Texas which never explains itself, explained why it had revamped its prior abortion law in favor of a more drastic version in September, one that outlaws abortion at about six weeks or once embryonic heart activity is detected, when most women don’t yet know they are pregnant.
The law is controversial in that the short timeline makes compliance virtually impossible, thus effectively ruling out all abortions.
“Once you understand our reasoning, you’ll agree it was the only sensible course,” said Adolphus “Sonny” Bonkers, lead legislator for the law.
The restrictions affect all Texas women and girls, but those impacted most are marginalized White, Black, brown or Indigenous women, many of whom have chronic underlying health conditions that put them at severe risk for pregnancy and childbirth, who will have to go to term unless they can access the 10-week abortion pill, travel out of state, or risk self-induced abortion.
“Our supply of unwanted children was falling seriously short and we had to get our numbers up, especially Black and Brown. It’s hurting our domestic programs. Police can’t meet quotas for traffic stops, jails are empty, and homeless people have disappeared,” Bonkers said. “These folks are critical to helping our police sharpen their lifesaving skills.”
The law is being hailed for its unique outsourcing element, leaving enforcement to private citizen “bounty hunters” who may track any Texan appearing to mumble in their sleep about “facilitating” an abortion or who might have spelled “aid and abet” on a Scrabble board, hunters collect $10,000.
When asked if the seemingly stark prohibition even in cases of rape, incest, or age of the female wasn’t adding abuse to injury, Bonkers said, “That’s the point! No matter how it happened, pregnancy is a gift from God. You get a roll in the hay, you pony up. But I get it, if I had to help in one of these situations, it’d be tough, but we all have to do our part.
“If you don’t have kids, just wait!. If you do? Well, don’t start your bellyaching. What’s a few extra mouths to feed? As my Momma always said, ‘just throw another potato in the pot’. Or get a job!”
What If they don’t have housing or lack child care to go to work, Bonkers was asked?
“Their own damn fault. They get themselves in trouble, they gotta pay the piper. And if you don’t want the little bugger, easy, give it up! It’s a win/win for everybody! Last I heard there’s a high demand especially for Black babies.”
Asked about the life-threatening risks of pregnancy and childbirth for mother and child, Bonkers said, “Total BS! Misinformation! Anyway, what’s the big deal if you lose a few?”
In what has become essentially a good-natured war-between-the-states, the Texas law reduces by more than half the previously strictest 15 week ban in Mississippi which also prohibits telehealth consultations with providers.
What about the upcoming Supreme Court challenges to these laws, he was asked?
“Oh, tickled to death! Our guys got the Supremes packed, no way they’re gonna rule against us because, hey, we’re saving the little ones who would otherwise be slaughtered by people who don’t value life. This is God’s work.”
How did he know that God wanted him to save the unborn, wasn’t that between the woman, her doctor and her maker?
“None of their business,” Bonkers said.
When asked about Jesus’s admonitions of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” Bonkers stressed that these were never meant to be taken literally.
What about people who value life by working to prevent gun violence, he was asked.
“That violates people’s freedom, liberty, and individual rights which do not apply to pregnant women,” he said.
What if your daughter became pregnant, he was asked?
“My daughter knows sex is a sin and girls who have it are immoral, but on the off chance that she became pregnant, by God, I’d look her in the eye and say, “Honey, who’s your Daddy? Just who do you think you are?’
When asked what if his mistress became pregnant, Bonkers quickly excused himself, saying he was late for the legislators’ steak dinner to discuss ongoing cuts to the state social safety net.
Update since passage of the law: New Mexico realized a 132% increase in the number of well-off Texas girls and women seeking “spa” treatments, new Zoom groups were featuring roundtables on the art of stalking, and Amazon’s new line of Sherlock Holmes look-alike mustaches, hats and spy glasses, and Surveillance for Dummies were selling like hotcakes.