Apple Announces New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn

Cupertino, CA – Apple Inc. today announced the next generation of their rainbow-crapping unicorn, the “Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5.”

The name surprised the entire unicorn-blogging world after wide speculation that the latest Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn would be called the Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 6 or the New Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn HD Super Plus.

As expected, Apple’s stock price benefited from the announcement and rose so fast that every single recession the nation has ever seen was deleted from the history books.

The Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5 has six-core rainbow-crapping abilities and can even crap rainbows in high definition and 3D.

The new unicorn even has new retinas that can see what it’s crapping on twice as fast as the old rainbow crapper.

And amazingly, the Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 5 has even more rainbow-crapping battery power than the old unicorn. The new unicorn can crap rainbows for over ten days without dying.

Apple also announced a new model of rainbow-crapping unicorn pony that turns all of your music into super special deluxe magical awesomeness.

The new unicorn was expected to cost more due to it’s new crapping abilities, however, Apple has decided to still only charge one arm and two legs instead of the rumored “all limbs.”

Apple even lowered the price of the old rainbow-crapping unicorn to a much more reasonable “firstborn son.”

Other manufacturers responded by committing mass suicide upon hearing Apple’s announcement. Samsung’s CEO was reportedly in his private jet during the speech and immediately commandeered the plane and crashed it into a field of rainbow-crapping unicorns upon hearing the news.

Google responded to the announcement by announcing a Skittles-crapping mule that collapsed whenever a rider sat on it and died after thirty minutes of crapping Skittles.

The new unicorn will be available on September 21. It is rumored that it will be followed by the “Newer Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 6GS.1” which will be followed by the “Newest Rainbow-Crapping Unicorn 7GSHDD4DSPGT” which will be followed by the “iJesus.”

Author: Mark Garrison

Mark Garrison is both a loving husband, a devoted father, and a steadfast rebel when it comes to the word "both." His work has appeared in Opium Magazine, Monkeybicycle, and many other places with interesting names.

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