In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce cancellations, at least in the short term.

Investment giant Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s Gordon Gekko summed up the challenges ahead for the cruise lines. Continue Reading

A ban on all depilatory creams in America has aging women scrambling to find alternatives for getting rid of unsightly hair on their chins and necks.

Pharmacies are finding it hard to keep tweezers and magnified mirrors in stock.

“It’s been a madhouse ever since Tuesday when the ban on depilatory creams was announced by the FDA,” said Mildred Thompkins (pictured above), assistant pharmacy director at a local drug store. Continue Reading

California’s Mammoth Mountain has long been regarded as superior to Colorado’s Snowmass ski resort. Smug shrugs turned to doubtful whispers this week on news Snowmass now has a huge ‘but’ to add to the friendly rivalry.

Snowmass has a REAL mammoth, and a mastodon, and a couple prehistoric bison, and a ground sloth the size of an opera singer, and I am not making this up. During recent efforts to enlarge Zeigler reservoir, the crew unearthed a huge bone. Then another. Then a lot. And they weren’t no chicken bones. Scientists now speculate the site was once the compound of some Pleistocene doomsday cult for large furry animals.

The Denver Museum has enthusiastically proclaimed it the holy grail of U.S. paleontology finds. Over 5,000 bones and fragments were found. The find is so big researchers had to call in extras to help excavate, and the whole damned place looked like an Indiana Jones movie set. Now the excited scientists are busy putting the pieces together like grannies with a naked George Clooney jigsaw puzzle at the retirement home.

The tally so far is four Columbian mammoths, parts of thirty (!) mastodons, four prehistoric deer, four Ice Age bison and a giant ground sloth. Reservoir expansion has been put on hold, and money has been earmarked for a museum to house the skeletons. The museum is expected to draw flocks of tourists for reasons other than skiing, hiking, carousing and generally annoying the locals. As if Aspen ever had a shortfall of tourists.

Tourism experts predict trouble from California’s Mammoth Mountain. The Golden State attraction now has zilch, namesake wise. A couple bears maybe, but no cool prehistoric fuzzy behemoths.

This could lead to some momentous difficulties. What if Snowmass wants Mammoth’s name? One would have to admit, it does seem more appropriate for them. Mammoth hasn’t even come up with one real mammoth yet. Unless you count that big statue across from the main ski lodge.

Sources close to Michael Douglas and his incredibly smokin’ hot wife say moves are already underway to strip Mammoth Mountain of its moniker. The coalition includes Jack Nicholson, Steve Martin, and that girl who used to date Joe Walsh. Experts say they are richer, they have more political pull, and they feel like it.

Mammoth Mountain is expected to be forced to take Snowmass as its future name. Big whoopee. After last year’s 700 inch snow dump it would have been appropriate, but not this year’s dismal minute flurries. ‘Snowmass’ somehow lacks the power and majesty of ‘Mammoth’ has. Then again, maybe if they dug around a bit they could find their own mammoth and legitimately regain the title. Or maybe find a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Wouldn’t it be too cool to have a ski resort named T-Rex?

In this politically charged election year, the controversy has entered the GOP primary race dialogue. Candidate Santorum today released a statement linking the extinction of ‘Dinosaur-Mammoths’ to Pleistocene Planned Parenthood clinics.

LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29^th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Continue Reading

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” Continue Reading

BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.

The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore. Continue Reading

Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on the copyright claim of running ‘The Biggest Circus In The World’. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus on the circuit, is now upset that the two Presidential Parties are now cutting into their business.

“Our clowns are at least professional!” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus, as I held the mike down so he could speak up into it. “When we get laughs it is because we intend to. And we don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look normal.” Continue Reading

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Continue Reading

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Continue Reading

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the staple of grade school students. The standby for financially-strapped college students. The sign that a husband has done something wrong when he opens the brown-bagged lunch his wife made him that morning.

It’s also the focus of David Valin’s research for the past 4 years, which he’ll finally unveil in a new book called The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, and What’s Usually Between It. Continue Reading

The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:

MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.

Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. Continue Reading

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Continue Reading

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today that he is “as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” over the overwhelming positive response his humor blog is receiving – almost exclusively from internet spammers. Continue Reading

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively dubbed “geniuses.”

At this point it is not clear whether the geniuses were engineered by a diabolical Frankenstein somewhere, or if perhaps, they just sprang up from the depths of chaos theory. Continue Reading

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.” Continue Reading

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Continue Reading