Taking Stadium Naming Rights in Vain: Can We Outdo L.A.’s The Crypt?

Staples Center in L.A. was bad enough, but now Angelinos have “The Crypt” to go to with this week’s announcement that the home of the Lakers and Clippers will be renamed the Crypto.com Arena.

Bad stadium and arena names, mostly funded by corporate sponsors, already abound. Nicknames and taglines for some invite wonder. Is the University of Phoenix Stadium – named for an online university with no physical presence – a virtual space? Does your heart quicken when you attend Cavalier games at Quicken Loans Arena, or do you need to borrow money at exorbitant rates to pay for your ducats? Was the Kings’ motto in Sacramento’s Sleep Train Arena “Snooze while we Lose,” and is Oakland’s O.Co Coliseum’s “Loco Oco: Last One Out, Turn Out the Lights”?

In 2013, Florida Atlantic University (not an online institution) announced it would name its stadium after GEO, a privately owned multinational prison corporation. After numerous protests, and even looking at a $6 million pledge for the naming rights, the two parties backed away. Maybe the University wasn’t ready to have the home of their Owls called “Owlcatraz,” as pundits christened it.

With the Crypt’s opening, here are other possibilities we may see with potential nicknames or taglines:

Homeless Shelter Arena – San Francisco (The Guilt Invoker)

Peyronie’s Disease Acoustic Therapy Stadium – Portland, Maine (The Pickle)

Waste Management Stadium – Houston (“Seen the Texans Play Recently?”)

Fresh Step Stadium – Detroit (The Lions’ Litter Box)

Delta Airlines Field – Atlanta (“We’re the Choppers; not the Variant”)

Qnon Arena – Palm Beach (“Maskless & Near the Donald”)

Amazon Prime Stadium – Rio de Janeiro (The Jungle)

Progressive Arena – Portland, Oregon (“Horrible Commercials Aside”)

Cheetos Field – Houston (“Stealing Signs ‘R Us”)

Cheetos Stadium – Foxboro (“From the Tuck to Spygate and Deflategate”)

DraftKings Stadium – Reno (“Main Lines Aren’t on the Field”)

Depends Arena – Miami (The Dry Dome)

NRA OKC Field – Oklahoma City (Killing Field)

Virgin Airlines Arena – Des Moines (“Enter at Your Own Risk”)

Pornhub Arena – San Fernando Valley (“Full Frontal View”)

Anti-Abortion Arena – Steubenville University (“We just Murder Opponents”)

Trojan Arena – U.S.C. Campus (The Rubber Arena)

The Gap Field – Kansas University (“Usual Distance between us Rest of Big-12”)

FanDuel Aloha Stadium – Honolulu (“Daily Last Bets to Wave Aloha to Money”)

McDonalds Stadium – Jacksonville (“Where the Clowns Play”)

Travelers Insurance Field – Las Vegas (“Every City West of the Mississippi”)

Hooters Big Sky Arena – University of Montana (“Where Everything is Big”)

Clapper Stadium – Seattle (“Turn Out the Lights; the Party’s Over”)

EA Sports Madden Jets Stadium – New Jersey (“At Least Some Virtual Action”)

Communist Party Hacker’s Field – Cincinnati (Reds Field)

Uber Arena – Anaheim (The Ride)

Fannie Mae Field – Washington D.C. (The Buttress)

BJ’s Wholesale Club ArenaPittsburgh (The Immaculate Reception)

Caterpillar Inc. Stadium – Chicago (“A Slow Crawl toward Respectability”)

Anthem Health Care Coliseum – Naval Academy (“Sit; Don’t Kneel”)

Vax Against Covid-19 Arena – Brooklyn (The Best Shot)

Apple Fields – New York City (Bite Me Fields)

Facebook Field – Philadelphia (“Make Friends in the City of Brotherly Love”)

Twitter Field – University of Alabama (“Handle this Year’s Recruits, NCAA Opponents”)

Clorox Bowl – Oakland (Bleached Clean Bowl)

Dick’s Sporting Goods Field – Nashville (“Stand Up for America”)

Tidy Bowl – Cleveland (“Flush It”)

Rocket mortgage Arena – Pyongyang, North Korea (“Rocket Man will Rock You”)

Corona Stadium – San Diego (“The Beer; not the Virus”)

Slide Fires’ Bump Stock Stadium – Dallas (“Shock and Awe Cowboy Venue”)

Author: Ken Hogarty

Ken Hogarty was an English teacher and high school principal in another life. Since, he has had short stories, a memoir, news-features and over twenty satires and comedy pieces published. He lives with his wife Sally near Oakland. [415.760-8045] PO Box 84, Canyon, CA. 94516 Kenhogarty@gmail.com

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