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Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe was uttered on June 17, but after seven days and several subsequent apologies for apologies, Barton’s comments continue to sour public opinion, further jeopardizing the Republican Party’s chances to capture additional seats in Congress this November. And today, fellow Republican Joe Scarborough dragged the incident right back into the limelight. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Politics1 Comment

FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact

FEMA Releases Prep Guide for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — The thought of an approaching meteor the size of Manhattan is certain to cause anyone a fair amount of anxiety.  However, you can provide some level of comfort to your family by attempting to prepare for this once-in-a-billion-years event. 

Small objects are constantly colliding with the earth every day, and most go unnoticed.  Large meteors however will very rarely cross Earth’s orbit but one can never be too prepared for the “Big One”. 

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released simple recommendations that will guide you in avoiding the apocalyptic devastation that astronomers tell us isn’t a matter of “if” but rather “quite possibly any day now Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science0 Comments

Scientists Redefine Kilogram Using Mass of Local Chicago Man

Scientists Redefine Kilogram Using Mass of Local Chicago Man

SEVRES, France (GlossyNews) — At their recent General Conference, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures (IBWM) chose to define the kilogram — roughly equal to about 2.2 lbs and the base unit of metric mass in standard scientific measurements and calculations — to be precicely 1/100th the mass of Travis Phillips, a warehouse manager for a Chicago-area Best Buy distribution center. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

Acme Corporation Profits from BP Spill Efforts

Acme Corporation is reporting a huge profit upswing this month. Acme is the chief supplier of underwater doo-dads for BP Corporation, the sponsors of what is now the largest oil spill ever. BP has been buying heavily from Acme in its attempts to up cap the renegade oil well.

Acme CEO Wile E. Coyote, interviewed by Fly By Night Business Magazine, has expressed his delight at his company’s good fortune.

“I use to be Acme’s biggest customer of products. Their inventory has always been amazing. They had everything imaginable: long and short fused explosives, rocket cars, anvils, guided missiles, bazookas, spring loaded shoes and a great variety of specialty booby traps. We intend on maintaining that great tradition.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Economy Causes Jupiter Cloud Downsizing

Economy Causes Jupiter Cloud Downsizing

Boat-Upon-River, Oxfordshire, England, Great Britain (GlossyUKNews) — Professor Percy Hyde-Warf spoke from Oxford’s esteemed Council on Planetary Stuff this week on the planet Jupiter’s recent atmospheric changes. The CPS Director told reporters, “In short ladies and gentlemen, it’s those bloody Greeks that forced this on us.”

Hyde-Warf reiterated the basic principles of Econogravitationalphysics, wherein the Sun’s mass fluctuates in proportion to Earth economic stability.

“Look, I could show you all the computer models, but you wouldn’t understand them anyway, so just write down what I say. At least since the time of Galileo the planet Jupiter has had two primary cloud bands. Now it has only one. That’s because the lazy Greeks want to retire at age thirty with a full pension, and some twits were stupid enough to let Greece in the EU.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Obama Inspires Oil Spill to Clean Itself Up

Obama Inspires Oil Spill to Clean Itself Up

Smelly Corners, LA (GlossyNews) — President Barack Obama’s recent visit to the Gulf Coast was billed as a chance for the Commander in Chief to assess the damage caused by the massive oil spill, but a top White House aid says that there may have been another reason for the trip.

“He went there to whip the oil into shape and rouse the leak into closing,” the aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He figured if he could get Republicans to vote for him in 2008, a health care bill pushed through during 2009, and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ repealed in 2010, he should be able to talk an oil spill back into the ground.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop, bucket or leaf blower down to the Gulf Coast and helps clean up the giant oil spill washing ashore.

In a hastily arranged press conference, President Obama could hardly contain his excitement. “It looks like the good Lord has provided us with a solution and given us an army of the best of the best when it comes to cleaning up a mess. The first line of defense will be 20 million Mexicans with leaf blowers who will attempt to change the course of the spill by blowing it into a neighboring country. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment6 Comments

Next iPad Prototype Found in Parking Lot

Next iPad Prototype Found in Parking Lot

Cupertino, Ca (GlossyNews) — In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost — eventually found — in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a piss drunk seventeen year old high school kid sobering up before he could drive himself home. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street

Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street

Reno, NV (GlossyNews) — A Reno NV woman became the second person to sue Google because of an issue with Google Maps. Similar to an earlier action in Park City, UT, the woman, Eustancia Dumas is suing Google for poor directions related to the walking instructions Google offered. The woman claims that Google did not go into enough detail about how to cross the street.

Ms Dumas, who recently moved to Reno, consulted Google Maps to find a route to the local Piggly Wiggly. Dumas, who doesn’t drive and usually has others deliver her groceries, decided that the store was close enough for her to walk. She consulted Google Maps to offer her a walking route to the store, which was 3/4 of a mile down the sidewalk on the same street. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Travel0 Comments

World’s First Obedient Cat Stuns Scientists

World’s First Obedient Cat Stuns Scientists

Providence, RI – Sir Wiggims, the 12-pound Persian who belongs to Sherry and Gordon Foster is not any ordinary house cat. In fact, most who see him in action wonder if he is indeed a dog in cat’s clothing. That’s because Wiggims behaves nothing like what we normally associate with cats. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science0 Comments

Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill

Pet Stores Donate Birds to Sop Up BP Oil Spill

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) — The announcement that shipments of millions of small household pets would be soon arriving to the gulf region was met with cheers by cleanup crews who had all but exhausted local populations of coastal animals.

Clean up teams from across the area have been complaining that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was slow to act in replacing the dwindling number of terns, gulls, turtles, and other gulf creatures they had been using to sop up the growing volume of crude oil that was spewing into gulf waters at the rate of over 210,000 gallons a day. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment4 Comments

God Photoshops Jupiter

God Photoshops Jupiter

Galley Leio, Australia – An amateur astronomer from Australia has photos to prove that God has a computer and He’s pretty good at photoshopping objects in the universe to change their appearance (God that is).

Take Jupiter for example. Astronomers claim that normal pictures of Jupiter show two distinct bands of dark cloud matter over the northern and southern ends of the planet, with the Giant Red Spot visible down by the lower dark band.

When Australian Astronomer Nicus Coper viewed Jupiter just last month however, after the planet came out from behind the sun, the dark band at the bottom was missing and the Giant Red Spot was redder. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science0 Comments

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