Troubling Karen Variant Threatens NYC Metro Area and Beyond This Winter

A highly transmissible new variant of Karen has been detected, originating in Manhattan’s Upper West Side in late 2021 and now spreading to upscale neighborhoods in Brooklyn and far beyond in the New Year. Genomic sequencing of positive Covid-19 test results indicates that these Kariants are the result of Karen DNA combined with a unique spike pea protein, leading to a worrisome mutant strain of super-Karen with severe consequences for the entire nation in 2022.

Lab testing already confirms the presence of the highly contagious Kariants in surrounding high-income suburbs of New York City including Short Hills, NJ and parts of Westchester, Long Island, and coastal Connecticut, with the spread expected to rapidly escalate in the most Karen-vulnerable regions of the country in the coming weeks. Current booster shots do not appear to be protective according to the CDC, and both men and women are contracting the virus at record speed. While children under 12 years of age appear to be immune, scientists speculate that exclusive boarding schools may succumb to the variant as students return to classrooms following exposure to high parental viral loads during winter breaks. Housepets such as maltipoos and teacup pomeranians are also being studied by researchers due to similar concerns.

The first known case was reported January 2nd in the caper aisle at the gourmet grocer Zabar’s, where a Karen was breaking quarantine for an emergency post-holiday shopping spree. Supply chain shortages led to speaking to the manager, and a pashmina scarf did little to prevent the spread. 

“We knew it was just a matter of time before Kariants took off in our district,” said a local City Councilmember. “From the moment we learned of Zabar’s patient zero, we’ve been encouraging those at elevated risk, such as Whole Foods and Lululemon managers, to wear N95’s when directly approached by a Karen, but this was an inevitable outcome.”

Signs of community spread are now rampant, according to public health officials. One particularly virulent Kariant was traced hoarding home test kits at a local CVS, cutting the line at a PCR testing tent, and demanding access to monoclonal antibodies after a spin class, all within the span of a few hours. 

“What we want to avoid at all costs is a public health crisis in which the mutation moves beyond the tri-state area to at-risk regions such as Vail Colorado and Palm Beach County Florida. Custom ski boot fitters, collagen stimulating spa aestheticians…these are the frontliners facing daily occupational exposure to Karens,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci. Epidemiological models depict a dire worst-case scenario of an eventual spread to customer service desks at every West Elm, or even Target, in the nation.

As Kariants typically cough vigorously and insist “it’s just asthma” while removing their masks, the public has been warned to use extreme caution in their presence. Visit www.nychealth/ for the latest updates and more information.

In NYC, Kariants have been detected hosting in-home catered events in which the “help” are rigorously screened for Covid-19, while the guests arrive untested and maskless after globe-trotting holiday jaunts to Cabo, Lake Como and The Seychelles. One such superspreader event in a Central Park West co-op building has led healthcare workers to gird for the worst, with local hospitals increasing their gluten free, organic, and keto options to prepare for a Karen onslaught.

“Our staff are exhausted and stretched thin, but the best way to ready our kitchens is to ensure the salmon is wild and the matcha is plentiful,” explained the director of food services at NYU Medical Center, which is anticipating a surge of inpatients in the coming weeks. Preparations for wine cellars in all major New York City hospitals are likely to be mandated by the Governor, with the National Guard cross-training due to shortages. 

“After working on tornado recovery in rural Iowa, my unit was then dispatched to Scarsdale for rapid-response ISI (Intensive Sommelier Instruction), where I’ve been on an emergency crash course studying viticulture, oenology, and food pairing” reports Corporal Devon Reynolds of Buffalo, NY. “It means a lot to be able to serve, and especially to serve Merlot, in a time of crisis.” 

Author: Gabe Fenigsohn

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