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GM Introducing Biodegradable Cars

GM Introducing Biodegradable Cars

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.” Continue Reading

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Bekins Moving Into The Future

Bekins Moving Into The Future

Chicago, IL – The Bekins folks are bound to make moving a snap for their customers this time, for sure. Compression is the new name of the moving game for this century-old company. Soon, the familiar semi-trailers will be parked for good. Computer giant Maxis, the developers of Sim City – the game for people who like to control everything – has teamed up with Bekins to revolutionize the moving industry. And wow. What a great idea! Continue Reading

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Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president said that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery. Continue Reading

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French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

French Court Labels Monsanto ‘Serial Liars’, Weeds Uninjured

The Conseil d’Etat, France’s highest court, has ruled that U.S. agrogarchy bully-corp Monsanto has been lying through its proverbial teeth concerning the safety record of the best-selling weed-killer, Phuck_Up.

The court confirmed an earlier judgment that Monsanto had falsely advertised its dodgy toxic herbicide as “biodegradable” and claimed it ‘left the soil clean’ when in fact it has the half life of several millenniums and left the ground, sub-soil and water table as toxically contaminated as Hiroshima’s following their ‘August Surprise’ nuclear ‘surrender or else’ trick or treat in 1945. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology3 Comments

Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved

Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved

Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God.

His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.

Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology1 Comment

Middle Kingdom (China) Makes Green Energy 1st, Holds the Lead

Middle Kingdom (China) Makes Green Energy 1st, Holds the Lead

Chinese car maker BWB today announced it is about to release a prototype electric vehicle capable of revolutionizing the world of motoring.

Senior BWB (Big Wheel Barrow) design engineer Dr. Flip Flop Fong – the man responsible for power steering on Mongolian roller blades – informed reporters from the Shit or Bust Gazette that the company’s new E6 electric car – due to hit European and US markets before the end of the year – will do 250 miles (400km) on a single charge – and even further if left plugged in. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Fruitcake—Alternative Fuel Source?

Fruitcake—Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.” Continue Reading

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Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

Did David Cameron’s father buy him the Conservative Party? No, he only bought him a 51% majority share.

Has Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg slept with 3,000 women? Absolutely not – it’s more like 2,350 women, 522 men, and a mix of 180 transvestites and she-males, usually for a three at a time all-night cluster-fuck session. Hence why he always looks knackered in Parliament. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Technology3 Comments

Miliband the Millipede Promises Green Jobs For All

Miliband the Millipede Promises Green Jobs For All

One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again – for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and – is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? – and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money – to build an atomic weapon. Continue Reading

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EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

Now even dogs and cats – and likewise all British household pets – from the cuddly furry to the feathery plumaged to piscine and reptilian scaly – cannot escape the clutches of the Orwellian surveillance state.

Under EU plans being implemented by the totally paranoid New Labour administration all UK pets will have to be fitted with a microchip containing their owner’s name and address, phone number and credit card details – including the four-digit pin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society, Technology0 Comments

Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

A surprising amount of water has been found to exist on the Moon’s surface, especially so in the craters which have been discovered to contain muddy puddles just waiting to be drained and the liquid purified for drinking.

Data from India’s Vindaloo 1 space probe – which recently landed on the Moon for urgent repairs while on its way to Mars – shows the entire lunar surface holds molecules of aqua vitae in abundance which could be squeezed out to provide ample supplies of drinking water and also become the medium for irrigation projects once lunar farming takes off under Monsanto’s planned ‘Moonseed’ project. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

A large bone fragment of Adolf Hitler’s skull has been revealed as being that of a woman, according to the latest forensic tests carried out in the US by Princeton’s prestigious Institute of Advanced Guessology.

The section of bone – marked with a bullet hole through the right temporal squamus – was used to support the theory that Hitler shot himself after taking cyanide. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

Google Dog Search Trick Pisses Off Council

Google Dog Search Trick Pisses Off Council

A family of dodgy Balkan refugees who tried to lure back a lost dog by leaving a trail of their own urine around the streets near their home have been criticised by the town council as a bunch of irresponsible pisspots. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi Tokiru in the late nineties to match American ineptitude, Toyota’s engineers finally came through, creating a car that is more terrible than any American counterpart. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

UK police and Interpol are hot on the trail of a troop of thirty-plus chimpanzees that escaped from their enclosure at Chester Zoo in Cheshire this weekend, forcing visitors to flee in terror. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Technology0 Comments

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