PALO ALTO, CALIF — In a recent Pew Research Center study, a reported 10% of Facebook users are oblivious to the fact that other people can see what they write.
The study alleges that of that 10% of naive morons, 50% are systematically confusing “statuses” with “private messages,” 35% are utterly uncertain about what a “facebook” is exactly, and the remaining 15% are simply illiterate.
RIGHT: A portion of the study’s participants were shocked to learn that there is, in fact, a methodology to pushing these glowing buttons.
One such PEW research subject, Gil Ferris, seemed distraught to learn that his painfully meaningless yet impressively expletive-laden rants were visible to other human beings, saying “Yo, I’m friends with my mom on here. Fuck.”
Fortunately for Ferris, sources close to the 18-year-old claim that his mother is “as completely cretinous as he is” and that her poor parenting skills are what led to her son’s inevitable and unfortunate Facebook rants in the first place.
Ferris, however, is in the minority when it comes to feeling the appropriate level of shame over the contemptuous drivel with which he has been infecting the internet for years.
According to one extraordinarily proud participant who, paradoxically, spoke to Reidicule News on the condition of anonymity, “Oh. Em. GOD. I’m so not lolling right now. You mean all my friends saw that back-and-forth, 85-comment fight I had with Jen? W-T-FUCK?! Whatever. I don’t care. That bitch deserves to get blasted in front of everyone and I’m glad all my girls could see it and back me up. Twenty-three people ‘liked’ it so apparently I’m not the only one who thinks she’s completely ratchet.”
Apart from pride or shame, other subjects displayed a perplexing level of sheer amazement upon learning that literally hundreds or even thousands of people can see, comprehend and subsequently judge you, your family and your ancestors based on the astonishingly inappropriate and simpleminded garbage you write on Facebook.
A completely stunned 22-year-old Jeff Marsley, for example, said, “I had no idea. I mean really, I thought that pressing keys on the keyboard was kind of like hitting buttons on a video game control. You know, like when you’re playing a two-player fight game on a console you’re not used to. I thought if I just hit a bunch of buttons repeatedly and at random, I might get lucky.”
At press time, it was reported that while 10% of Facebook users are unaware that what they’re typing is being read, the remaining 90% of Facebook users are fully aware that their thoughts are on display and will live on within the internet for the rest of eternity, but simply “don’t give a shit.”