Judge Judy’s Guide to Life

Hi. My name’s Judge Judy. Welcome to my courtroom. You obviously have seen me on TV telling stupid imbeciles wasting my time to go get a life!

I’m here today to teach you all the formula on how to become successful, powerful, and rich like I am, although I seriously doubt you’ll ever be as rich and successful as me.

It’s not too late to shed your overly self-conscious weakling self to take charge of any situation, where you never feel the need to explain, complain, or apologize when there’s nothing to apologize for as you drill into somebody’s thick head that you’re better than they are. The trick is to make that someone else believe you’re better, whether or not you actually are. In my case, I’ve known for a long time there’s nobody who could possibly be better than me.

Read more Judge Judy’s Guide to Life

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Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet With R. Kelly.

Lady Gaga now regrets the song she did together with the popular pervert, proliferator of pubescent pornography and deflowerer of underage girls and perhaps small furry animals R. Kelly. The Ga now says of her 2013 conjugal ditty that ‘Do What You Want With My Body’ now disturbs her terribly. “Not only did we sing it, we did it.” confessed the singer fresh from her Golden Globe victory with the song “Shallow.” Read more Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet With R. Kelly.

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Disney Acquires Scientology, Pushes for Billion Year Copyright

In a move surprising several, Disney-ABC Television Group lodged a hostile takeover of Scientology on Monday, acquiring the majority of outstanding shares for $3.6 billion, excluding real estate assets, a 14% premium over Friday closing value.

The move affords Disney, a de-facto religion in practice, official recognition as a non-profit organization, which is expected to save them the remaining $19 in federal taxes they’ve never actually paid on average since a thousand billions before they made their first trillion.

Read more Disney Acquires Scientology, Pushes for Billion Year Copyright

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Sharpen Your Pens! Glossy News Wants Your Poems… & Here are a Few Examples to Whet your Appetites!

Glossy News has plenty of room for poetry: serious poetry, yes, but especially satire! Or sometimes even serious (i.e. sober satire).

Email the managing editor on wallacerunnymede@gmail.com if you want to contribute.

Here are a few ideas to set you off:

The Knives of Athenry

The Satirist has some very high quality satire indeed, so even to have been published there twice feels good.

The poem doesn’t feel good though. It’s a rewriting of a famous Irish folk song.

My wish is that it may be seen to  capture some of the pain and anguish and bittersweet hopefulness of the original

By a lonely Irish ward, I heard an infant wailing
“Mammy, they said they’re taking me away,
For the people repealed the 8th
To be cut in pieces is my fate
Mammy, save me, or I’ll never see the light of day!”

Utterly horrific, and not exactly the ‘funny’ kind of satire, to say the least.

But then again, satire doesn’t have to be funny.

Sometimes all you can to is groan in pain.

The Knives of Athenry: A Not So Humorous Satire on an Irish Folk Ballad

In Syria Did Cameron

Oh look, it’s everybody’s favourite accidentally-alleged pig-fancier! No porkies, Dave!

Read more Sharpen Your Pens! Glossy News Wants Your Poems… & Here are a Few Examples to Whet your Appetites!

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Redskins Owner Won’t Rule Out Signing Kareem Hunt

Washington, DC- On Monday, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder refused to rule out signing former Kansas City Chiefs Running back, Kareem Hunt, after he was released by his team on Friday.

Hunt was a standout star for the AFC leading Chiefs, and led the league in rushing before a viedo emerged of what appears to be Hunt assaulting a woman, repeatedly shoving and kicking her despite the efforts of multiple people to intervene. Read more Redskins Owner Won’t Rule Out Signing Kareem Hunt

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