Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

Did David Cameron’s father buy him the Conservative Party? No, he only bought him a 51% majority share.

Has Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg slept with 3,000 women? Absolutely not – it’s more like 2,350 women, 522 men, and a mix of 180 transvestites and she-males, usually for a three at a time all-night cluster-fuck session. Hence why he always looks knackered in Parliament. Read more Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

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Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again – for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and – is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? – and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money – to build an atomic weapon. Read more Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

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EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

Now even dogs and cats – and likewise all British household pets – from the cuddly furry to the feathery plumaged to piscine and reptilian scaly – cannot escape the clutches of the Orwellian surveillance state.

Under EU plans being implemented by the totally paranoid New Labour administration all UK pets will have to be fitted with a microchip containing their owner’s name and address, phone number and credit card details – including the four-digit pin. Read more EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

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Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

A surprising amount of water has been found to exist on the Moon’s surface, especially so in the craters which have been discovered to contain muddy puddles just waiting to be drained and the liquid purified for drinking.

Data from India’s Vindaloo 1 space probe – which recently landed on the Moon for urgent repairs while on its way to Mars – shows the entire lunar surface holds molecules of aqua vitae in abundance which could be squeezed out to provide ample supplies of drinking water and also become the medium for irrigation projects once lunar farming takes off under Monsanto’s planned ‘Moonseed’ project. Read more Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

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DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

A large bone fragment of Adolf Hitler’s skull has been revealed as being that of a woman, according to the latest forensic tests carried out in the US by Princeton’s prestigious Institute of Advanced Guessology.

The section of bone – marked with a bullet hole through the right temporal squamus – was used to support the theory that Hitler shot himself after taking cyanide. Read more DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

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Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi Tokiru in the late nineties to match American ineptitude, Toyota’s engineers finally came through, creating a car that is more terrible than any American counterpart. Read more Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

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Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were “significant gaps in our scientific knowledge” – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state – or kick-start the growth of a super-metastasizing malignant tumour – but – wait for it – did conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that ‘any’ amount of microwave radiation is ‘not’ good for you. Read more Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

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Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

Toyota Motor Corp. set themselves apart from American automakers in the 80’s and 90’s by designing quality vehicles absent of planned functional obsolescences. This decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a “gutless crackerbox”, but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones. Read more Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

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Cingular Busted on “Unlimited Mobile to Mobile, AL” Plan

Since their merger/buyout of the non-company AT&T Wireless, Cingular has improved it’s reputation from the “largest corner of no signal whatsoever” to that of a true player in the era of modern wireless communication. Their biggest push has been the claim of the largest free mobile-to-Mobile calling area, but with bills now rolling in, subscribers only now understand that this only refers to calls to Mobile, Alabama. Read more Cingular Busted on “Unlimited Mobile to Mobile, AL” Plan

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