Carrot Clamp-Down

Due to the recent spate of carrot-related incidents, the government has today announced restrictions on the sale of carrots across the nation.

The most recent occurred yesterday with one customer tripping over while walking with a carrot and poking himself in the eye. Recent studies have found that the tapered tips found on many carrots create a high risk of injury to people carrying, running with, and even just holding these vegetables. Other incidents have included the lodgement of carrots in noses, ears, and other bodily orifices.  The government has subsequently also announced an inquiry into all common varieties of root vegetables.

A spokesman from the Victims of Vegetables Alliance said, “It’s about time action was taken against this dangerous orange vegetable. In nature, bright colours like orange signify a warning and the carrot is no exception. Victims have been hesitant to come forward in the past for fear of public ridicule. Our organisation provides ongoing support to the countless people whose lives have been impacted by the carrot.” 

From midnight next Tuesday, anyone wanting to purchase carrots will only be able to do so after completing an online accredited carrot awareness course that advises of the hazards of handling carrots and the methods for their safe transportation and cooking. Supermarkets must now stock supplies of carrots behind a secured counter and accredited shoppers will be required to carry carrots in public using a government-endorsed safety container. 

But not everybody endorses the change. The Snowman Makers Guild of Aspen expressed outrage at the government’s failure to develop an alternative product for use as noses on snowmen, claiming it will “irrevocably change the ancient tradition of snowman making forever”. The Socialist Rabbit Fanciers Association has claimed that the changes will make the carrot prohibitively expensive for use as pet treats amongst all but the wealthiest in society, further emphasizing the growing gap between the haves and have-nots. 

At this stage, restrictions do not apply to tinned, diced carrots or carrot cake.  

Author: Martin Hadfield

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