Author: Wes Janson
Community Stages Effort To Stop Alcoholic Tool & Die Maker From Exploring Vegan Lifestyle
Grant County, Wisconsin. Despite pleas from family and local community members who were tremendously concerned about his mental, emotional, and physical well-being, Craig Lane, 44, made the hard-core decision last Sunday to put an immediate end to his daily consumption of…
‘Throwing Calculus Textbook At Doppelganger Not Best Decision,’ Says Frustrated Undergraduate Attending Summer Session
Central Iowa. 20-year-old Roger Lansky, an undergraduate student currently attending Summer Session at Loran University, confessed last week that his act of throwing a 458-page Calculus textbook at a doppelganger hiding in the wall behind him may not have been…
College Graduate With Education Degree Can’t Wait To Be Overwhelmed By Horrible Students, ‘Impossible-To-Satisfy’ Parents, And Corrupt Administrators Next Fall
La Crosse, Wisconsin. Having recently completed an intensely strenuous amount of coursework that thoroughly burned him out and almost deprived him of his will to keep living, Jeremy Mathews, 24, confessed at his graduation party in late June that he…
Evangelical Lutheran Pastor Accidentally Performs Successful Exorcism Without Roman Rituals
Davenport, Iowa. Sources recently confirmed that 47-year-old Evangelical Lutheran Pastor Bob Smith performed a flawless exorcism last Thursday despite having no copy of the Roman Rituals or anything else in the long Catholic tradition of expelling demons. Initially terrified and…
7th Grade Essay Contest Winner Informed He Should Start Making Better Choices In The Future
Cedar Falls, Iowa. After writing a purely outstanding essay creatively describing what he would do if he ever found a time machine, 13-year-old Kyle Lane was warned by teachers, administrators, and his parents that his natural love for writing will…
Local Resident Finally Calls End To Exhausting And Time-Consuming “Self-Improvement” Journey And Happily Accepts Being The Mediocre Piece-of-Shit He Was Always Meant To Be
Janesville, Wisconsin. After enduring a long, arduous, and heavily exhausting “self-improvement” journey that involved reading books, trying to learn new things, and awkwardly experimenting with hobbies that left him feeling highly fatigued and ultimately unfulfilled, Craig Gerald, 37, happily confessed…
Extremely Intelligent High School Principal Calmly Assures Locals That American Education System Is Not Centrally Focused On Sports
La Crosse, Wisconsin. In response to growing concerns from local community members that the United States Education System may actually be more focused on sports rather than the intellectual growth and development of young students preparing for university life, Loran…
Alumni Association Prepares To Celebrate 100 Years Of Shameless Donation Seeking This Spring
Central Iowa. The Clarkview University Alumni Association (CUAA) announced last Thursday that it plans to celebrate its 100th Anniversary this spring while hosting numerous exciting reunion festivities. Graduates and their families are cordially invited to return in April to visit…
Nation’s Readers Devastated By Early Retirement Of ‘Long-Time Favorite’ Technical Writer
Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Any wise individual will humbly acknowledge that the best and most inspirational stories, unfortunately, have endings, and disheartening as it may be, even the world’s greatest authors inevitably write their final words. Nothing, however, could have prepared avid…
New Muscle Building Supplement Tested And Found To Be Huge Success
Sources confirmed Thursday that a new muscle-building supplement (simply called BarBarik) was recently tested and found to be a huge success. Containing massive amounts of vitamins, minerals, calcium, boron, and various other “unknown ingredients,” the pill was given to stressed-out, insecure, angry, and…