The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

It’s time patriotic, flag-waving Americans stand up for our God-given right to oppose any minority group that makes us feel slightly uncomfortable.

The time is now to raise arms – and legs – against the moral decay of this once great land. Join me in opposing the misguided policy of marriage equality for left-handed people. Read more The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

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America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

On July 4th, we will once again celebrate our independence from the tyranny of England.

Those British monarchs can be so oppressive.

If it were up to Queen Elizabeth, we’d all be forced to drink Earl Grey tea with every meal.

Every year at this time, Americans proudly mark our independence with fireworks, burgers on the grill and binge drinking. And why shouldn’t we? Read more America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

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Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Sorry, son. I know I was hard on you (and me?) last time.

Still, it’s all downhill from here, don’t worry.

6. You’re twisting my words.

OK, so you know words are subject to interpretation. That’s a start.

So why is your interpretation of your own words so important? Every time you open your mouth or set pen to paper, everyone has to focus on what you “originally meant?” Read more Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

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Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Everybody knows it’s REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD TO BE A MAN!!!

;(

And when you’re part of a tragically oppressed subaltern group like yours, there’s no shortage of excuses for justifying your perfectly noble and laudable addiction to telling women to quit telling men what we do wrong.

Still, here’s why you/we might think twice about using these old chestnuts in future… Read more Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

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“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh, Not so Fast

Coming up to the 2015 General Election, the inflammatory rhetoric of UKIP is a worrying feature of the complex political scene in the UK.

It’s always been complex, of course…

Well, we have had politicians who have expanded the suffrage and decriminalised homosexuality. Read more “But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh, Not so Fast

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Better parenting through polling

When it comes to parenting, I don’t always make the best decisions. I’m not always sure what the right thing to do is in a difficult situation.

Like the time our elder daughter begged and pleaded with me to let her drive the car to the mall. It was a sunny day. Traffic was light. And she had behaved extremely well all week long. So against my better judgment, I said okay. Two minutes later, she smashed the car into a stop sign barely 100 yards from our driveway. A part of me can’t help but wonder whether in retrospect I made a mistake giving in to the incessant pleadings of an eight-year-old to drive my minivan. Read more Better parenting through polling

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What Happens When a Satirist Feels Uncomfortable at the Satire of Others?

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I can’t seem do the links correctly for these (in bold) Tried using wordpress function, but trial run was unsatisfactory. Please do them for me?

EDITOR’S NOTE: No problem. Now I just have to figure out how to delete these damn notes to each other here up top.

At the risk of egregious flattery to my colleagues, my favorite satire outlet I write for is Glossynews. And I once wrote the following piece, which actually means a lot to me. [a href=”http://glossynews.com/entertainment/television/201410120242/autistic-savants-inspiring-says-cable-tv-diversity-pimp/”>It is THIS one. Read more What Happens When a Satirist Feels Uncomfortable at the Satire of Others?

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Sorry Men, You Are All Sexists

The moment I tell you “You’re ALL sexists,” some poor Jeremy is gonna wail out:

“But we’re not AAALLL like thaaat!!!”

But that’s precisely the point.

There’s something very significant about the fact that this is precisely the typical response to the (actually defensible) idea that the problem is “men…” Read more Sorry Men, You Are All Sexists

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A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (2/2)

Previously, as a non-Muslim, I raised the question of the distinction between a living letter and prophet, and a dead letter and prophet.

And I’m not so much attempting to intrude from the outside of Islam, to set a “program” or “plan” for the religion…

But I am raising some questions that are fairly broad in scope, and no doubt apply to other religions too. Read more A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (2/2)

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A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (1/2)

Disclaimer: This is less “humorous” than my usual work (apart from some cheeky memes!), but is not intended as “po-faced” or “solemn.”

I’m not suggesting a program or plan for Muslims or non-Muslims, satirists or non-satirists.

I’m mainly trying to clarify my own thoughts to myself, posing some very current questions; hoping some individuals, (whoever you may be), may find these ideas intriguing, and worth reflecting upon. Read more A Prophet Versus Islamists? What Would Muhammad Say? (1/2)

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UK: No, Not All Anti-Fascists Are Equal

Unparliamentary Fanaticism

The tragic fact is that in the United Kingdom, as in many other countries, there is a fascist presence.

However, fascist parties are fringe organizations; not least in terms of their electoral power.

Yes… over here, it is not merely “bad dinner party conversation” for goose-stepping eagle-polishers to talk about their BNP or National Front membership…

Rather, it is likely to lose them their entire reputation (such as it may be). Read more UK: No, Not All Anti-Fascists Are Equal

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Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream

On January 19th, this nation will celebrate Martin Luther King Day. The iconic civil rights leader would have been 86 this year. On a swelteringly hot day in August 1963, Reverend King delivered one of the greatest oratories in American history – his famously inspiring “I have a dream” speech, which he delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

While I don’t claim to possess Mr. King’s eloquence, I too have a dream. And it’s very personal. With your permission, I would like to share it with you today. Read more Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream

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Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

Everybody seems to be blaming the current do-nothing state of Congress on the fractious squabbling between different ideological factions, particularly those of the Republican persuasion.

But maybe it’s not ideology at all; maybe it’s just that we have too many grumpy old men in the Senate.

It would probably require a Constitutional amendment but I think it’s time we placed an age limit on membership in the U. S. Senate. Read more Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obamymorons (They’re not what you think)

Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.

Janey: Welcome, Scoop.

Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!

Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.

Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?

Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.

Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?

Scoop: Right!

Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?

Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.

Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?

Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!

Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?

Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!

Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.

Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.

Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!

Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.

Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?

Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?

Dick: Obamymorons!

Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.

Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!

Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!

Scoop: Obamymoron!

Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?

Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!

Dick: Doink! Huh?

Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.

Dick: I’m confused.

Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.

Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.

Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.

Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.

Scoop: Will there be prizes?

Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!

Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?

Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.

Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.

Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.

Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.

Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…

Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Feds to tax bowling jackpots

Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of “Yucky World”.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Esse. Read more “Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Feds to tax bowling jackpots

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey (^-^) Today’s issue: Sex with a subordinate?

Announcer: Monica Lewinsky was recently interviewed about her affair with former President Bill Clinton. Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be Hedda Enabler, spokesperson for the National Association of Disorganized Women.

They will be discussing the fact that her organization has not objected to men like Clinton having sex with women who are their subordinates.

Enabler: Hey, bud! You left out the word “consensual”.

Dick:Wow! How did you know our announcer’s name was Bud? I didn’t even know that!

Janey: Forgive him, Ms. Enabler. There’s a lot he doesn’t know.

Enabler: Probably starting with sex.

Dick: Hey, I know about the birds and the fleas.

Janey: Anyway, how can sex between a subordinate and her boss be consensual? If she refuses, it could cost the woman her job.

Enabler: Just say “No!”

Dick: I think I’ve heard that before.

Janey: And if she loses her job?

Enabler: Sue him!

Dick: That will keep the trial lawyers smiling.

Janey: What if it’s a lawyer having sex with his secretary?

Dick: Another smiling lawyer?

Enabler:Let’s look at a real world example like President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Janey: As an intern, she wasn’t even an employee when the affair started.

Enabler: Doesn’t matter. It was consensual. The President was under a lot of pressure, and she was helping him to relieve it.

Dick: When I’m under stress, I usually go for a walk.

Enabler: I bet you drop bread crumbs so you can find your way home.

Janey: And what kind of stress was David Letterman under with his staffers?

Enabler: Hey, it’s tough being a high profile network comedian. You have to tell some really good jokes night after night.

Janey: But, you certainly must object to Roman Polanski having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl.

Enabler: Cut the guy a little slack. He’s made a lot of great movies…and look at all the pressure and personal tragedies he’s had to face.

Janey: But a thirteen-year-old?

Enabler: Shakespeare’s Juliet was only thirteen!

Dick: Hmm! “Roman and Juliet”? It doesn’t really work for me.

Janey: Polanski even drugged her.

Enabler: So! Juliet did drugs, too.

Dick: Sex! Drugs! Some things never change!!

Janey: But what if the tables are turned? What if the woman is the boss who’s demanding sex?

Enabler: I guess men will just have to get used to it.

Dick: Used to what?

Enabler: Being in the subordinate position.

Dick: I don’t remember that position from my sex ed class.

Janey: Isn’t it just blatant hypocrisy to say it’s consensual sex when the relationship is between a boss and a subordinate?

Enabler: Sometimes it depends on who the boss is.

Janey: Well, what about George W. Bush?

Enabler: That “W” stood for “War on Women”!

Janey: Well, he did free a lot of women from domination by the misogynist Taliban!

Enabler: Sure, but what did he do for American women?

Janey: Isn’t that a double standard?

Enabler: Well, it’s better than having no standards at all!

Dick: Maybe I should become a trial lawyer.

Janey: Don’t you remember what Shakespeare wrote about killing all the lawyers?

Dick: Yeah, but at least they would have died with smiles on their faces. Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: You’d better wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you!

Dick: “For never was a story of more woe…” Than this of Janey and her Dickeo!

Enabler: Sophomoric!

Dick: Yeah! But at least I’m consistent!

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A Solution to Our Prison Problem – Soccer Balls

Newsflash: Our prison population over the past two decades has soared to a record-bursting 2.4 million. Almost one out of every 100 Americans is currently incarcerated. (Personally, I blame Hollywood celebutantes Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber for much of the overcrowding problem.)

The USA has more people in prison than any other country in the world – yet one more achievement about which Americans can proudly shout We’re #1. The cost to house all these charming folks is staggering. Check out these startling statistics:

• The average annual operating cost in 2012 was $28,000 per inmate.
• Housing the approximately 500,000 people in jail awaiting trial costs $9 billion a year.
• The cost to put my two daughters through four years of college would be enough to house the entire prison population of Wyoming for four months.
• An ant can carry 50 times its own body weight.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

As these alarming statistics clearly demonstrate, we need to do something about the runaway costs of housing our inmates – not to mention cracking down on Donkeys Gone Wild.

Prison population graphOn the left is a chart showing the increase in our American prison population over the past 86 years. (Coincidentally, a mirror image of this chart displays the value of my investment portfolio from 1990 through 2013.)

One humanitarian solution I’ve lobbied for vociferously for years is to simply turn the entire state of Mississippi into a federal prison. I mean, it’s not like the place is being used for much else these days. But an even better idea comes from Argentina. Their solution? Soccer ball prison guards.

Recently, Argentina made an unscheduled surprise announcement about its unique cost-cutting solution for its prison system. Turns out that one of their prisons was running severely short of funds to staff their guard towers – so much so that only two of the fifteen guard towers actually were staffed by guards. The prison decided to staff one of the towers with a dummy. “We’ve made a dummy out of a soccer ball and a prison officer’s cap. We named him Wilson, like in the film Castaway, and put him in one of the towers so that the prisoners would see its shadow and think they’re being watched,” an unnamed prison source told the Río Negro newspaper. (I could not make this stuff up.)

I did a detailed cost analysis. Cost of one soccer ball: $8.95. Cost of one guard cap: $11.50. Total cost: $20.45. Annual cost of one human Argentinean prison guard: $20,500. Average annual savings of soccer ball guard: $20,479, a savings of 99.9% compared to human prison guards. In full disclosure, that’s before factoring in the cost of engraving the ball with the Official Seal of Argentina and the necessary legal disclaimers like “This prison guard is the property of [insert name of prison here]. Do not try to escape past me or attempt to do a header. Do not deflate me. Not intended for use in recreational sports.”

Think about the cost savings to American taxpayers if we implemented this innovative solution. Right off the bat you can eliminate the cost of salary, food, and medical benefits – not to mention guns and ammo. And problems like substance abuse and prisoner abuse by guards and guards grumbling about dangerous work conditions become things of the past. Oh sure, prison wardens would need to remember to inflate their soccer ball guards now and then, but beyond that, they’re pretty much maintenance-free and would most likely require minimal supervision.

We could debate for days whether soccer balls, footballs, basketballs or volleyballs would function best as substitute prison security personnel. But I would strenuously argue that golf balls are simply not up to the task. Not even Titleists. I will leave it up to some Congressional sub-committee to recommend the proper spheroid to use, proper inflation pressure, and how much to skim off the top from the lobbyists for Spalding, Wilson and Rawlings to get Congress to recommend their brand of ball. I envision that, before long, millions of Americans will start purchasing sports balls, dressing them up as German Shepherds and placing them in their living room windows to deter burglars.

prison - Cast AwayOne thing to learn from Argentina’s bold new experiment is to not actually inform the prison population that your towers are being guarded by soccer balls. This was Argentina’s one tiny mistake. Apparently, word got out that the guard in Tower #3 – the guy who never seemed to look around, smoke or ask for a bathroom break – was in fact a soccer ball. As a result, two convicted armed robbers escaped over the wall into the night and have yet to be found. (True.)

But that’s just a small hiccup in the system. The only other mistake the Argentine prison authorities made was in forgetting to remove the giant gold and green FIFA WORLD CUP logo on its “face” – a sure giveaway, if you ask me. But that could have easily been painted over – if only they’d had the budget to buy a paintbrush.

With a well-inflated soccer-basket-volley-ball, our prison system could order thousands of balls with fiercely intimidating faces on them like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas or Samuel L. Jackson in, well anything he’s ever done, to keep the prisoners from even thinking about escaping.

But why stop there? Think how much the U.S. military could save each year by replacing soldiers on the front lines with soccer ball dummies. Think about how many American lives we could save, not to mention the millions that Hasbro and Mattel could make selling the new GI Joe soccer ball dummy action figures.

Of course, there are a few logistical challenges our military commanders will have to work out, like how to get the soccer ball soldiers to shoot … or drive a tank … or disarm land mines … or salute their commanding officers. But I’m confident the top military brass will figure out those minor details. After all, they pretty much solved the whole Afghanistan mess, right?

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Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working

Announcer: President Obama’s foreign policy has come under serious scrutiny lately. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with retired U.S. State Department diplomat J. Foghill Bottom.

Janey: You’re considered to be one of the deans of American diplomacy, Mr. Bottom. To what do you attribute your success? Read more Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working

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