V-train, or exerting and unfolding to the fullest your innate spiritual capacities for a much sterner divine mission…

Well, you will want this device saving your ass (or indeed any other mildly erotically stimulable part of your fleshly/spiritual Cosmic-Immanence-Body), from any misleading, deluding, distracting, purely-earth-bound-and-terrestrial sensations.

Magic Non-Mormon Dick-Amulet-Bearing G-String

Sorry… on account of the notoriously litigious character of the LDS Church (who are not exactly renowned for their sense of humour), we can’t tell you about this Magic Non-Mormon Dick-Amulet-Bearing G-String.

However, if you are already at a sufficiently high auditing level, we can begin to talk about this one.

It’s going to take a huge injection, um, investment of time, though, to understand the deep spiritual profundity of this one.

Well, time and whatever else is required. 😉

Almost there, don’t quit just yet…

Oh… shit! I just finished too soon! I just hate it when that happens. Really dropped the ball that time.

Still… join us next time, and I promise I’ll do it better, if you promise to quit laughing about how I’m not perfect at this.

I mean, if all you rowdy satire-reading wiseacres don’t like how I do my work, then why don’t you try taking charge yourself, and show me how to do it better!

Anyway, there are plenty of other people who can clearly do this in a manner that suits your high standards and expectations.

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This post was written by

- who has written 357 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Conspirator-in-Chief of the Peace Criminals Project: Neocon Surveillance& Satirical-Industrial Complex! Also published on a range of satire sites. Currently co-editing Glossy News (under the webmaster, Brian K. White). Contact me to pitch or submit your satire! David Cameron says I am a #TerroristSympathizer. Islamists say I am an #Islamophobe. New Atheists think I am a #CravenApologistForPrimitiveBronzeAgeSuperstitions. MRAs & Alt-Right think I'm a #MatriarchalCuck. Others say I'm a #StraightMiddleClassWhiteBoy. And still more think I'm a #FuckingPleb. Just another edgy day at the Satirist's office! I am the Mayor of the Zero Fucks Community ;) @w_runnymede (Twitter) wallacerunnymede@gmail.com

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