SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.”
The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some to begin distancing themselves with their loved ones in preparation for the release of the phone later on in September.
Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.
The larger display has a better picture resolution, leaving consumers wondering why they would ever want to look at their spouses again.
The thinner design allows a more convenient experience while ignoring those talking to you, fitting comfortably in your hands.
On top of the thinner design and larger display, the new iPhone has the best battery life yet. This allows owners to be able to disregard what ever opinion or feeling any one is having in the room for loonger.
The change of the standard iPhone plug will raise the cost considerably for consumers to update all of their purchased goods that were compatible with previous models. This will surely bring about personal monetary strains within households, creating a passive aggregative shield that will drive families apart.
Vice President, Phil Schiller explained, “With all of the advanced technological features on this phone, I’m not sure why you would even need human interaction. We here at apple are not advocating consumers to become hermits. We are pre warning them that they will simply not want to have any open discourse with any one ever again, even the ones they love.”
“Society will still carry on, uninterrupted. There just won’t be any need to look up from your phone. We have included a proprietary application that allows you to see the ground through the camera while you walk, so you really never have to look up. I suppose it could be used to see the facial reactions to someone you’re talking to while you look at your phone, but who wants to do that?”
Tech blogs have been long noted for their reclusive authors, but they have seemed to embrace the lonesome existence of never having a meaningful relationship.
With posts like “now I don’t need a girlfriend,” and “What family? I have an iPhone 5,” tech buffs are whole heartedly embracing the technology.
Tim Cook explained that, “It’s not all bad. We aren’t monsters here at Apple. There will be apps available in itunes that will give you encouragement when you feel down. There are apps that will adequately judge you and criticize you just like caring family members would. Best of all, you will be able to take your iPhone on a date and keep a full conversation about what ever your interests are with an even more sexually androgynous Siri, so every one can enjoy the date.”
When asked to further explain the features available on the iPhone 5, Phil Schiller quickly dismissed the question while staring at his iPhone, only stating “What? You’re still talking? It’s probably because you don’t have an iPhone yet. I’m sorry, I can’t be bothered right now.” He then promptly left with iPhone in hand towards the bathroom.