Category: Making Headlines
Schrodinger’s Cat is Envious
Quarantining is difficult. Wearing a mask is hard. Taking a jab in the arm is annoying. All this just to save your life? Wow, do I feel sorry for you. Not. You know what is difficult? Being locked…
Midwestern Forklift Driver Just Glad He Can Finally Go Home And “Not Stop” After 5 Beers
Grant County. 26-year-old alcoholic Craig Wall was profoundly delighted last Friday when he was finally able to leave his exhausting and pointless factory job as a Forklift Driver at Pine Bark Industries and ‘not stop’ consuming can after can of…
Texas Abortion Law Spurs Record Sales of Cots While Condoms Fall
Approximately four months into Texas’s law prohibiting abortion once embryonic cardiac activity is detected at about six weeks when most women don’t yet know they are pregnant, economic indicators in the state began registering some unanticipated effects. Third quarter earnings…
Carrot Clamp-Down
Due to the recent spate of carrot-related incidents, the government has today announced restrictions on the sale of carrots across the nation. The most recent occurred yesterday with one customer tripping over while walking with a carrot and poking himself…
Texas State Republican Lawmaker Behind Sting To Arrest ‘Liberal’ Rock Bands
Austin, Texas – Members of three rock bands were arrested last night in what the Austin Police Department called a “copyright sting.” The arrests took place in two Sixth Street bars. “They violated copyright laws, so we busted them,” said…
Abortion Law Helps Texas Women Lose Weight, Become Entrepreneurs
The new Texas law restricting abortion once a heartbeat is detected on ultrasound, at approximately six weeks when most women don’t yet know they are pregnant (and when there is no actual heart yet, just electrical pulsing) has generated a…
Texas Abortion Law Helps Increase Short Supply of Unwanted Children
Texas which never explains itself, explained why it had revamped its prior abortion law in favor of a more drastic version in September, one that outlaws abortion at about six weeks or once embryonic heart activity is detected, when most…
Noah’s Ark Discovered in Brooklyn Navy Yard
Noah’s Ark, missing for thousands of years, has been found, in what scientists are describing as the greatest archaeological discovery in human history. The legendary boat turned up in a long-abandoned Brooklyn Navy Yard building. Stunned archeologists confirmed the find…
Taking Stadium Naming Rights in Vain: Can We Outdo L.A.’s The Crypt?
Staples Center in L.A. was bad enough, but now Angelinos have “The Crypt” to go to with this week’s announcement that the home of the Lakers and Clippers will be renamed the Crypto.com Arena. Bad stadium and arena names, mostly…
Dear Horticulturalists at the Botanical Garden
I am a regular visitor. I want your job. I’ve been working for four attorneys who do child abuse cases for twenty-two years. I’m over it. I would like to prune the Queen Elizabeth roses in the rose garden because that…