Author: Veto Votti
India Wins Kashmir in Checkers Match
The world map has been redrawn after India won Kashmir by defeating Pakistan in a checkers match. According to correspondents on the ground, India pulled off a close victory by eliminating several red kings from the gameboard, leaving Pakistan boxed…
Morons Protest Lack of Equality
Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons. The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue…
Scandal: Man Sneaks Extra Cookie From Jar
Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar. Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at…
PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source
MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source. Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted…
FB Profile Describes User As “Objectivist, Muslim”
MILWAUKEE – A Facebook profile has gained considerable attention for its user’s seemingly contrary description of her political and religious views. Amy Milton’s page on the gigantic social networking site lists her political leanings as “Firmly in the Objectivist camp,”…
Senator Warns of Impending Attack on Family Values
A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent. Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States…
Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”
As Thomas Jefferson looks down from his cloudy suite in heaven, he must be exceedingly proud of UVA for its latest attempt at breaking the status quo in popular trends. According to a poll released Sunday morning, Board of Visitors…
Piers Morgan Admits: “I’m Pretty Much a Wanker”
After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker. The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun…
Pol. Candidate Shocks Press with Actual Answer
America’s politics have just become more divisive after a candidate’s response to a question at his election press conference. Mike Uno, 43, who is running for the Republican nomination in Virginia’s gubernatorial election this year, is at the center of…
George Lucas Announces Ban on Special Effects
Star Wars creator George Lucas has created massive controversy by issuing an executive order outlawing all special effects in feature film productions. The law, which will go into effect at the beginning of February, is described by the veteran filmmaker…