El Gaucho Tacoma… don’t bother, they don’t want you

If you want a steak for $75 there’s no shortage of places you can go. Pacific Grill is across the street and grills them up nicely, and Anthony’s is down a few blocks by the water. At least at those places you won’t be dick-accosted by the manager.

We’ve gone to El Gaucho for years. Enough times the waitress recognized us when we were seated, though in fairness, a party of six as peculiar as ours is pretty easy to remember.

We go to the Seattle location, but the Tacoma location is quieter and we’re typically seated right by the grill, so the kids can watch them do the cooking to stay entertained instead of relying on their phones.

This is the sort of place where you can get a killer rib-eye for $70 or so, and I don’t mean that sarcastically. It’s the tastiest, tenderest cut of meat this side of… well, in Tacoma. You can get steaks every bit as good in Seattle or Bellevue at any of the finer places, but Tacoma’s offerings are a bit less diverse.

So here’s my advice. If you want a KILLER steak, and you’re in Tacoma, drive to another city.

These ass-clowns don’t apparently want or need your business. I mean, everything but the bar is always empty when I go in, but I typically go in on week days, so maybe that’s a bit of selection bias.

The bar menu is what I can only describe as “cheap and awesome”, though that’s a bit misleading. It’s not cheap, but for how awesome it is, it sure as hell feels like it. The burgers will melt your mind and the Diablo Steak will make you reconsider everything you once held dear. The food is simply amazing. No, it’s something a tad beyond that, typically, though the lobster Mac & Cheese is underwhelming.

The restaurant menus is about as good, but five times the price. The steaks are amazing, the appetizers (however pricey) are worth every penny and then some… the service is prompt and unfailingly courteous, but the management is… what’s the best way to say this. A bit stuck up.

When I launched my business I vowed I’d never wear another suit unless I was at a wedding or a funeral. I’ve been to too many to count since then, and I’ve never worn a suit. No one took issue with it.

For those who know me or follow my film work, you know I can’t shave between shoots. This is how directors make a blank canvas.

Maybe I wasn’t well dressed enough, maybe I was too scruffy, or maybe none of that matters and the manager is just a short-sighted dick who needs to lose his job. I was indeed scruffy, but in the past my money spent like anyone else’s.

Instead of our usual $300-400 tab, we got out the door at $124. Nobody asked “how was everything?” or “was everything good?” but instead ushered us quickly to the door.

Yep… message loud and clear. I’m not your kind of customer and my money DOES NOT spend like everyone else’s.

So if you’re a pretentious DINK with no food allergies, this is the place for you. But if you want to come in with a much bigger party, yeah, pick another place, because even though the wait staff is great, the management does not want you there, and they’ll make damn sure you know it.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.