Central Iowa. Unable to resolve key differences on how to properly view somewhat established principles concerning Self-Actualization, Brain-Based Learning, Epistemology, and Qualitative vs. Quantitative Research, Education Professors Kurt Neilsen, 61, and Walter Beckman, 64, both lost control of their tempers at a conference meeting earlier this month on the top floor of Yeoman Hall at Loran University.
During the intricate process of planning which courses should be compacted and accelerated for ‘nearly-broke’ students pursuing teaching degrees during the 4-week January Term (a unique, ‘middle-of-the-year,‘ academic semester allowing ‘already burned-out’ undergraduates to catch up on coursework, immerse themselves in different ideas, explore, reflect, and pursue new and exciting pedagogical experiences at the expense of their middle-class parents), Dr. Beckman, a long-time supporter of the Cognitive Learning Approach, lost his composure when Dr. Neilsen suggested a new class based on Constructivism.
Immediately after arguing ‘rather loudly’ that current research on individualized learning based on humanistic approaches was not up to date in any of the scholarly journals he could find, Beckman grabbed a 550-page book titled, The Sub-Theories of Human Understanding, and smashed Neilson in the face with it.
Angered and unwilling to take any more of Beckman’s shit, Neilsen wiped the splattered blood off his face, retorted with the fact that Behaviorism is an outdated model of learning that originated in the early 20th Century, and then kicked his long-time, ‘conservative’ colleague directly in the balls.
Much to the chagrin of top administrators in the room, Walter amazingly caught his breath and then eloquently proclaimed that “Abraham Maslow’s Theory of Self-Actualization is a psychology-based subject that has no place in 50-minute classroom settings that involve lecturing future educators on practical classroom teaching methods” before relentlessly charging into the ‘liberal-minded’ Kurt and knocking him out of his chair.
Refusing to tap out after the hideous blow, Neilsen (although heavily fatigued) managed to grab a student writing sample out of his pocket titled, The Potential of Transformative Learning In Dynamic Classrooms: A Connectivism Approach To Learning in the 21st Century, before using it to give the ‘behemoth-like’ and ’emotionally-unstable’ Walter a really bad paper cut that sent him reeling back.
Foaming at the mouth while in complete denial that experiential learning approaches based on collaborative experiences would be a possible teaching method utilized in future classrooms involving disadvantaged students from lower-income families, Walter then grabbed Kurt’s long and graying beard and used it to bounce his head off the table.
Upon remembering his doctoral thesis on The Disadvantages Of Lectures Based On Faulty Inter-Disciplinary Approaches In Mid-20th Century America, Kurt suddenly found the inner strength to get up, throw a left hook at Walter, and then hurl him directly through the door of the conference room.
After the fight spilled out into the hallway in front of ‘mentally-exhausted’ students who were simply heading back home in order to enjoy the Holidays as well as explore new opportunities with technical schools that involve less tuition money, Neisen successfully used what remained of his strength to push Beckman down an empty elevator shaft before proudly marching back into the conference room and proposing that his new, labor-intensive, and cognitively excruciating class on the dynamics of subjective learning be added to the already burdensome J-Term Curriculum.