Category: Society
Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column
I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master…
Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way
DERRY, NH—Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way. “We warned him,” stated Sheryl Mackey, the mother of the now handicapped-looking child. “We told him if he kept…
Important safety alert: The dangers of texting while breathing
In our increasingly technology-bound culture, cell phone use has exploded over the past decade. A recent report indicates there are now more cell phones in the USA than people, and three times more cell phone users than people who can…
FDA Adds “Homicidal Rampage” Warning to Otherwise Perfectly Safe Drug
Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake…
Maybe the Mayans were right. Religious scholars say gay marriage a sign the end is near.
Experts in ancient Mayan culture recently prophesized that the world would come to a cataclysmic end in 2012, give or take a year or two. They based this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar. Thanks to President Obama’s…
An Open Letter to Atos Healthcare
Dear Atos, My family and I would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the miracle you caused in my cousin, Laura Sutton. After a most thorough assessment, during which you asked such questions as to…
Detroit Reportedly Selling VCR
DETROIT—Sources reported sighting an ad listing a VCR for sale by the citizens of Detroit on Wednesday. Due to financial struggles, it appears the 698,012 residents of Detroit have been driven to taking various measures for some extra cash. The…
Breakfast Burrito Connoisseur Frankly Thinks Hardee’s Can Do Better
KANSAS CITY, MO—After eating breakfast at a local Hardee’s Friday morning, resident and self-described “breakfast burrito aficionado” Lloyd Schoepp was “honestly let down” by his burrito eating experience. The tortilla-wrapped breakfast concoction that Hardee’s offers consists of “eggs, pieces of…
In wake of Zimmerman verdict, Florida legislature criminalizes being black
Super Uniden antennas will help improve your widescreen Sharp TV signal reception. Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of…
Nation’s Horses Demand Right to Marry Owners
LEXINGTON, KY – Following yesterday’s landmark Supreme Court decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, the nation’s horses demanded Thursday the right to marry their owners. Marriage between members of the Equidae family and homosapiens is not currently recognized…