Abortion Law Helps Texas Women Lose Weight, Become Entrepreneurs

The new Texas law restricting abortion once a heartbeat is detected on ultrasound, at approximately six weeks when most women don’t yet know they are pregnant (and when there is no actual heart yet, just electrical pulsing) has generated a Catch 22 since the time frame between suspecting a pregnancy and confirming it on ultrasound before a heartbeat is detected, is too short to assure compliance, effectively ruling out all abortions.  

That situation has provided an incentive for Texas women to get ahead of the curve.    

Instead of wasting time in the morning snuggling, brushing their teeth, and enjoying a muffin and coffee after a night of hot sex, they are cutting to the chase and heading out en masse to former abortion clinics.  

The fact that there are no longer any abortion clinics open has not stopped Texas women who are known for their grit. They simply gather together in front of the shuttered clinics, now repurposed as eucharist administration sites, in prayer circles with the unspoken intention of re-routing any sperm headed their way while chanting, “My egg has other plans.”  

The exercise that has them running from marital bed to clinic after each sexual encounter, which Texas women are known to have a lot of, has also had the unintended effect of helping them to lose weight. 

To seal the deal, however, former abortion clinic personnel who have recently obtained ministerial certificates, administer “savory” wafers followed by a shot of whiskey, which gives women the gumption afterward to swing by their doctor’s office for a quick ultrasound check which, by that point displays only a beautiful winter scene in Siberia.

Two Houston women, however, realizing that the lack of ultrasound machines in the average Texas home was adding precious days to an already unrealistic abortion timeline, have come to the rescue with their design and production of the first personalized ultrasound machine, available in a range of colors. It is expected to eliminate a week and possibly two, from the tight abortion schedule.  

When not in use, the machine can augment the home’s sound system, giving it that “ultra” effect.

Unfortunately, some marginalized White, Black, Brown and Indigenous women, many of whom have chronic health conditions that put them and their unborn babies at higher- than-average risk of minor problems such as complications and death during pregnancy and childbirth, were not so fortunate to be able to join in clinic prayer circles or to afford ultrasound machines, given health crises and excessive demands of jobs and child care.

Nevertheless, one woman speaking on behalf of herself and others in her housing project, signaled a clear note of optimism. Newly pregnant Dallas resident Susan, who asked that her last name not be used, said, “I am thrilled to be forced into motherhood! It’s exciting having no agency over my own body. It’s a whole new territory! I have a much deeper appreciation of slavery. Thanks, Texas!” to which her enthusiastic pregnant neighbors added their collective thumbs-up.   

By the time of filing this story, the personalized ultrasound machine, complete with its “how-to” YouTube video, had become the hottest-selling holiday gift item in Texas.

When asked to comment on this report, a representative from the state legislature who asked to remain anonymous, said, “On second thought, six weeks is really generous and leaves room for loopholes. We’re considering moving to five, maybe four. There are a lot of Texas women who could stand to lose a few more pounds.”  

Author: Barbara Elisse Najar

Barbara Elisse Najar is a freelance writer who specializes in articles, essays, poetry and occasional satire. Her work has been published in The Washington Post, medical journals and a literary magazine. She has a masters' degree in public health from the University of Minnesota and had a long career in public health. She was an abortion volunteer counselor with the Washington, DC Area Women's Center Abortion Collective in the mid-1970s shortly after Roe became law. Their collective also produced the first guide to DC area abortion clinics. She is passionate about women's reproductive issues among other concerns of social justice and has unending fun finding the absurd among the serious

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