American Cow Pie

Authors Note:

This is a Parody of Don Mclean’s Classic American Pie. I wrote this during the financial crisis at the beginning of the Obama Administration. It’s interesting to look back at how much has changed, and yet, how little has changed. Same old divisive America. I will soon follow up with an updated version of this parody if you’d like.  Let me know in the coments below.

Long, long time ago. I can still remember

The Revolution used to make me smile.

I knew that if we had our chance

That we could take this nation back

And maybe we could limp on for a while.

The PATRIOT act made me shiver

Our nation’s fate signed sealed delivered

Bad news on the doorstep

I wouldn’t take one more step.


I had the urge to run and hide

When they crumbled up our bill of rights

They’ll come and take you in the night

You’re jailed without a trial

So bye bye constitutional rights,

Searched my Chevy by the levee

Cause I fit the profile

The good old boys won’t need Miranda


If it’s he said, we said things will be fine.

This’ll be a thing we deny.


Did you read the tale of Lot

Can you relate to a vengeful God

If the Bible tells you so.

Do you believe in heaven’s role

Can repentance save your rotten soul?

Has your preacher gone and cast

The first stone.


Well I know that you’re not free from sin

Saw you last night dance with men.

Your true self you’ll refuse

All that guilt for loving a dude.


Just a phony mid aged

Lying scum

With a pink carnation and a rack of guns

Try and deny the life you want…

The gays, you’ll crucify


You started screaming

Why why do Americans try

Granting dandies and the trannies

All those freedoms and rights.

The good old boys believe that

Satan’s arrived


The sacredness of marriage will died

Out sacred institution would die.


Now for ten years we been in a hole

Crashed planes fought back by lobbing


That’s not how it’s s’posed to be

When the Texan begged that we wait and see

It’s a joke, a folly on humanity

In a voice that was too sane for you and me.


And while our generals

Marked the ground

We gathered every

Torch in town

When congress had adjourned


Their verdict was absurd.

And while

The generals led us in a march

The culprit vanished in the park

And we’ll burn crosses after dark.

And say

“We’re justified. “


The bullets streaming

Why why must Americans die

Cause our Chevy’s running empty

And on empty we die

The good old boys in secret meetings conspire

Was it justice or just making a dime

Justice or just us on a ride.


Helter skelter an industrial smelter

Jobs moved out, filled all the homeless


Eight dollar wage

And higher tax.

We had to bail out all the Brass

The players vied for congress to pass

With investors on the sidelines with

Open hands


The halftime show spelled

Certain doom

While our sponsors

Mutilate familiar tunes

The rebel bands of the past


Put their songs in ads

The players lied

Their pockets filled

The rest of us to Foot the bill

Were you appalled

When they revealed

To steal is not a crime


They started speaking

Lies, lies, to Americans lied

Bailed out Chevy failing Freddy

While we steady decline

The good old boys are drinking whiskey in style

On golden parachute they will glide.

A golden parachute and a smile


And there we were all in one place

A generation of rats enslaved

And we’re fine just to starve our kids

So come on, Jack be crippled,

Jack be sick.

Jacked off, on the internet because

Idleness is lonely without friends


And as I watched the news today

My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

The way the reporters tell

A highly tainted tale.

As explained by stooges on the right

The Holy war they try and ignite

While the hippy liberals undermine

Free enterprise.


The boat is sinking

Bye bye Miss America died

Broken Chevy broken levees

And they funded us dry

The good old boys are drinking

Whiskey, they wine

While they bankrupt us with a failing SSI

Free Medicaid until the day that they die.


I met a girl who claimed she knew

That the government would see us thru

I didn’t smile I just walked away

Well I went down to my favorite store

Where I bought my music years before

But a sign there said the business moved away.

And in the streets more children sleep

Our Fathers lied

And our mothers drink

And not a word is spoken

Our vocal chords were broken.

And the three men I despise the most,

A father, son and a horny goat

They took our faith and left us broke

And blamed The other guy.


So dry, dry bleed America dry

Put a levy on your Chevy

For a comfortable life

The good old boys will drink their

Whiskey and die

Eating every single piece of the pie

Every piece of American pie.

Author: Fort Nag

Ft. Nag is a poet and speculative satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA. "Real News and Fake News have become interchangeable in our world today. This probably won't help. Sorry."

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