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Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved

Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved

Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God.

His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.

Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology1 Comment

Middle Kingdom (China) Makes Green Energy 1st, Holds the Lead

Middle Kingdom (China) Makes Green Energy 1st, Holds the Lead

Chinese car maker BWB today announced it is about to release a prototype electric vehicle capable of revolutionizing the world of motoring.

Senior BWB (Big Wheel Barrow) design engineer Dr. Flip Flop Fong – the man responsible for power steering on Mongolian roller blades – informed reporters from the Shit or Bust Gazette that the company’s new E6 electric car – due to hit European and US markets before the end of the year – will do 250 miles (400km) on a single charge – and even further if left plugged in. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Fruitcake—Alternative Fuel Source?

Fruitcake—Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology1 Comment

Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

Bigwigs Hit by Wickedpedia Attacks

Did David Cameron’s father buy him the Conservative Party? No, he only bought him a 51% majority share.

Has Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg slept with 3,000 women? Absolutely not – it’s more like 2,350 women, 522 men, and a mix of 180 transvestites and she-males, usually for a three at a time all-night cluster-fuck session. Hence why he always looks knackered in Parliament. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Technology3 Comments

Miliband the Millipede Promises Green Jobs For All

Miliband the Millipede Promises Green Jobs For All

One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again – for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and – is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? – and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money – to build an atomic weapon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

EU Big Brother to Microchip All UK Pets

Now even dogs and cats – and likewise all British household pets – from the cuddly furry to the feathery plumaged to piscine and reptilian scaly – cannot escape the clutches of the Orwellian surveillance state.

Under EU plans being implemented by the totally paranoid New Labour administration all UK pets will have to be fitted with a microchip containing their owner’s name and address, phone number and credit card details – including the four-digit pin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society, Technology0 Comments

Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

A surprising amount of water has been found to exist on the Moon’s surface, especially so in the craters which have been discovered to contain muddy puddles just waiting to be drained and the liquid purified for drinking.

Data from India’s Vindaloo 1 space probe – which recently landed on the Moon for urgent repairs while on its way to Mars – shows the entire lunar surface holds molecules of aqua vitae in abundance which could be squeezed out to provide ample supplies of drinking water and also become the medium for irrigation projects once lunar farming takes off under Monsanto’s planned ‘Moonseed’ project. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

DNA Tests Reveal Hitler was a Woman

A large bone fragment of Adolf Hitler’s skull has been revealed as being that of a woman, according to the latest forensic tests carried out in the US by Princeton’s prestigious Institute of Advanced Guessology.

The section of bone – marked with a bullet hole through the right temporal squamus – was used to support the theory that Hitler shot himself after taking cyanide. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

Google Dog Search Trick Pisses Off Council

Google Dog Search Trick Pisses Off Council

A family of dodgy Balkan refugees who tried to lure back a lost dog by leaving a trail of their own urine around the streets near their home have been criticised by the town council as a bunch of irresponsible pisspots. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

Japan Finally Makes Worse Car Than U.S.

TOKYO, JAPAN- Japanese engineers working for Toyota shocked the world today by announcing that they have at long last created a car worse than any car made in the United States. After a bold promise made by Chief Engineer Fukashi Tokiru in the late nineties to match American ineptitude, Toyota’s engineers finally came through, creating a car that is more terrible than any American counterpart. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

Genetic Engineering Goes Bananas, Boosts Chimp IQ’s

UK police and Interpol are hot on the trail of a troop of thirty-plus chimpanzees that escaped from their enclosure at Chester Zoo in Cheshire this weekend, forcing visitors to flee in terror. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Technology0 Comments

Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains

A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were “significant gaps in our scientific knowledge” – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state – or kick-start the growth of a super-metastasizing malignant tumour – but – wait for it – did conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that ‘any’ amount of microwave radiation is ‘not’ good for you. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

Passenger Forced to Fix Faulty Airliner

Passenger Forced to Fix Faulty Airliner

Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

Ebay Catalog Mailings Mire Postal Service to a Crawl

Ebay Catalog Mailings Mire Postal Service to a Crawl

Ebay has been feeling the growing pressure from mail order catalog companies due to their revived success in recent years. Consumers often don’t know what they want and having the luxury of flipping through pages was something Ebay just couldn’t offer, until now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

Toyota Hybrid Sports Car “Priapus” Gets Greenlight

Toyota Motor Corp. set themselves apart from American automakers in the 80’s and 90’s by designing quality vehicles absent of planned functional obsolescences. This decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a “gutless crackerbox”, but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology0 Comments

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