E= FU2

One company’s name tells you that when you reach the “horizon,” they may actually answer your call, but until then, you must deal with their automated chat icon.

It is completely worthless other than being concerned that you are having a nice day.

            When I signed up for their service, I was to receive a $100 gift card.  7 months later I still haven’t received it. The icon claims to know nothing about it, but I can tell it’s lying.   If and when you finally get a human being all the person wants to do is review your bill so they can add more services.

            “What about my gift card?”

            “I don’t handle that.”

            “Who does?”

            “A separate department. They don’t have a phone number.”

            “You’re the phone company and they don’t have a phone?”
            “I’ll connect you.” The line went dead.

            Three calls later, I got the number of the group that sends out the cards. Actually, they don’t. They send the information to an outside company that sends the cards out. I got their phone number.

            “We’re kind of behind, yours should be sent out next month.”

            “You mean it takes 7 months to receive the card?”

            “We’re kind of behind.”

            In the old days, a technician would come to set up your cable TV and internet.  Now, you must go and pick up all the equipment yourself. “Horizon,” said I could “conveniently” pick up the equipment near my house.  The map to their store must have been made at the time of Peter Stuyvesant because, this being midtown Manhattan, the route is now filled with buildings and streets. The store was more than ½ mile away from the house.

            “How do I set it up,” I asked the store personnel.

            “Go online, and they tell you what to do.”

            “How can I go online, I’m picking up the equipment so I can have internet?”

            “Try downloading it here, but our internet doesn’t work very well.”

            “You’re also the internet company and your internet doesn’t work? That doesn’t give me a good feeling.”

            “It didn’t give someone a good feeling. We just replaced the front window. Someone threw a brick thru it last week. But hopefully, you can figure it out by yourself. Please don’t throw another brick thru our window, it’s not our fault.”

            I walked home and tried to set everything up. The box was missing a cable.  I walked back to the store.

            “I need a cable, there wasn’t one in the box.”

            They gave me the cable, I returned home and set everything up. It didn’t work.

Several hours on the phone ensued.  I was shuttled from place to place, hung up on, and was forced to enter the same information many times before I could speak with a human being. Nothing worked and they agreed to send a technician.

Which is how the equation,   E= FU2  was derived.

Author: Jeffrey Weiss

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